The Lord Of The Keys

This was originally a devised comedy performance I did during college back in 2003 but only until recently I thought it might be funny to write a proper script based on what happened. All the characters in this play go by titles such as "The Lord

The Lord Of The Keys

 

By Daniel Seal

 

 

Characters

 

The Lord Of The Keys

The Apprentice

The Master

The Narrator

The Wiseman

Extras/Clubber/Nightclub Owner

 

Scene 1 – Outside A Nightclub

 

(The stage is dark for a moment. We hear loud music over the speakers. Lights up. On stage is THE APPRENTICE standing by the doors of a flashing nightclub. He is wearing a smart suit, trousers, polished shoes and is letting people pass through into the nightclub)

 

The Apprentice:

Go on, go on, go on, yep fine, go on in, hold on a sec mate. How old are you?

Clubber:

Me? I’m 28.

 

The Apprentice:

(laughing)

You! 28.

 

Clubber:

Oh come on surely you aren’t serious?

 

The Apprentice:

Do you have ID?

 

Clubber:

No I don’t.

 

The Apprentice:

Well then it seems like you and I have a problem mate (pushing him) get out of here now.

 

Clubber:

Bloody hell chill out man!

 

(He exits to the right. The action freezes. THE NARRATOR enters)

The Narrator:

(to audience)

See that man right there? He may seem the sort of guy who can push people around just coz he’s taller than everyone else dressed in his done up suit, his polished shoes and whatever but you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. This man’s life changed for the better and you’ll all see why as this man, known as The Apprentice, goes on a dangerous mission to rescue his valuable “car keys” and yes that’s right, we all know how valuable our keys are. His keys were stolen from a man who calls himself...

The Lord Of The Keys.

 

(The Narrator exits. The action continues)

 

The Apprentice:

Go on, go on, go on, yes your fine to go in, go on.

 

(The NIGHTCLUB OWNER enters from the left inside the club and goes towards The Apprentice)

Nightclub Owner:

Not that busy tonight is it?

 

The Apprentice:

Yeah I know, it’s usually packed!

 

Nightclub Owner:

Well you might as well knock off early then.

 

The Apprentice:

Oh right cheers boss, thanks!

 

Nightclub Owner:

I’ll seeya tomorrow.

 

The Apprentice:

Yeah seeya later!

 

(He exits right and after a moment re-enters in a state of panic)

 

The Apprentice:

Oh s**t I can’t find my car keys! Bugger where are they? I had them right here in this pocket! F**k what am I gonna do? Some f****r has nicked my keys!

 

(He again exits. Blackout. After a moment the lights come up on stage. THE LORD OF THE KEYS enters from the left carrying a basket. He is wearing a dark cape and holding a large staff in one hand. He lays the basket down centre stage and reaches into his pocket and takes out

The Apprentice’s keys and puts them into the basket)

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

(to audience)

Shhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

 

(He exits)

 

Scene 2 – On The Street

 

(Lights come up on stage. An old man known as THE WISEMAN enters from the left.

The Apprentice enters from the right)

 

The Apprentice:

Oi you! (grabbing him) Have you got my f****n’ keys? Where are they? You must have them.

 

The Wiseman:

Young man! I suggest you let go of me this instant or there will be some unpleasantness.

 

The Apprentice:

(laughing)

Oh is that so? You stupid old man! What the hell are you gonna do? You can’t do anything to me!

 

(The Wiseman suddenly grabs The Apprentice’s arm and flips him over into a somersault and locks him tight so he can’t move)

 

The Apprentice:

Agh! Stop! You’re breaking my arm!

 

The Wiseman:

Yes and I will break it if you backchat me again. I’ll let you go if you promise not to try anything stupid again.

 

The Apprentice:

Yes, yes alright I promise.

 

(The Wiseman lets him go. The Apprentice stands back up)

 

The Wiseman:

You want to get your precious car keys back yes?

The Apprentice:

(surprised)

You know who took them?

 

The Wiseman:

(nodding)

Indeed. It was a man who calls himself The Lord Of The Keys. He has incredible powers capable of obtaining your keys without you even knowing they’ve gone. If you want them back then I suggest you come with me. You must meet with “The Master” and train with him before you have the skill and knowledge to claim back what is rightfully yours.

 

(They exit. Blackout)

 

Scene 3 – The Master’s Home

 

(Lights come up on stage. Centre stage is THE MASTER sitting cross legged with his eyes closed. He appears to be meditating. The Wiseman enters followed by

The Apprentice)

 

The Wiseman:

(clearing his throat)

Excuse me, master?

 

(The Master opens his eyes. He looks directly towards

The Apprentice)

 

The Wiseman:

Sorry to interrupt your meditation master but this young fellow here is another victim that has lost his car keys to the hands of The Lord Of The Keys. Will you consider training him master?

 

(The Master rises. He goes towards The Apprentice circling him a few times, then stops and looks him in the eye. He walks towards the right and calls The Wiseman over to him)

 

The Master:

What makes you think this man is worthy of training under me? This man has great anger within himself although however he also shows no fear.

 

The Wiseman:

Perhaps he is the one master?

 

The Master:

It is a possibility. I shall test him.

(He walks back over to The Apprentice)

 

The Master:

So, you think you have what it takes to train with me?

 

The Apprentice:

Er yes sir. I hope to train my best.

 

The Master:

What is your name?

