Crimson Red.

The first few letters from the book, Emma.

EMMA

Dec. 3^rd, 2009 | 11:17 PM

I’ve seen your eyes; the deepest colors of brown and gold. I’ve seen the way they shine in the moonlight; bright and open wide. You were never one to have a bad day. Your spirits lifted mine, time and time again. I guess that’s why I never saw it coming.

            Crimson red. Of all the memories from that day, this is what I’m left with the most. The color of blood once it leaves the vein. Pulse racing, spilling out; almost beautiful as is streams down your wrists into your palm. Fists clenched, teeth gripped, you used all of your power to keep from screaming. And when I tried to help, you pulled away.

            The desire, I understand. Feeling alone, cold, deep down to the bone: hopeless; who would want to live like that? What I don’t understand is why you never told me. Why the mask? I thought we told each other everything. I guess I was wrong.

--Emma

Dec. 5^th, 2009 | 9:38 AM

            The aching pain of a beat-less heart, the pulse dying out, the blood surfacing in your lungs; I felt it all through your broken cries. Your muscles stood still, hardened, as your body tried to fight in your favor. But, it wasn’t enough. Death was waiting; knocking on your door. The Reaper danced in your hollow eyes… in the dark… in the dark you disappeared.

--Emma

Dec. 17^th, 2009 | 1:42 AM

With my thumb pressed to my wrist, I felt the pulse; a constant rhythm- as fast as my breathing. The headache began; an after-effect to the deed. With a light head, the room spun until the blood-flow had ceased. You’d think I’d get used to that.

            The first cut was the hardest; the one that hurt the most. The blade dripped a thick red liquid into my palm. Blood is my only happiness; my only memory of my once-life; back when my parents were together, when I had friends- a social life even, and when you were alive.

            Life has changed a lot since then. I finished high school, got a job, and decided what I want to do with my life; end it. Just like you did. I don’t even care how. I just want to forget all the days I’ve spent here without you. You were all I had; my best friend.

--Emma

Dec. 25^th, 2009 | 4:12 PM

I wake each day to find bruises on my chest; the black and blue reminisce of a nightmare past. It’s the proof that even though your body is cold and still- laying some six feet underground collecting dust and dirt and bugs, you’re never really gone. You’re always with me; through flashbacks and memories and the stinging pain in my wrists.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be okay again, or if the scene will ever fade. I just want to forget. I want to forget the piercing image of your body lying motionless at my feet once your heart stopped beating. I want to forget the way your eyes turned a black, coal color right before they closed a final time. I want to forget how you balled your fists as tightly as you could- how your knuckles turned white as you tried to withhold your screams. I want to forget that final breath you took. But, most importantly, I want to forget that I was the one to watch you die.

--Emma

Apr. 14^th, 2010 | 3:29 AM

It’s April now; your favorite month. I don’t treasure it the way you used to. The weeping willows are growing their leaves and the white and lavender flowers are blooming in our garden. It’s amazing how they mock me- growing without any help; surviving. They make it look so easy. They don’t need help to breathe and sing the way you did- they just do. It’s as if they have your spirit. Well, the spirit you used to claim.

On days like these, I can see you clearly. As I sit in the grass beneath our willow tree, I can picture your tan skin, your dark hair, and your golden brown and honey eyes. The happiness in your smile is astonishing now; almost unbelievable after all that has happened. But still, it’s the memory that comes from a sunny day.

--Emma

Apr. 19^th, 2010 | 12:10 PM

            It’s only been a few days since I last wrote to you. It was sunny then, but not now. Today, it’s raining. You used to hate the rain. The sound didn’t sooth you the way the silence did. It reminded you of tears; the sound of sadness.

            You used to be so happy. But now that’s such a distant memory. Happiness has become nothing but a myth to my current state; a fairytale I wouldn’t dare to believe- like Cinderella caught in a darker age. I would imagine the princess would find a wicked demon rather than her Prince Charming; a dark shadow that takes away her suffering with a final breath rather than postponing the end with another tortured soul.

            True happiness is when there’s nothing left to cause you pain; the end of all suffering. You were the lucky one. You got out fast. You’re not left to deal with the pain, the nightmares, and the constant reminders. No, you got to escape while I’m left here in your dust.

--Emma

Apr. 23^rd, 2010 | 6:23 AM

            Why won’t you go away?

