The door slammed shut never to be open again !

Introduction

 

Here I am again! I am in my cold, damp basement, packing up all of my belongings, because I am moving home tomorrow, but I’m also wishing all my tragic memories of this basement will disappear forever, as they are painful and killing me, it is if I’m drowning in water and I cannot swim to shore, but there’s no escape, its like being in a cage of hungry tigers and surrounding you and everywhere you turn there is a tiger waiting for you.

 

Many memories are rushing back to me, one of these specific memories are of Newton; it is hard to express what I am feeling right now as Newton changed my life forever.

 

Before I went to Newton , I was not the ideal teenage daughter my parents wanted, as I would always get in trouble in school with the teachers and out of school with the police, looking back I am not proud of my behaviour I am very disgusted.

 

Monday 14th of May 2001

California, America

1.45am                                

 

Bang! The door slammed open, crashing to the floor, letting hundreds of year elevens students in my house, it looked like a dam breaking, “its party time “ I screamed feeling very excited as it was my birthday party.

At that moment I was in a drinking competition with my best friend Faith, Faith and I have been friends since primary school and always had each others backs. We drank and drank until there was no more alcohol left; the year elevens was getting very angry as there were no more drinks left.

 

So Faith and I went down the crooked staircase, of my basement , I herd a cry coming from the rear end of the basement, as I tried to stretch my neck to see who it was crying, I tripped over my dress and landed on to Faith, she pushed me off  with fury making me fly into the air and land onto the hard concrete floor, some people would say I was  lifeless, the rest will say I was dead , but I say it was both as I was unconscious  . While I was lifeless Faith was laughing and pointing at me, I got mad as I didn’t see the humour of me being in agony. I tried to get up but slammed to the floor as I was too drunk.

 

When suddenly Faith stopped pointing at me, she started to point at the red glow that was coming from the same direction of the cry I herd a couple of moments ago. She rushed down the stairs and tried to drag me to the glow, as fast as a cheater chasing it’s pray.

 

My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened , as I stood in front of the glow it came from a door, but its was more than a glowing door, it had blood dripping down the side of it, and it was floating in mid air, in a corner of the basement. How did it get there? I don’t know, all I know is that I wanted to see what was inside it so badly.

 

“lets open it “I said with a very happy voice, but Faith just looked at me like I was a drunk idiot, and relied “are you feeling okay, there’s blood dripping on the side, I don’t think it is safe, we should go back up stairs before something bad happens to us” she shouted and strolled up the crooked staircase, leaving me all alone in font of the glowing door. I couldn’t think of doing anything else but open the door.

 

 

I slowly opened the door.  I was being very careful and steady, but then out of nowhere a big hand grabbed me “Ah!” I shrieked, while trying to get loose, I was in so much pain, as the hand was squeezing me very tight, I couldn’t breath, so I got dizzy and dizzier, until eventually I collapsed. The hand belonged to a troll; while I was unconscious he had dragged me in to a new world called Newton.

 

He had not had anything to eat in months and wanted to gobble me up in one swallow, he nearly did before I woke up, I was nearly in his mouth, “help “I screamed, hoping someone will hear me.

 

Thankfully a young slave was out of the castle , getting some wood for the fireplace, he was chopping the trees down with an axe when he herd me plead and cry for help, he came rushing to me , he wacked the troll five times in the head. Bang! The troll fell crashing to the floor.

 

Suddenly the door disappeared and I was stuck in the land Newton, I was scared and worried as I had nowhere to go, but the slave offered me a home in the palace working with him, I agreed along as I had a roof over my head.

 

He took me to the palace, where I worked and worked until my fingers bled, day after day, I would go without any food or sleep,  because I didn’t finish my job , I had to complete everything before I got a slice of bread.

 

I never worked that hard before and started to miss my home, where I would do nothing and talk horrible to my parents, just to get what I wanted. Eventually my eyes widened when one day I made soup for the queen, she thought it was acceptable, but because it was watery she chucked it at me and laughed,

 

“You call this soup, ha-ha my bird can make better soup than this, take it away and make sure it isn’t watery” she bawled.  I was scared and thought about my home were  I use to do that to my mother, I felt hurt and started to cry,  I wished I was back home and ran to my room and locked my self away from the world.

 

The very next day I had to clean the knight’s swords and amour, I was bored and miserable as I was all alone, with no one to talk to. I finally finished cleaning hundreds of knight’s amour after two days of none stop work. When suddenly I had a really good idea to put on the knights amour and fight with the swords.

 

Back and forth, back and forth, around and around the sword went, I didn’t want to stop as it was the funniest thing I did since I been there. But it all ended when unexpectedly three knights came in and saw me with their amour on and fighting with a sword, I thought they were going to bawl and laugh at me, but they didn’t they smiled and offered me a part in their army, I accepted the offer and jumped up and down, up and down with enthusiasm, as I could not wait to work with real knights.

 

Three years later

Three years later I became very well known with the army, as I fought many battles with great courage and skill, you expect me to be happy, as I made new friends, got a good reputation, but I wasn’t happy, I was the opposite of happy, I was miserable as I missed my home and wanted to go back..

