assonance of dissonance

you slipped me into a corner

of your already feeble heart

like a raven being tucked

into the witching hour's covert veneer.

you told me that one day  

i may show my cimmerian feathers

against the open light

and expand from my corner 

with mahogany furnishings

and maybe even some wind chimes

so every time we felt love

there would be an 

assonance of dissonance

to ring around the emptiness. 

you slipped me into a corner

and put up the accordion divider

while you fell in love 

with the accessible girl 

on the other side of the coffee shop. 

you subconsciously etch the lyrics

to our song into your Styrofoam cup

while you admire her dark eyes

wide curves and soft hands

and feel a subtle, indistinct malady

from the corner of your heart

you slipped me into a corner. 

the wind chimes echo back

silent. 

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I know that you said that nothing that you have written this summer has been published, but I would have to think if you keep writing like this, its just going to be a matter of time, because this piece is stunning. One of the things that jumped out to me right away is your word choice. Words such as covert, cimmerian, mahogany, accordion...they really pop. They paint vivid images that leave vibrant imprints with the reader.

I liked your repetition of "you slipped me into a corner." Those lines really evolved as the piece progressed.

Great simile about the raven in the first stanza. Also, wonderful wordplay with assonance of dissonance...wonderful job using assonance in that word play. I smiled when I saw how you used that in this piece...such talent.

My favorite part of this one though is the fourth stanza in this piece, and the image of etching those lyrics into the Styrofoam cup was awesome.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much for all of your kind words! i wish poetry reviewers liked my work as much as you do :)

[Clockwork]

Well, I'm probably going to work with my college literary magazine, and I think we will accept submissions from people outside of the university this year. If we do, would you like me to let you know?

One day I think that at least a few poetry reviews will like your work as much as I do :-)

[Dana Alsamsam]

yea definitely let me know! i want to get my work out there in any way possible. thank you :)

[Clockwork]

Alright, I will let you know a few weeks after I get back to school. I may get the poetry editor position for my senior year.

[Lizzi]

Your writing absolutely blows me away. I'm not use to
Critiquing but as the person below wrote, it truly is only a matter of time before someone picks up your work. It's just absolutely incredible. Your word choice really is fantastic. My favorite was the third stanza.
"you slipped me into a corner
and put up the accordion divider
while you fell in love
with the accessible girl
on the other side of the coffee shop. "
Accessible girl. I just like that. The imagry you used here was very vivid. Please
Keep sharing. :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

ah thank you so much for pointing that out because i put probably ten different words in to describe the girl before i found the perfect one so i'm so happy someone noticed!! :) thank you

[Astro]

Some very vivid descriptions of those corners within the heart, I like how you condense and expand the scenes and emotions like the pumping of a heart or, sine waves oscillating a tone of muted passion. I think I love best the poems that you write that you incorporate some facet of musicality into them. Great job really makes the reader feel something for the voice within the poem. Strong.

[Dana Alsamsam]

musicality is embedded deep within me from years of dance and violin training so i'm glad it comes out in some of my work. thank you so much for your kind words!

[Astro]

You're very welcome Dana, another great one, hurry up and publish!

[Dana Alsamsam]

i'm tryyyyyiiiinngggggg

(thanks for your encouragement!)

[Astro]

What are friends for? ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

wow, all that promise of hope, of love...and then the dissonance...the uncomfortable chimes ring as he chooses another...

there is real heartbreak in this...the kind of poem that displays so well how we can be deceived...and how shallow some people can be...in this case the "he"---

i like how he looks into her dark eyes...perhaps she will hurt him like he hurt the speaker in this poem.

nicely penned...and yes, to what Clockwork said....how could you not have been published?

jacob

[Dana Alsamsam]

literally everything that i submitted this summer was rejected from literary magazines :/ i can't let that stop me though- i'm going to keep submitting until something breaks through.

thank you so much for your words- they mean a lot :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, keep submitting..it isn't the poetry..it is the editors' tastes...and you never know...your stuff will find the right market...

[s y e]

Really vivid imagery in this one, Dana - This is such an emotional read, but amazing.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much!

[Archangel Gabriel]

Another beautifully penned portrait of a poem telling the tale of deception and lust, that lead to heartbreak.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much!

[B-poet]

Vivid imagery. You've illustrated the true definition of a deceiving heartbreak. Great work. An emotionally profound write & read. :)

[Anand Sehgal]

Very nice, sensitive write :)

you slipped me into a corner
of your already feeble heart

[K. Louis]

Heartbreak is word food for the raven in the corner. cimmerian feathers...I like that...
sensitive piece, emotions felt...Hugs

[Dana Alsamsam]

aw thank you for your kind words *hugs back*

[Tomahawk Joe]

I always enjoy the delicate expression of your words. How they flow softly on the page.