A Father's Wish

I tried to show what a father expect from his chidren

Miss Mouna lives in a modest and a big family, she is the eldest of four sisters, She is in her 20s, she is attractive, she has a fair complexion, eyes as golden brown, brown hair too. She dresses and is well spoken. Outside on the sidewalk she  walks elegantly and confidently, everyone who sees her, thinks she is wealthy.

After graduating from the most prestigious university in the biggest city in Morocco - Casablanca , her first aim was to find a job. Mouna is an Economic major, she sent her résumé to so many companies in order to find a position that would enable her to use her knowledge ; but she got no reply.

She has to earn her own spending money. She is sick and tired of asking her father all time for spending money. She is feeling a little blue. It’s frustrating to be  unemployed, after studying for more than 20 years.

Mbarak is Mouna’s father, he is a poor man but he is proud of his wife Malika and his five daughters, he works as carpenter and he works hard to feed six mouths and himself.

Malika is a housewife, she takes care of her husband, her daughters, and cooks, cleans, does the laundry….etc. She manages Mbarak’s house well.

Today, Mouna is excited; She has been offered a job in a call center, Starting next week,  It will be her first time working in a call center. As usual, the quickest way to work  is by working in a call center like the rest of her friends. Speaking well in French is enough to be offered a position there.

Mouna was expecting to work in a big company such as a Bank or in Insurance, like her friend Nora.  However Nora’s father, Mr. Lahlou, is a rich man who works as a manager in a Bank. One call to his friends is enough to employ his dearest Nora.

“ Dad, I have to buy  new jeans and a shirt for my new job.” Mouna said.

“ I’ don’t own a clothes factory, if that answers your question. Your wardrobe is full of clothes.” Mbarak replied.

“Please Dad, you know that appearance is important to be respected in this city. Next month I will have my first paycheck so I won’t ask you for money anymore.” Said Mouna.

“I’m sure your money won’t be enough for your needs. Here’s, ten dollars.”

“It’s not enough Dad, I need at least fifty dollars. Please give me another forty dollars, be nice, you know I’m your favorite.”

As soon as, she sat beside him, she leaned on his shoulders and kissed his head.

“Stop it, don’t do that, take it, another thirty dollars, and not another cent, go away, I am not the Bank of Morocco. “

Later, Mouna  works more than twelve hours a day. She doesn’t sleep as well as before. She even  works on week-end and on religious holidays.

Every night, she comes back home late, she hurries to her bedroom.

Answering calls from customers all days long has weakened her strength so she has become lethargic and spends her time watching TV and eating on her bed.

Soon after starting work, She gets her first paycheck, “Oh, only four hundred dollars? I can’t spend it all on clothes,  this month especially I have to give a third of it to my father. He really deserves more, he works so hard, but having money is not easy for me either”.

“Dad, here is a third of my salary , Its worth more than ten days working at the Call center.” Mouna said.

Mbarak laughed and went on,“ My Dearest , I never expected any money from you. Now, I’m sure it’s your money, Its worth a lot to you, take it and try to save a third of your pay in you’re a new Bank account. I hope that you never have to ask anyone for money ever again. At the moment you are responsible and capable to manage your income well enough and to save your money for a rainy day. You won’t understand my feelings until you have your children of your own. I don’t need anything at all, I’m still strong working as hard as many young men, you are my pretty flower which has started to bloom. I thank God for this gift, I’m proud of you, take care of yourself. If you are successful, I’m successful too, If you are ok, I’m ok too.”

Mouna sees the brightest light from her father’s eyes. It guides her on a straight path, she will not go astray after this advice. She embraces her father’s head tightly and kisses his hands; hands that are rough as rocks. 

“Dad, you have a heart of gold, I can never repay you for everything you have  done for me , you have given me a better life. After realizing how much you gave me, I feel so sad that I can’t show you my appreciation. Your love is so powerful, your love is as deep as ocean . Your love gives me the strength me to continue on my short journey in this life in the best way. Thanks so much Dad.”

