Full moon

It's all happening again. Suddenly I am awake and I am staring at the moon behind the clouds as my partner pulls into her neighborhood. My heart is beating so fast I feel as though it will burst at any second. I ate two f*****g pieces of sushi today and that's what set me off. My clean pink stomach now stained with rice and vegetables all churning into bile and I cannot stand the feeling I need it out I want it out. Alarms go off in my brain as I visualize fat bubbling up under my skin all around my hips. I look out the window trying to stay calm and stare directly at the moon now uncovered and full. I'm back down to 92lbs and I'm manic as hell and I'm not sure what's happening. All I know is I ruined dinner for my partner and I (who I apologized profusely to) and I should never be trusted to take out to a nice restaurant because of my Problems With Food. I'm holding the leftovers as if I'm going to eat them that night but I know I'm not. I can feel the foods energy seeping through my hands and it's all making me fat fat fat. I close my eyes and concentrate on slowing my heart down, willing my meds to work even though I know they won't since I'm not f*****g eating. I'm essentially taking sugar pills at this point hoping by some miracle that they will work and smooth my roaring mania. They never will unless I actually eat. Save that for another day.