advent of dysfunction

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)- a mental health condition in which a person has long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions.

no matter how many circles i walk

in the maze of age lines on mahogany

i always seem to be running away 

from myself

all i do is turn and trip and chase myself

but i'm stuck in this wooden cigar box

with a humidifier that is never

at the proper setting:

a debilitating disorder of imbalance.

it's been years since anything occupied the box

and my skeleton became it's wooden anatomy, 

susceptible and yearning for a flame

to burn endlessly

in my rib cage

until someone runs into me like a house fire

and realizes that i am vacant

save for a bloody heart tethered by a string

to the box's brushed gold latch, 

an innate decoration for the luxury

of personality disorder. 

in some ways i am relieved 

that what i am living so vividly

has a name, but it is disquieting 

that others have stroked the same velvet

and returned in quarters

folded like origami 

all softness lost

in the advent of dysfunction.

they thrive off of paper cuts

because they've lost their appetite

for anything other than drops of blood

on their rigid tongues.

i become the box and the box cutter. 

i am afraid that i will be an  empty

box forever. filling the void

with nail filings and dust, 

swallowing it and hungering for more, 

but destroying every red poppy placed within me

by a lover and crushing it

until i am empty again 

with blood stains tangled in my hair like petals

i watch my trussed heart 

hang from the box latch

like the carcass of a withered animal. 

Reviews

[DCT ponderings]

OH Dana this was incredibly written. And so honestly revealed.

My first husband suffered from BPD. He went undiagnosed till after our divorce. I imagine this is how it felt for him, trapped, boxed in, empty.

"I become the box and the box cutter.
I am afraid that I will be an empty
box forever..."

I have a few dear friends who also suffer from BPD and as someone who cares for them deeply I found myself relating to this section:

"but destroying every red poppy placed within me
by a lover and crushing it
until i am empty again
with blood stains tangled in my hair like petals"

You capture the high low, the desperation to break free and the consciousness of the cost to self and others. Incredible Incredible Incredible.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much- this review means more than i can express especially coming from someone who is experienced with the topic. it's a tough one to write about. thanks for your kind words!

[Lizzi]

Dana,

Hi. I just joined this site & don't know if I'm allowed to post
On this or how it works or how I ever stumbled on this but I'm glad I did. I have Borderline and I can't even begin to explain how much I can relate to this
Sometimes I feel like it is a death sentence. It is a very very difficult thing to live with. It takes consistant therapy and being intune with our mindset to stay healthy. I know how
You feel so well. I am rooting for you all the way. I'm not sure if you can add friends on this site or anything but if you can, don't hesitate to add me if you'd like. I wish you all the best. Take care, and beautiful piece.

[Dana Alsamsam]

you are most definitely allowed to comment on this, my dear. thank you so much for stopping by and i am so glad that my piece could reach you in a personal way. we're in this together and we are most definitely not the product of our disorders :) again thanks for stopping by and welcome to writers cafe!

[Savannah Hudgens]

I like the technique you use to separate words or phrases from the lines. I do the same thing in some of my older poetry. It was nice. Very descriptive. I think if you would've capitalized some words, (and I don't mean regular punctuation) such as Advent or Petals, it would pique some interest. Good job, nicely written Dana.

V.

[Dana Alsamsam]

that's an interesting idea, thanks!

[Pete Langley]

This, to me, represents the way a lot of creative people feel, including me, at various stages in their lives...because, as artists, we tend to be more self-aware, any feeling of lack of purpose results in an accentuated emptiness. Very evocative for me, Dana. P.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much and glad (but also sad) that it hit home for you!

[Tomahawk Joe]

Very dark and complex reminds me a little of the poems of Kerouac.

[Dana Alsamsam]

such a compliment!! thank you

[annabellee]

wow thank you for the insight on this illness, your poem has such great images, gorgeous write like usual. You're so talented :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much! your words always bring a smile

[annabellee]

you're most welcome and I'm glad I can make you smile :)

[Astro]

I had a friend who dealt with the boomarang of BPD and so I can somewhat relate. I know that that emptiness is more of a black hole that sucks you down into it more than simply floating in wait to be filled, but some people never get to feel the extremes that you probably feel in your waking life, and it is there that you find so much inspiration to bleed upon the page. You will learn to let petals bloom instead of decay inside of you when you can learn to see more than a carcass but a delicate form that needs the right hand to hold it. The depression and helplessness you have wrought, is still inspiring because of the level of honesty you are willing to display to create art. You suffer for your art, and sacrifice brings reward so, hugs, and chin up. Well done.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thanks for the hugs and the kind advice- seriously it means more than i can express. if i didn't write it out, the words would choke me to death. i know there is much to appreciate in my life and hopefully one day i will be one of those things.

[Astro]

Without a doubt, hugs again, cause one is never enough. ;)

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I become the box and the box cutter.
I am afraid that I will be an empty
box forever... -- these lines really caught my eye...artfully proposed.

You are great with metaphor...they rise and fall in crescendos. When I read your work, I am reminded of my own in a way because I write in so many long metaphors, but I always try to come back to a singular point, which you do masterfully. This was a purging of sorts, and a beautifully tragic one. You blend the hard and the soft; the safe and the dangerous.

You will never be empty...you have a gift.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much- that honestly means so much to me. having writing and my other arts to fall back on is no less than my savior. thank you so much for your kind words :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i'm in the box, i am out of the box...i think in there i think outside it...

i am useful, i am only an ornamental device---filled with the emptiness of a jilted lover...

be careful if you open me, you never know what you will get.

[Dana Alsamsam]

ah i love this poetic review!! thank you jacob

[Clockwork]

This one hit home for me in a very real way because I've seen my mother struggle with BPD for years. Sometimes she's sort of a Chameleon. She morphs in and out of personalities and emotions...

The sense of being trapped is very strong in this one with lines such as: "i become the box and the box cutter. i am afraid that i will be an empty/box forever." That metaphor with the emotion really brings out the debilitating essence of BPD. I also think your earlier image about being trapped in the cigar box also conveys that feeling. Your third stanza, with lines like these, blew me away: "it's been years since anything occupied the box/and my skeleton became it's wooden anatomy,"

The part that really got me was the end stanza and that simile about the animal carcass.

You deal with writers block and any feelings of alienation in such profound way. You've got a real knack for letting your heart out onto the page...thank you for sharing this me.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you and you're very very welcome. i'm both morose and glad that you had a personal connection with this piece. your words always mean a lot to me!

[Clockwork]

You're welcome as always my friend.