So What Really Happens When You Know You are Dying?

how you really live life when you know the "big one" is coming

So What Really Happens When You Know You Are Dying?

At some point most people ask themselves what they would do if they knew they were dying.  The answer is not what you may think.  People dream of doing the stuff on their bucket list...travel, daredevil stunts or maybe making sure loved ones know you love them.  That's not what happens to most people.

Most people run into a wall real fast.  It's called finances.  You can't travel if you don't have money (at least if you don't want to backpack across America or something along those lines).  If you do have money then you run into other problems.   I assume most people who know they are dying have medical issues.  Usually these medical issues involve a whole host of physical symptoms which preclude travel or being a death defying stuntman.

Everything becomes a chore because you get weak.  Even driving gets to the point where it is hard.  Travel is hard if you have to schlep oxygen canisters everywhere you go.  Then there are considerations of bodily secretions that were never an issue  from the necessity of keeping a restroom nearby because of fluid pills to the entire forests worth of tissues you use because you can't stop spitting up "stuff".  There are new diet demands because something as simple as too much salt can wreak havoc on you.  And God forbid you miss a dose of medicine and end up back in the hospital AGAIN.

Family and friends actually abandon you.  It makes them uncomfortable to be around someone who isn't the person they used to be.  They say things like you are too young to be this sick....well tell my body that why don't you?  And oh yeah, I'll alert all my doctors and tell them what you think about the situation.  You reach out because you think that the one bright spot to being unable to work any longer is that you will have the time to spend with people you care about that you never had before because you were always working.  But generally there is rejection at every turn.  People think you are coming around because you want something.  They don't understand that all you want is to spend time with them...afterall you never did before.  Or some will hang out with you for awhile but then dying takes longer than they think it should and they go on with their lives and just kinda "forget" about you.

Then there is the battle to get SS disability.  I'm sure they make it so hard because they want you to die so they don't have to pay you anything.  I was told when I was first diagnosed with heart failure that Social Security was pretty much automatic.  It still took 9 months to get approved.  If you are someone with disability insurance then generally it only pays about 1/10th of whatever wages you were getting so you better have been getting some damn good wages for it to support you.  The good part is you can still work and make money with Social Security Disability up to a certain point...then you get too weak to work and you have to make it on Disability payments while listening to people comment about you sucking the system dry - even though you paid into it for your whole life.

There there is medicare and medicaid.  You have to navigate those waters so your doctors will get paid - even if it is less than they usually get but that's why they jack up your bills in the beginning so they can make up for the shortfall.  And most doctors don't care if you are dying, they aren't going to see you if you can't pay them and you can't pay them if you can't work.

It feels decadent to get out and enjoy a sunny day.  My idea of being bad is a Pepsi and a bag of potato chips or a hot dog because they are so loaded with salt and chemicals they cause problems all on their own.  You can't drink alcoholic beverages because of medications and if you try you generally get sick or react to it in a way that is in no way fun.  There is the benefit of the "free buzz".  Most of my heart meds have a label on them that they cause dizziness...and they do..out of nowhere.

 Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.