advent of dysfunction

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)- a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions.

no matter how many circles i walk

in the maze of age lines on mahogany

i always seem to be running away 

from myself

all i do is turn and trip and chase myself

but i'm stuck in this wooden cigar box

with a humidifier that is never

at the proper setting:

a debilitating disorder of imbalance.

it's been years since anything occupied the box

and my skeleton became it's wooden anatomy, 

susceptible and yearning for a flame

to burn endlessly

in my rib cage

until someone runs into me like a house fire

and realizes that i am vacant

save for a bloody heart tethered by a string

to the box's brushed gold latch, 

an innate decoration for the luxury

of personality disorder. 

in some ways i am relieved 

that what i am living so vividly

has a name, but it is disquieting 

that others have stroked the same velvet

and returned in quarters

folded like origami 

all softness lost

in the advent of dysfunction.

they thrive off of paper cuts

because they've lost their appetite

for anything other than drops of blood

on their rigid tongues.

i become the box and the box cutter. 

i am afraid that i will be an  empty

box forever. filling the void

with nail filings and dust, 

swallowing it and hungering for more, 

but destroying every red poppy placed within me

by a lover and crushing it

until i am empty again 

with blood stains tangled in my hair like petals

i watch my trussed heart 

hang from the box latch

like the carcass of a withered animal. 

Reviews

[DCT ponderings]

OH Dana this was incredibly written. And so honestly revealed.

My first husband suffered from BPD. He went undiagnosed till after our divorce. I imagine this is how it felt for him, trapped, boxed in, empty.

"I become the box and the box cutter.
I am afraid that I will be an empty
box forever..."

I have a few dear friends who also suffer from BPD and as someone who cares for them deeply I found myself relating to this section:

"but destroying every red poppy placed within me
by a lover and crushing it
until i am empty again
with blood stains tangled in my hair like petals"

You capture the high low, the desperation to break free and the consciousness of the cost to self and others. Incredible Incredible Incredible.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much- this review means more than i can express especially coming from someone who is experienced with the topic. it's a tough one to write about. thanks for your kind words!

[Archangel Gabriel]

In my line of work I have never come across a BPD who could express such eloquent and delightfully expressive poetry. Normally a BPD expresses their distress through acting out, destructive behaviour.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you for reading! but ask my psychologist. i have no clue... :(

[B-poet]

Unfortunately this a debilitating mental disorder that can affect anyone who has it in a crippling way. You've illustrated the effects it has the mind very well within this compelling write. Great work. A riveting read as well. :)

[Anand Sehgal]

Very Very deep thought, Sense of unification is there. Loved it very much. I'm a fan . :)

[KeelyJane]

The imagery in this was amazing. Your creative word selection added a beautiful layer to your "many layers", so to speak. Very nice write on a a very real subject. Thanks for sharing. :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so very much for your kind words!