GAD

I'm convinced when people meet me for the first time their perception is not favorable. I can hear their voices inside of my head..... he's arrogant.....he's an a*****e.......he thinks....... he's thinks he's better than everyone else......he's angry..... he's bored......he's weird...... he'd rather be somewhere else.

These are all misconstrued assumptions......well.......maybe not all of them, but certainly most.

The truth.

A hurricane of emotions is scorching me inside and out. My head is spinning, my knees are week, stomach in knots, slowly perspiring, while hysteria crawls up my spine penetrating my brain and altering my cognitive thinking.

You are now tuned in to the birth of anxiety.

My heart beats faster and faster, like a speeding locomotive about to derail straight out of my chest. My face goes numb, hands tremble, I feel my skin turning pale. This moment is a counterfeit existence.

Terrified, lost, worried, I must flee.

I stare at the floor purposely avoiding any eye contact, a quick glance will reveal the horror show, performed by the feelings inside me. My bottom lip begins to quiver and I want to vomit. The only goal is not to be seen, not to be heard, I yearn to be invisible.

Every move is deliberately calculated.

Crossing my legs, adjusting my hat, taking a sip of water, a simple reply of "yes" or "no" to a question I hardly interpret because I cannot not concentrate. My wish is to be unnoticed, omitted for eccentric behavior, my name, forgotten.

Seconds feel like minutes, minutes like hours, hours are days, and days...years.  

I've already meticulously planned my escape route, I know who I will bid adieu, if the path is hindered, I'm currently working on three separate exit strategies simultaneously. I review each plan over and over, analyzing how to handle any variable that gets in my way.  I've rundown the check list a hundred times.

Finally, the time has come. I'm ready to make my break.

I say my good-byes and head for the door, before I know it, I'm in the car with the key in the ignition, hitting the reverse gear and humming Grateful Dead with a grin from ear to ear. My strategy was flawless.

The short ride home is my salvation.

I begin to unwind, calmness slowly washes over my body like a light rain, tranquility begins coursing through my veins, reality slowly begins to reform. I arrive home and take a deep breath before opening the car door, I savor the control of my body I have retained and slowly head for the softly lit entrance.

I'm home.

I thrust my body onto the couch and scour the TV for the nearest ball game. One may describe this experience as a nightmare, but I consider this a victory.

Frazzled, exhausted, drained, I've made it through another day.

It's time to rest..........

twelve hours till I will have to play this all over again. 

Reviews

[Plud317]

Couldn't of said it better ✌🏼️👍🏻

[Sydney Fredrick]

The way your describe your feelings and emotions through this truly paints a picture in the mind. Beautiful! Well done. :)

[Phillip Francis]

Thank you for taking the time for reading my work Sydney.

[Nisreen]

social anxiety
i get that too

when you got used to your space
being around too many people is draining

i am so like that

great job of bringing it to life

[Phillip Francis]

Thank you Nisreen, I'm happy to hear that you could relate.

[Jorge Peppertrees]

Social Anxiety, yes. It makes every movement, expression, inhalation seem like a choice, a life decision that WILL have consequences. But what? When will it hit? Being constantly on guard is exhausting. Very vivid picture you've painted here :)

[Phillip Francis]

Thank you for reading my work and taking the time to leave a comment.