Memory Be

You guys always get my creative thoughts flowing again, thank you...this is a reaction to just reading some of your works....make what you will...

Sometimes when the clock is ticking

Tick

Tick

Tock

And the rain is smashing, drip drip

Drop

Into

The roof

Top

I think of the time when.

All. We. Got.

Was a second hand toy

From a bric-a-brac shop

 

Author's Note

second draft. nice and straight forward!

Reviews

[Nicholas Hallows]

From what I remember of the first draft - which I swear I was getting around to reviewing - this is a more distilled and purified piece. Therefore carries more punch too. The emotions are clearer and stronger just by removing a couple of lines. Whereas the first draft was a little mixed emotion-wise, by cutting the piece down you have given it better focus. I really like this piece. I have been forcing myself to write longer poetry but lately realised I actually get a lot more pleasure from shorter pieces and they can say just as much and sometimes a lot more (or I could just be getting lazy). Either way,I like everything about this; the structure, the rhyme and rhythm and the feelings it evokes. Good work!

[Starting Over]

It was cute and to the point!! Sweet and simple and something that can be shared forever!

[Barbara Walker]

L0ove the form you used for this poem and the rhythm and flow is fantastic. Great imagery, too. Very nice write! Barbara

[CLUTZ]

i don't know what to say except that i like it.

[David Lewis Paget]

Hi Dan,
Version 2 - Yes, and sufficient unto itself. A nice, whimsical feel to it of a nostalgic thought concerning time past. I like it.
David

[HoorayForUnderdog]

I like this, Dan. It a mixed bag of emotions...happy memories and sad realizations...very creative!

[David Lewis Paget]

Supersedes? - or Intercedes! - would be better. However, this is nicely original in form, and shows quite a spark of creativity. I love -

I think of the time when.
All. We. Got.
Was a second hand toy
From a bric-a-brac shop

Your layout could be better - the double spacing detracts from it, and your ending is inconsequential. You leave us up in the air. However, this piece is really worth working on, and I'm sure that with your ability you should be able to turn this into a little masterpiece.
(your 'classified storm' has me somewhat mystified, however. Where I am, 'the classifieds' are advertisements in the back of the newspaper).