--Emma

Apr. 28^th, 2010 | 9:16 AM

            You were everywhere today. You walked passed me in the store. You drove by me on the way home. And when I got home, you were sitting on the porch in the old white rocking chair. Your hair was a mess and your clothes didn’t match, but your smile was brighter than the stars of a night’s sky.

I’m starting to think I might be going crazy. I guess that’s okay.

--Emma

May 1^st, 2010 | 7:12 PM

            Work sucked. So I quit. During your better days, you always told me to only do what makes me happy. That memory came to mind today as my irritation levels rose. So here I am, following your advice in your after-life; after you left my life.

            It’s not fair; sitting here writing to you. You don’t have the obligation or ability to reply anymore, but still it’s impossible for me to stop. It seems you’ll forever be a part of me; that little voice in the back of my head guiding my every move. It shouldn’t be this way; you left me. You should be the one with the controlling conscious.

--Emma

May 3^rd, 2010 | 5:23 AM

            I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, it’s you I see; only you. Why is it that nothing else seems to matter? Yeah, you were my best friend, but best friends come and go. Like the wind, it’s easy to drift apart; so why is this separation so difficult?

            The dreams I have are filled with you: torturous and dark, like the memories of your death. But, all I see is your face. The crystal clear image of your porcelain, tan skin is haunting. You were so perfect in every detail. The way the sun reflected in your eyes once symbolized hope in my dreams. But now it just leaves the pain in my chest.

            Why does it have to hurt so much? There’s a hole in my chest that’s growing wider each day as I come across another thing to spark a memory. It’s eating me away, Bailey, and I don’t know another way to make it stop. So I hold these blades dear to my heart, because with them I can at least dull the pain.

--Emma

May 5^th, 2010 | 11:03 PM

            It’s getting closer, I can feel it. I cut a little deeper tonight. The blood took longer to stop flowing, but it didn’t hurt. I was calm, relaxed even, and I lost more blood than I could really afford. The colors of the room all smeared together; like a rainbow caught in the dark.

            I struggled to keep my eyes open as the headache worsened. I lost my balance and fell, but I was so numb from the cut I didn’t feel the impact. The red liquid snuck down my neck, staining my shirt far before I noticed that my wrist wasn’t the only thing that was bleeding.

            I had lost what little control I had, but it didn’t scare me the way it probably should. As the colors disappeared, I felt myself slipping father away. It wasn’t long before I saw nothing at all. I thought I was finally there, standing before the Reaper as you did. I thought death was ready for me- the way I was ready for it. But the darkness didn’t last.

--Emma

May 6^th, 2010 | 6:07 PM

            I spent the day at our spot; the one down by the lake. Sitting by the water, all I could think of was what it would be like to drown. They say drowning and freezing to death are the best ways to go; euphoric even. I’m not sure who “they” are, but I’d like to believe there is a good way to go.

Think about it: sinking deeper and deeper towards the swampy bottom, the fish tickling your body as your lungs fill up with water, and then everything goes black as death overcomes you. I’d like to think a death like that could be peaceful; a nice way to leave this corrupt world.

Unlike yours, my exit will be calm, quiet, and done with little pain. And hopefully no one will have to witness it. I don’t want to leave a single soul with this memory of death; how you left me.

--Emma

Author's Note

This is a first draft of the letters so far. The story will be told entirely through letters. It should be easier to understand the plot once more are completed. For now-- what do you think of the writing and what you know of the story so far? I'd love some critique.

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

I always adored your writing..but this is a bit strange ,i loved the style of her sening letters to him who died
still we dont know why..i guess it will come..more important..why she glorify death this much
and being so eager to leave this world..on the other hand ,it was my view about how to deal with death
even how to be ready for it so he will not take you by surprise..so you do have to know his ways
and the easiest way to leave ,thats why i loved the end how she imagined drowing in a cold river
sound exciting how you will pass so easy ..you will not even feel it..again why is this obsession with death
but i suppose you will give the answer as you go through it..i always liked your writings
so i believe you are the best to judge if you have certain stunning details about all this
lovely write

[WordsAndVoices]

Wow this is amazing! You should really keep writing this, I love it! The layout is great, how it's sending letters to her dead -partner is it?- and it's really enjoyable to read, and I hope it was to write! I'm really looking forward to the next installment of this, and I hope you keep writing stuff as great as this :)

[Starting Over]

I loved it! Keep it coming!

[The Cute 1]

great