To Be, Or To Be Lazy?

A short autobiographical snippet.

In retrospect, my procrastination actually played a rather large role in my continued survival.

Throughout my childhood, I never really thought about college or a "future". I either assumed those things would work themselves out when time forced them into my life, or that I simply wouldn't make it that far.

I've always idolized childhood; even as a child, I considered the previous week to be better than the one that was inexorably approaching. As a result of this, I was entirely confident that, eventually, life would degrade to the point that it would no longer be worth living. In my mind, that point would inevitably come before High School ended. All this talk of scholarships, essays, college debt; who wanted that? 

Not that I never thought of just ending it prematurely, before the unbearability set in--I did. However, it was never in that emotional and strangely romanticized way that people often portray it. No--it was much more of an intellectual imagining. I remember considering the cost-to-benefit ratio of my life; are the things I'm going through worth surviving? My laziness often advocated for the side of simply ceasing to exist--the emotional anguish caused to those associated with me, as well the physical discomfort to myself that would certainly come from such an act, are the two main things that dissuaded me this course of action.

Conversely, as much as my lethargy disliked having to persevere through life's continual bullshit of change, it also disliked rushing into irreversible, life changing decisions. These things should be thoroughly pondered, considered, and eventually procrastinated into nonexistence. If not for my total lack of action in response to my ponderings, I may have decided life's tribulations to be un-copable years ago. Fortunately for those who currently enjoy my company, I was, and am, lazy and decidedly indecisive. 

Author's Note

I've grown out of this state of mind, in case any of you were wondering. Just a little thing I thought I'd write.

Reviews

[Poeticadia]

An interesting insight into your pre-college years. The style of the writing reminds me of Conan Doyle; a writer i have always admired.

[Judy Ponceby]

Fascinating look into the mind of Ben. I very much like how you thought through your thinking processes and analyzed them. Very deep thoughts for a young fella. Although I am not quite sure I believe either you being lazy or indecisive. Perhaps you ponder things thoroughly instead. A very well written piece. Good to see you stretching your wings. :)