Chapter Sixteen: Unexpected Guest

Bark, bark! 

I see Poopi was left outside during the hustle and bustle whilst we were running from the sight of the cops. The house looks destroyed too.  Your dad must have put up a fight.  Oh, I can see him now, sweat pouring down his back and the muscles in his biceps, straining... Yeah, you're right, we need to stay focused on how we plan to handle that pig, Trevor. I bet he's still knocked out on the floor with the punch you gave him. So go ahead and lay Sissy on the couch for a nice, long rest and go seek out your man. Then make him your ex-man! 

-- NEED PHOTO OF AN UPCLOSE SHOT OF TREVOR'S BLOODY FACE --

Ewe! There is a lot of blood around his face there Bess, should a nosebleed be that rough? I bet you broke his honker! Oh boy is he going to have a pounding a*s headache when he awakes and speaking of waking up...he's groaning. 

Wake up Trevor, we have to talk. 

You are being a lot calmer than I would Bess. I'd have ripped him up off the floor and thrown him on the bed and beat him to an even bloodier plump.  But that is just me and my dark side.  Sometimes I think you are too nice Bess but you're right to turn the other cheek, I suppose...

"Bess?" 

Here's a wet rag for your nose, you might want to see a doctor about that once our conversation is over.

"Bess, I don't know what came over me. I... I think it must be the medication your dad gave me. I was really nervous Bess, after what you said about a possibility of us, well...you know..."

What?! I don't recall you discussing this with me Bess!

Medication?

"Yeah, he gave me a pill and said it'd calm my nerves. I felt very relaxed afterward and everything made me feel so excited. I don't know why I did what I did but it felt so good. I thought maybe I could practice." 

Oh wow! Did he just say that he humped a stuffed bear because he wanted to practice and be a good sexual partner for you? Oh, my goodness, I am going to die from laughter! He does know that you'd be grateful for any contact with the opposite sex, doesn't he? He also should be made aware that even if he were the worst bed partner in the entire world that you'd never, ever notice.  Aside from his ignorance and disgusting actions, it seems this fool may actually love you and if I could guess, your dad gave him ecstasy. 

Your dad probably took them from my special box that I keep hidden under your bed. I happen to be a pill popper and considering I don't have a brain to damage, I take an ecstasy every once in a while. Oh, shut up Bess, don't judge me! If you recall, you're the one dating a bear molester! Yeah, my bad for being so straight forward, but honesty is key. At least the entire night wasn't a complete bust even though I am pretty sure that it would be really hard to make things worse. 

Was that the doorbell? Better go see who it is. Make sure it's not those pervs trying to stick it to Sissy again, being passed out will certainly end those drum-busting shrieks from her lips.  

"Hey baby." 

Wow, it's your mom I spoke too soon as things could quite possibly get worse. I think just standing this close to your mother has caused my insides to itch. Don't let her hug you or your vagina might fall out!

Mom? 

Oh no! Don't let her inside Bess, what are you doing? She is walking inside and closing the door behind her.  Just great. 

What are you doing here?

"I couldn't miss my baby girl's sweet sixteen, could I?" 

You really don't have to respond to her, you can tell her to leave, or you can just toss her out. She weighs maybe 50lbs, at most. 

Ack! I can't believe you allowed her to hug you, you're f*****g crazy. Please immediately go wash every inch of your body before you catch gonnahsyphaherpalies.  

Wait, don't close me out!