 

Tuesday 14th of may 2002

 

While the night was long , while the sky was overcast  and while the sea waves roared and smashed against any boats that came in its path, I was covering my face with a red silk cloth, trying to hide from prince Adam who was looking after the throne,  while his mother and father takes a break. Adam had short hair, he had big green eyes that sparkled when the sun reflects its light on to them, it shines so bright and beautiful, and it looks like the stars in the night sky.

 

It’s very hard to express how I felt for Adam, as all of my feelings are rushing back this very second, but all I can say is that I had a shiver coming up my throat as I stood in the tacky amour, also my stomach was grumbling as loud as a microphone. Because I had strong and painful feelings for Adam, feeling I have never felt before.

 

Someone came rushing past me out of nowhere , the person ran so fast that it made  my  silk cloth fly out of my  hand  which coverd my face.  I started to panic as there was nothing covering my face; I tried to reach for the cloth, stretching every part of my body towards it. Thump! I fell bumping and skidding across the white, clean, marble floor.

 

I tried to stop but I couldn’t as the floor was too slippery , I skidded so far that I found myself under Adams nose, but before I could run away he helped me up and asked me for my name. I became speechless, I didn’t know what to say and could feel my hands and arms shivering, turning blue and purple while I stand there.

 

That day led to a another day with him, we went everywhere together and  never left each others sight, you could say we were long lost lovers, every day we could not stop hugging and talking to each other, no matter where we were . That’s probably why I agreed on Adams proposal. It’s because the love we had was special and unique, it was something that I have never felt before, until I met him.

 

Five years later

 

“Hurry! We need to get back to the castle!” one of the knights bawled at the army, he made half the army go left while the others go right.  I followed the crowd, hoping all my fear will go away, I didn’t know why I was so scared , but something made me shiver that day, I new something bad was going to happen to me , but I could not put a finger onto it.

 

Suddenly I fell hitting the ground with great speed as it was far to muddy for me to handle , I attempted to get up by grasping the huge rock near me , while feeling pain in my legs as i banged it while falling onto the hard floor. i didn't get up on time as the army  moved too fast, leaving me behind in the cold, spooky forest all alone with no food or shelter, I was terrified and lost, I wanted it to be all a dream and every time I closed my eyes,  I would open them after a a few seconds  and there would be a room that is pink and white, with cuddly teddies on my bed. But that never happened instead I was stuck in this fantasy world. I wondered around the forest, with no idea where I was going, I felt very unintelligent as I didn’t know where the castle was, and I had stayed there for almost ten years.

 

Three hours went by and I was still walking across the dark, haunted forest looking for a way out and to the castle. But I didn’t find the castle; instead I saw a glow, a glow that I saw nearly ten years ago, in my basement which led me to Newton.  I walked closer and closer to the door, hoping it would not disappear, while I steadily walk towards it

 

“Here I go!” I said out loud to my self with tears poring down my face as I was happy to be nearly home. I lifted my foot as high as the sky, to reach the door, as it was floating in mid-air as high as space; I slowly lifted my body and went through the door into the world called Earth in other words called home., I learned a lot experience in Newton and will never forget it, or Adam my lost long love, I remember wishing that I would meet someone else like him or even better, the thing is Newton changed me into a better person I learned to treat other people with respect.

 

 I landed on the floor of my basement, bleeding so much as I slammed the floor with strength that could break metal bars. i tried to get up while kicking all over the place, I looked drunk like I did before I got pulled into the world Newton. Suddenly I hit the glowing door on accident , and  tried to catch it as fast as i could , but it wasn't fast enough.

The door slammed shut never to be open again! 

Author's Note

hey keep commenting and reviewing x

Reviews

[Alicia Beavis]

Introduction:

The second line is a major run-on sentence. I'd try breaking it up instead of using all those commas. Here's a suggest for a few revisions of it:

"I'm in my cold, damp basement packing up all of my belongings because I am moving home tomorrow. I’m wishing all my tragic memories in this basement will disappear forever, as they are painful and killing me. It's as if I’m drowning in water and I cannot swim to shore, but there’s no escape. It's like being in a cage of hungry tigers and surrounding you and everywhere you turn there is a tiger waiting for you."

Also, the second and third paragraphs feel very repetitious because you write "Newton" three times in three lines and the third paragraph is a run-on. Here's how I'd re-word it:

"Before I went to Newton , I was not the ideal teenage daughter my parents wanted. I would always get in trouble in school with the teachers and out of school with the police. Looking back, I am not proud of my behaviour, I am very disgusted."

Chapter 1:

"The door slammed open, crashing to the floor," the door crashed to the floor? do you mean crashed into the wall? it seems weird if not.

"letting hundreds of year elevens students in my house, (full stop instead of a comma.) it looked like a dam breaking, (full stop here instead and start a new paragraph because there is speech next.) “its (it's) party time “ I screamed (comma) feeling very excited as it was my birthday party.

"Faith, (full stop here instead) Faith and I have been…"

"staircase, (no comma) of my basement"

"I herd (heard)"

"who it was crying, (full stop instead) I tripped over…"

"concrete floor, (full stop instead) some would say…"

I stopped reading at this point. When I get time I shall try to come back and finish up critiquing.

[kylie]

Such a fantastic piece here, this could be turned into something marvelous. I love how it makes me wonder whether it is real or a fantasy of the speaker. Amazing stuff. Go back through and revise revise revise! That is a sure way to make sure this piece meets its full potential.