Part 2, Chapter1, of RFV.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                             PART  TWO  :  UHURULAND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                      ONE

 

    Roger stared at the observation screen. The beautiful big blue-green ball that answered to the name of Earth revolved peacefully against a backdrop of jet black space and twinkling stars.

    “This is the last time I’ll ever see Earth,” he said sadly. “My home planet will be gone soon. And to think I spent all of my life there. Well apart from when I was out in space. Oh and that time when I was piloting home and I took a wrong turning and we wound up in a different galaxy.” He cleared his throat quickly and continued wistfully. “How terrible to think that after living for several billion years, Earth is now going to die. All alone. In the darkness. With no-one to hold its…its…it’s very sad, don’t you think?”

    The Computer considered this poignant question. “How come I don’t have a name?” it asked.

    Roger couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “What did you say?”

    “How come I don’t have a name?” the Computer repeated.

    “A name!? A name!? Earth’s going to be destroyed! This is the last time I’ll ever see my home planet! I’ve just made a very sad speech about it and you want a bloody name!?”

    “That’s correct. A proper name. Like everybody else in the story.”

    “But you’re the Computer,” Roger said, exasperated. “That’s your name.”

    “No, that’s just a term for a collection of electronic parts and circuit boards. I want a proper name.”

    “Well what d’you want to be called?” Roger asked, irritated by this interruption to his melo-dramatic mood.

    “From now on,” said the Computer, “I want to be known as Mr Condiment.”

    Despite his irritation, Roger sniggered.

    “Mr Darlene Condiment,” the Computer went on. “Has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? Mr Darlene Condiment!”

    “Darlene!” Roger said. “That’s a woman’s name.”

    “So?”

    “But you’re a male computer. You talk with a man’s voice.”

    “So?”

    ‘Oh God,’ thought Roger, ‘I hope it’s not going to get difficult. Not when I want to be poignant and then head towards Earth Two and see Amanda. I know, maybe I could humour it.’ He cleared his throat (as he did on the previous page). “So how long will it take us to get to Earth Two, Darlene?” he asked.

    The Computer, cheerfully humming away to itself, ignored him.

    “Em…I say…Darlene?...Mr Darlene Condiment?”

    “I’m sorry, did you say Darlene? Mr Darlene Condiment? There’s nobody here by that name.”

    “But you just said you wanted to be called Mr Darlene Condiment!”

    “I’ve changed my mind,” the Computer announced offhandedly.

    Irritation began oozing from Roger’s peripheral nerves.

    “What d’you want,” he began angrily then reined himself in, “to be called now?” he finished pleasantly.

    “Boy Paddy!” the Computer told him. “Like a Disc Jockey.”

    “Boy�"“

    Loud disco music flooded the bridge. Boy Paddy started to sing along with it. Roger screamed and picked up a chair and was charging at the Computer when the music abruptly stopped.

    “How fast d’you want to get to Earth Two?” Boy Paddy asked.

    Roger halted in mid-smash. “No tricks?” he asked suspiciously.

    “No tricks,” Boy Paddy promised. “How fast. Remember �" Amanda will be waiting for you.”

    Roger put down the chair and thought about it. About Amanda. About Amanda’s big firm curvy breasts. He flushed. “Pretty fast,” he said.

    “Well you’re the Captain. What speed d’you want, Captain?”

    Roger frowned and thought about it some more.

    “Captain White. Captain Whiting. Whiting. Haddock. Sardine. Herr Kapitan Sardine. Herr Kapitan zur See, Roger von Wolfgang-Sardine.”

    The chair was in Roger’s hands again.

    “What speed do you request, Captain White?”

    The chair lowered a little. “You promised there’d be no tricks.”

    “Oh I was just having a little bit of fun!” Boy Paddy replied good humouredly. “Can’t you take a joke? What speed do you want, Captain?”

    “Remind me of our fastest speed.”

    “We can go faster than the speed of light. It’s called Light Speed Plus.”

    The chair was replaced. “Okay. Increase speed to Light Speed Plus.”

    Boy Paddy laughed derisively. “Nobody can go faster than the speed of light, s**t for brains. Didn’t they teach you that in Pilot’s College?”

    Roger crimsoned. “I was only joking,” he said. “It’s good to relax and have a joke. You said so yourself. It relieves tension.” He tried to laugh to demonstrate his point but it sounded like a hyena with its testicles caught in a cactus.

    “So I take it you want maximum speed?” Boy Paddy asked. “So you can be with Amanda and her big firm curvy breasts?”

    “Yes. I mean--”

    “Increasing speed to maximum. Say bye-bye to Earth. Strap in. Too late.”

    “Aaarrrggghhh!!”

    Still torn between saying goodbye to Earth and half-thinking about Amanda’s big firm curvy breasts, Roger was once again thrown backwards down the bridge as the Ship’s resident DJ, Boy Paddy, increased speed to maximum.