 

The Apprentice:

My name is…

 

The Master:

(cutting him off)

Your name is not important. You will be known as The Apprentice and you shall call me master is that understood?

 

The Apprentice:

Yes master.

 

The Master:

I am willing to train you but first I must test you.

 

(Blackout. Lights raise back up after 5 seconds.

The Master & The Apprentice have switched places)

 

The Master:

Ok 3, 2, 1, GO!!

 

(The Apprentice attacks The Master. After a few moves, The Master takes him down. The action freezes.

The Narrator enters)

 

The Narrator:

(to audience)

1 Year, 3 months, 6 days, 7 hours, 20 minutes and (looking at his watch) 43 seconds later.

 

(He exits. Blackout. Lights raise back up again after 5 seconds. The Master & The Apprentice are in the same places as before)

 

The Master:

Right ok, for the five thousandth, three hundred and seventy fifth time let’s try this again. 3, 2, 1, Go!!

 

(The Apprentice attacks The Master. Now after a series of moves, The Apprentice takes The Master down)

The Master:

Well done my apprentice. It seems that “finally” you are ready. You must travel long and far deep into the mountains where The Lord Of The Keys lives. You definitely have the power to beat him now but be warned, this will be no easy task. Good luck!

 

 The Apprentice:

Thank you master. I won’t let you down.

 

(He exits to the left. Blackout)

 

Scene 4 – The Lord Of The Keys Lair

 

(Lights come up on stage. Centre stage is The Lord Of The Keys sitting cross legged with his eyes closed the same as The Master in Scene 3. His basket is laying in front of him. He is meditating but suddenly opens his eyes in anger)

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

So, The Master has fully trained The Apprentice. It seems he may be a problem for me. No matter, I am still much stronger than he is. He will never claim his precious car keys back ha, ha, ha, ha!

 

(Blackout. After 5 seconds the lights raise back up. The stage is empty and The Apprentice enters from the right)

 

The Apprentice:

(shivering)

Brrr! Man it’s really cold! Why would anyone want to live in this place? It’s more of a cave to me. I must be close, I WILL get my car keys back if it’s the last thing I do!

 

(He walks around the stage for a while, climbing through holes, stepping over rocks etc until finally he sees

The Lord Of The Keys standing in the opposite corner staring at him coldly. He holds the basket in his hands)

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

Welcome to my domain. So you are The Apprentice?

 

The Apprentice:

Yes and you are the so called Lord Of The Keys? I have come for my keys. Give them back to me you b*****d!

  

The Lord Of The Keys:

(laughing)

Ha, ha, ha, ha you fool! Showing your anger will only bring you down against me. If you want your keys back then defeat me and take them from my magic basket!

 

(He walks to the centre and puts the basket down between him and The Apprentice)

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

Let’s see how well The Master has trained you.

 

(The Lord Of The Keys & The Apprentice circle around the basket. The Apprentice attacks The Lord Of The Keys. After a series of moves the Lord Of The Keys blasts

The Apprentice with his staff knocking him over)

 

The Apprentice:

Agh!

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

Ha, ha, ha, ha you worthless fool! You could never defeat The Lord Of The Keys. Now it is time to end this.

 

(He raises his staff and is ready to strike him again. The Apprentice kicks him in the testicles bringing him down to his knees)

 

The Lord Of The Keys:

AHHHHHH! NO!!! MY MANHOOD! DAMN YOU APPRENTICE!

 

(The Apprentice gets up and grabs his staff and then blasts The Lord Of The Keys. Blackout. After 5 seconds the lights come back up on stage. All that is left of him is his cape)

 

The Apprentice:

Phew! Well I'm glad that’s over!

 

(He picks up the magic basket and takes out his car keys)

 

The Apprentice:

God look at the time! If I hurry now I might get back home in time to see Match Of The Day.

 

(Blackout)

 

Scene 5 – Ending

 

(The stage is dark for a moment. We hear loud music over the speakers the same as in Scene 1. Lights up. On stage is The Apprentice standing by the doors of the nightclub and is letting people in the same as in Scene 1)

 

The Apprentice:

Go on, go on, go on, yep fine, go on in, whoa, whoa, whoa wait there. You again!

 

Clubber:

Oh come on mate! Seriously I am 28!!

 

The Apprentice:

(smiling)

Ha, ha it’s ok go on in have a good time.

 

Clubber:

What? Really? Ok thanks!

 

(The action freezes. The Narrator enters)

 

The Narrator:

And there you have it people! That is the story of a man who’s life changed for the better. The Apprentice is no longer known as the big, tall, bouncer who everyone is scared of anymore. He is more likely to be called the BFB now. Oh, that stands for Big Friendly Bouncer ha, ha but that is of course what I would call him. Anyway, he defeated The Lord Of The Keys and got his car keys back and went back to his job at the local downtown nightclub. Life was good for him. But you know? There was always one thing that bothered me. Who exactly was that old man who went by the name of…The Wiseman?

 

(Blackout. After a moment the lights come back up on stage. The Wiseman enters from the left carrying a basket. He lays the basket down centre stage and takes out a pair of keys from his pocket and puts them into the basket)

 

The Wiseman:

(to audience)

Shhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

 

(He exits)

 

(Blackout)

 

The End

Copyright 2006

Originally Devised Performance 2003

Author's Note

All comments are appreciated. Let me know what you think and by all means, be critical.