©2015 Dakir Abderrahmane

Reviews

[Barbz]

As parents of five wonderful children, I can appreciate the love and concern the father feels for his child. In view of the fact that your write is, perhaps, slightly grammatically lacking due to language differences, I find that charming, and would change little. Very heartwarming and enjoyable. Looking forward to more.....Barbz

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank Barbz for your reading.I love your comment.

[JaimeLorie]

Hi, nice to see you trying your hand at writing in a language that is not your first one. You did manage to get the point of the story across. In the first paragraph you used the word, 'she' a total of eight times. I would like to show you how that paragraph could have been written, with better flow, keeping the information that you want to convey to the reader:
Miss Mouna, the eldest of four sisters, resides in a modest home with her large family. Often she walks down the sidewalk, the people that see her, think her wealthy. Well-spoken and impeccably dressed, with an air of confidence about her, the attractive twenty-something young lady turns heads with her looks. Lovely brown hair perfectly accents golden brown eyes, lending a contrast to her fair complexion.
The next thing that you should think about working on is the paragraph situation. There are usually at least three sentences in each paragraph. You have many one sentence paragraphs. Try putting the sentences together, or better yet, add more sentences to the existing ones. Flesh out the thoughts and ideas behind each solitary sentence. Writing is about expressing your inner most thoughts about your subject.
Let me show you how I would add on to the first sentence that you left, standing on its own:
Here is your sentence - After graduating from the most prestigious university in the biggest city in Morocco - Casablanca , her first aim was to find a job. Mouna is an Economic major, she sent her résumé to so many companies in order to find a position that would enable her to use her knowledge ; but she got no reply.
Here is your sentence, formed into a paragraph, after fleshing it out:
Graduating from the most prestigious university in the largest city in Morocco; Casablanca, found Mouna seeking employment. Majoring in economics, her resume reflected her accomplishments. In order to find a position, she sent it to many companies. Finding a job that put her knowledge to good use was her first priority. Replies to her search did not come.
The dialogue that you write is well done, I really enjoyed reading all of that. The story is based in reality and conveys the young woman's situation very well. I hope that I helped you a little, and I really hope that you keep writing, it's good for the soul, you know.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank JaimeLorie for your reading. You taught me to work more hard for doing a long sentences. I love your comment.

[Christa]

I enjoyed the concept of the story. With basic grammar fixes, this story would flow much better. Try less commas. Good luck :)

[Valentine]

Very nice feeling in this write. It reminds me of my own father and how he loved all 9 of his children and would do anything to help them. Lovely write. Valentine

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank Valentine for your reading. I like your comment.

[Mo0onlight_UAE]

I really loved it. Also I can feel that you have a strong sense of the family.. Complete your great words and well done !!

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank Mo0onlight_UAE for your reading. I like your comment.

[W R Stowe]

Very nice story wish my father in-law was as kind but he has shunned my wife because I'm not rich and wonders why she would of married a poor man.He told her that he spent money raising her and its time for her to pay him back.Sad but he gauges his children s love by the amount of money they give hm

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank W R Stowe for your reading.

[W R Stowe]

Your quite welcome Dakir Abderrahmane

[jonah]

I was really...really touched by your story. the love of our family is the kind of love we sometimes dismiss in this busy, problematic life. we tend to fulfill our own desires but forget the ones who have supported us and been there for us every time we need them, our family. this is a lovely story.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you jonah for your reading. your comment courage me for writing better

[jonah]

you're welcome! don't give up on writing. always write. you'll improve in the end.

[Witty Fay]

I liked it. I reads like a fable. I can see you have a strong sense of the family.:)

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Witty Fay for your reading. I enjoyed with your comment.

[Mary Bradley]

Interesting concept . Need lots more work on the grammar :-) ... I think the more you write the more clearer your path of writing will be .

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Mary Bradley for your reading. I enjoyed with your comment.

[Terrence Chang]

It seems that you enjoy writing stories mostly. Just a suggestion why don't you try to write some poetry. Beside that it is a good story.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Terrence Chang for your reading. I enjoyed with your comment.