The Bus Stop

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There is no need to kill off Trevor and how come he gets eaten by a Cyclops anyway? At least be a little more realistic than that and ship him to Africa to be eaten by lions, why don't you?  Besides, it's not Trevor we should be focusing our pent up anger on, right? It's that nasty, foul mouth piece of...  

Yeah, you're right.  I should watch my own tongue and not speak ill of the bimbo, she can't help that her only two brain cells are "b***h" and "cum guzzler". 

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I'd keep laughing but I think someone is peeking over your shoulder Bess.  I told you to stop drawing while others are around, otherwise you'll get noticed. 

"Is that Candice?"  The voice sounds like a familiar male and his breathe smells like honey and peppermints.  I sure hope you remember to brush your teeth after that sardine of a lunch you had today (and speaking of food, we should work on the diet if you want males to continue to even so much as notice your existence).  Oh and make sure you turn slowly, so your body doesn't knock him down.  He couldn't weigh more than ninety pounds and most of it's compacted into his nose... and those nostrils, oh man... 

Next time speak and don't nod, he doesn't need to realize you're the only person alive with quadruple chin disease.  

"Pretty spot on, Bess."  I think he chucked, not sure what that noise was but he did smirk after so I'm just assuming.  Oh well damn, Bess... he's walking off and oh no! The bus cranked, better get on and fast so he doesn't notice your inability to squeeze through the already massive doorway. 

Oh and Bess, ten points for you my favorite little lard a*s.  Trevor may not want to kiss you but at least he noticed that you were more than an enormous amount of mass floating around this earth... or maybe I should say, weighing this bad boy down.  Maybe when we get home you can hop (actually, don't EVER hop - there is no need to cause the end of the world any sooner than God planned for it to be) on the scale and check the numbers that pile up on it, shall we? 

Then we can work on subtracting... dividing... uh... we can work on taking some of those tons off.  Unless, of course Bess you enjoy being the person yourself made you to be.  Because I know your fine a*s father didn't give you any overweight ugly genes.  He is one fine piece of work.  You should put him in your art gallery, preferably a nude statue and let me have my way with it every once in a while... 

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I think I damaged myself with my own drooling... oh good, we're home. Thank God, I need a bathroom break but leave me at peace with my thoughts of me and your father and the process in which we'll create your little brother...

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Alberto Dane Spiral, yes I've given him a name already and of course he'll take my last name verses yours.  I'd never marry your father, don't be foolish!  I'm only after his body, I'd never tie myself down.  

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I sure hope the above photo represents your mother and/or Candice because I'm not a filthy w***e.  Maybe filthy rich but never a w***e. After all, I'm only after your father, aren't I?  And if you are referring to the photograph of me with all those naked men then you must have looked at the photo incorrectly and forgotten that I have a twin sister.  Bess, I roll my eyes at you.  Now hit the scale and let's see what we can do to better you. 

Holy s**t!  I think a brick just fell out of my a*s.  I didn't know a person could weigh so damn much.  How do you even get out of bed? How do you walk? The last person I saw with that many pounds was bed ridden and forced her children to do all her bidding.  Actually, that's not a bad idea.  "Alberto, bring mama her Cosmo and coffee, NOW! I've just gained too much weight and can't do it myself.  Yes I realize it's right next to me but I can't even lean forward you fool!"  

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Your brother won't be a slave, what are you talking about?  And I guess three hundred pounds is fixable.  I mean, when you were born you were only thirteen pounds so it's possible that you can lose weight, you weren't always this fat, right?  I mean, you've taken years to gain it, hopefully you don't take years to lose it.  I don't think Trevor is so ugly that he has ten years to waste waiting on your fat to fall from your under-under belly flaps. 

Oh Bess, don't cry!  I do need to work on that sensitivity thing, huh?  Oh okay, well s**t... Bess... you've got pretty brown eyes and I'm sure if you smiled...

-- photo --

Okay, let's not do THAT again!  Go to bed Bess, we will take another route tomorrow because I'm not so sure that smile will win Trevor over.  

Author's Note

Please ignore the -photo-(s) as they will soon be replaced with actual drawings once my illustrator is done with them; also keep noted that it's possible to see more photos that what the photo marks show you.

I do not care about grammar mistakes, misspellings or anything else of that sort. I only care to know what you think of the story, itself. If grammar mistakes bother you to the point that you do not find interest in my story, tell me that and I'll take it in consideration but do NOT use that as an excuse to point out my mistakes, or my flaws. I am aiming to entertain an audience that gets me and where I come from, not a group of English teachers.

Overall, tell me what you've enjoyed and what you didn't. Be blunt, honest and don't be afraid to be honest. I can not entertain if I'm being told a batch of lies.

Reviews

[Jenkins Writings]

I wished the story continued; it seemed like it ended very abruptly. That being said I like the concept but by the time it was in the middle of chapter 4 it felt very repetitive. Perhaps it was more about having two chapters of the notebook's interaction that slowed down the story. Perhaps the Father could've came back instead and then the notebook in a chapter 5. Or you could've animated one of her characters. Like it could've been Candice, the drawing, teasing her in chapter 4. Like I said I would have loved to continue reading (more so if it was "Candice" teasing instead) to see how the main character develops and the scrutiny... or a continuation of lacking compassion from the other characters.

Overall it was well written. There were some "bumps" I feel you could fix but since you asked I won't mention anything more. Perhaps you could show more actions... something you could've showcased if Candice the Drawing was making fun of her. Instead of having the notebook tell me what Travis is doing you could've had Candice make fun of her during the action. "Oh Travis tapped you on the shoulder. Ha! He's probably laughing at you. Walking up to you just to see what you would say. He doesn't like you. He's laughing at you. Yeah, go ahead and nod your head. Do that. You don't have a voice. You're just too gross to have one with your jiggly arms and dirty clothes and hair. You're just plain gross. Yeah, damn right I look good. You couldn't draw this body bad if a car hit you as you drew it. I really wish that would happen though. You really should consider doing that. It'll do all of us a favor. Go on. Turn the other page, you fat cow." I think progressively I think it would be better if the POV became more interactive as the chapters go by... to where finally her voice is heard. I think it might have been your plan to have it end like that, I don't know.

I love the concept. I think it's great. Just show more, don't tell. I really hope you provide more chapters.

--EJ
@JenkinsWritings