Regret

In this story, i tried to figure out one problem that i found in our life

Mr.Brahim is the richest man in my city, he owns the biggest company , which he built from scratch. He was born in the porrest house. His will as strong as iron, he has accomplished all his goals. His path was a  straight one, he has followed his path until the end, his sight as his mind, clear, from his face you can see that he has a clear conscience which shines out like a bright light as a candle in the dark.

 

He has two sons, the elder who worked as manager in father’s company, is called Mr. Karim, he sat in the office all day long. Earning many millions of dollars a day.

 

The younger son, who worked as doctor and had been given many responsibilities, is called Mr.Mourad. He performed many surgeries a day and was known to be hard- working.

 

Mr. Brahim fell very sick and took himself to hospital, they put him in room number one, all alone in it. That evening, the rain  was heavy outside as heavy as his heart. It was dark.

 

He felt so weak, and he whispered to himself :  “ My end is like my beginning, I was a weak baby, now I’m a weak old man. Alone as this empty hospital room. All my life, I worked like a dog, I should have taken a rest. I used to receive over hundred calls a day. Today no one calls for me, my sons are ungrateful, they work as hard as me. For them  time is money. If I hadn’t left my family to work, I would have spent more time with them. The short time that we were together is worth more than my life. Today, one truth I’ve figured out that family is more valuable than money, more valuable than time that I used to spend earning more money, I should have taught them a lot about emotion, about love, about feelings that control all our senses …. Right now money is worth nothing to me ”. His tears flowed like rivers down his face. He was shaking and scared by this end.

 

 

Later, Narjis Brahim’s wife hurried to his beside, She was very sad, her heart beat faster and faster when she saw her husband.

 

She leaned on Brahim’s shoulder, kissed his forehead, “One thing I’ve missed the most is your smile, you have the most beautiful smile and soul.” ”Forgive me my dearest, I wasted a lot of time working, If I had listened to you, I could have enjoyed more, we could have traveled together more.” Brahim said.

 

He stared at her face. Even though her eyes hid a deep sadness, she still managed a smile for him.

Author's Note

I'm wait your comment, you give more ideas for each comment.Thank you

Reviews

[blue cave]

crying....
my favorite line: family is more interesting than money.....
this story drips with regret and is so aptly named...
I am moved
bravo
PS the fact that you drove your point home so effectively in what is for you a 3rd language is just....exceptional...kudos....keep going...in whatever language you desire

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

I have to thank very much Blue cave for reading, i love your words, you encourage me to write more.
Thank You
Mr. Dakir Abderrahmane

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

I had update of "Regret" Story

[Effervescent Dreams]

A very touching narration, about the truth abut emotional attachments above material gains in life. It brought tears in my eyes...You have brought out the gist of it in a short time. A little touch to the presentation and some more details in expressions would make it an even great read!

Well done...

[W R Stowe]

This story puts me in mind of the song "cats in the cradle"

[Raja Anjana Kothapalli]

Indeed! Family is valuable than money!
Great message delivered through a heartfelt story! Very well done, Abderrahmane Dakir! Thanks for sharing!☺
-Anjana

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Raja Anjana Kothapalli much for reading, I enjoyed with your comment.

[Norma Gonzalez]

Lovable story that the majority of the people can relate. Also you may need to work your comma tense, grammar, sentence structure for this story. Although the reading is understandable, it can lose a sense of meaning and flow of the story.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Norma Gonzalez for your comment, My writing is cheked right now. Thank you very for reading and your wonderful words.

[Neeharika Neehu]

The story is nice but one thing i would like you to consider is grammar and spelling mistakes,it kind of takes the attention away,please look into it.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

Thank you Neeharika Neehu for your wonderful words, i promise you, i keep working in this.

[Susanna F]

What a beautiful and intelligent story, showing a truth of life in such a simple, emotional way. I think this is something most of us know is true, but it can be hard to live by. My husband has the choice between a job that will make us rich, but he will be gone for months at a time, or a job that will provide all we need and a lot more time at home. I'm so proud he chose time with his family and won't even consider leaving us for that long! Our children will always remember his love and teaching, rather than just missing him and growing apart. Your story really touched my heart.

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

I have to thank you so much, Your comment gave me a joy to my heart, i believe that story can change our decision, look about linving beteween two things, working hard and spend more time in family.
Thank You Susanna F

[blue cave]

It appears in your revision the father recovers from his illness. As such the focus of your story has changed from the crushing grief of the older version to one that focuses on transformation and recovery. It is still a great story and I have a few observations that came to me as I was reading this.

1.
I think the father's recovery should be more emphasized and described so that your reader understands that he has fully recovered physically and has been given a chance to carry out his new attitude about life.
2.
Another point that I recommend emphasizing more is the father's lessons to the sons. As a reader I crave a little more detail about how the sons receive and process the lesson. It seems to me that something powerful has happened if one word of advice can change the course of their lives so drastically. Maybe tell the reader a little of what the sons are thinking.
3.
Finally, I would describe in greater detail the quality of relationship that the father now has with the wife. You describe this in general terms, but I think a few well-placed details will bring to life this transformation. I also believe this should be the centerpiece of all the changes since this is the most intimate relationship.

Of course these are just my own observations and they may not correspond with your own ideas about how your want your story to be told.

[Confuser]

Have you even heard the song, The Cat's in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin? It is lyrically the closest to your story of regret. I think you may like it. In the 3rd paragraph your descriptions and his resolution: I was a weak baby, now I am a weak man; so sad and loved it; the rain heavy as his heart, Tears fell down like rivers upon his face. What you have written is a lesson in life and it is a HUGE problem with the world, I agree. All in all I liked the story. Please see my email. Thank you.

[David Jae]

There is some powerful imagery in this and your passion shows. It needs a little polish, but I can see this working very well as a prologue for a longer story.

A tip; separate your dialogue onto a new line, it makes it easier on the reader.

Ganbare

[Abderrahmane Dakir]

I have to thank very much David Jae for reading, i tried to separate right now..
Thank You
read moreI have to thank very much David Jae for reading, i tried to separate right now..
Thank You
Mr. Dakir Abderrahmane

[Leviathus Fortes]

People will always matter more than money.

Money can only get you temporary happiness and it will not fill that hollow place inside of you.

I'd rather miss a person than pieces of numbered paper.