Part 1, Chapter2, of RFV.

TWO

 

    Roger picked himself up, adjusted his smoking-jacket and his dignity and glanced at the screen. The Cloud was gone. It must be behind them.

    “Could I have a rear view please?” he asked the Computer.

    “Certainly,” it replied affably.

    A huge picture of himself from behind flashed onto the screen.

    Roger closed his eyes. “Of the Cloud,” he said, drumming his fingers on a console.

    “Sorry.”

    The Black Cloud came on screen. It seemed further away.

    “Is there any chance of it catching up to us?” Roger asked, staring at it.

    “Sure. If we slow down. Shall I decrease speed?”

    Roger glanced at the Computer. “Stop being silly. What is this Cloud anyway?”

    “Rear Scanner reports show that it’s--”

    “I’ve asked this question to sort of give a bit of body to the story.”

    “...definitely composed of anti-matter and some other unknown molecular substances travelling--”

    “You know, a bit of plot that the reader can fasten on to.”

    “...in the same direction as us at roughly half our present sp--”

    “Rather than a lot of sort of disjointed manic scenes. Mania can be quite amusing at times but--”

    “Stop it!”

    “...if it’s just a collection of disjointed scenes thrown together it doesn’t really make a--”

    “Shut up!”

    “...very good story. In fact I would say that one can easily lose the drift of what’s going on if--”

    The Computer screamed.

    Roger frowned. “...one doesn’t have a plot. I say, are you okay?”

    “Fine, fine. You just keep interrupting me, that’s all. I mean you asked for a description of the Cloud to give a sense of plot and when I’m trying to describe it, making this whole ridiculous story sound plausible, you keep f*****g well interrupting me, launching into some diatribe about the virtues of mania verses the intricacies of plot construction and you go on and on and on like some virgin about to be deflowered as if mania was some totally new concept you’d just discovered. Christ, people have been using mania for years and years and here’s some jumped-up little dick-head of a Pilot trying to tell me something I’ve known about for f*****g aeons.”

    Roger glanced round the Bridge. “Pardon?” he said. “I didn’t catch that last bit. After you said I was interrupting you.”

    The Computer screamed again.

    “I say,” Roger said, looking smug, “why d’you keep screaming like that? Is there something wrong with your wiring?”

    “Look, if you don’t allow me to describe this Cloud,” the Computer said slowly and deliberately, “thus substantiating the entire novel, I’ll humiliate you about your sex life.”

    “Keep it brief.”

    “The description or the humiliation?”

    “The description.”

    “Right. The Black Cloud is composed of anti-matter and some other unknown molecular substances and is fifty miles wide. It is destroying everything in its path, is heading towards Earth and nothing can stop it.”

    “Anything else?”

    “You’re not very good in bed. Have difficulty maintaining your--”

    “That’s enough of that!” Roger said quickly.

    He strolled around the Bridge, deep in thought, his razor-sharp Pilot’s brain digesting the information the Computer had just given him about the Cloud. A minute later, the salient facts surfaced.

    “You mean this Cloud is heading towards Earth?” he asked.

    “Affirmative.”

    “Well hadn’t we better get back and warn them?”

    “Of course. There may be a medal in it for you.”

    “Mmmhhh, especially as there may be a--. Look, I’m not really interested in baubles, I’m more interested in--”

    “Impressing Amanda.”

    “Impressing Amanda,” Roger agreed and flushed.

    The Computer laughed scornfully.

    Under stress, Roger did what any highly trained Pilot would have done at a time like this.

    The Computer sensed what he was doing. “Come away from that corner and take your finger out your nose,” it ordered.

    Roger turned round. “I’ve had an idea!” he said brightly, strolling back over.

    “Let’s hear it.”

    “Couldn’t we just cut the story to us approaching Earth and save a lot of time?”

    “Oh I don’t know about that,” the Computer replied. “It’s highly irregular.”

    “So are my bowels,” Roger muttered to himself.

    “Still,” the Computer mused, “there’s no harm in trying. Okay, go ahead and ask.”

    Roger looked puzzled. “Ask who?”

    “Whoever’s writing this, dummy.”

    “Oh I see. Right.” He cleared his throat and straightened his smoking-jacket. “I say, is there any chance of cutting the story to us approaching Earth so we can save a bit of time?” he asked.

    Silence.

    Roger looked round.

    More silence.

    “Oh well, it was worth a try,” he said, shrugging.

    “There’s good news and bad news!” announced the Computer.

    “Really?” Roger said, brightening. “What’s the good news?”

    “We’re approaching Earth.”

    “Yippee!” Roger yelled. “It worked.”

    Pictures of himself as the Hero of Earth flashed across his head as he realised he would be able to warn everyone about the Dust. There would definitely be a medal in it for him. Maybe Amanda would let him--. He flushed.

    “Wait a minute,” he said. “What’s the bad news?”

    “Earth’s disappeared.”

    Roger was stunned. “Vanished? You mean it’s not there anymore?”

    “Take a look.”

    Roger stared at the forward observation screen. There was only empty black space and some twinkling stars where his home planet used to revolve.

    “So where d’you think Earth might be?” he asked.

    “I’ve no idea,” replied the Computer. “Perhaps we should send out a message asking if anyone’s seen a sort of big blue-green ball floating around. Answers to the name of Earth.”

    Roger considered this idea. “No,” he said eventually, shaking his head, “it wouldn’t work. If Earth’s gone there’d be nobody around to see the message.”

    The Computer groaned.

    Roger paced slowly round the Bridge. ‘If Mr Entwhistle was here, he’d know what to do,’ he thought. ‘Mr Entwhistle knew lots of things. Useful things. Like how to survive on an uninhabited planet with nothing but a piece of string and last month’s copy of ‘Astronomers Weekly’.’ He frowned. ‘Why did they have to keep locking him up so often? He seemed so fond of children too.’

    He continued to pace slowly round the Bridge, deep in thought, hands clasped behind his back. When he turned back towards the forward observation screen again, he glanced up and what a surprise! The beautiful blue-green ball of Earth was revolving where it was supposed to be!

    The Computer laughed mockingly. “Ha, ha, ha! Fooled you!”

    “Why you absolute bas--”

    “Shouldn’t you be rehearsing your speech?”

    Roger was caught off guard. “Speech? What speech?”

    “Well with the information you have about the Black Cloud you’ll be treated like a Hero for warning Earth. After you receive your medal you’ll have to give a speech to the other Pilots.”

    A dreamy smile holidayed briefly on Roger’s face. “Oh yes! You’re right! A speech to my fellow Pilots. I wonder what I should say?” He began to stroll round the Bridge again, thinking about it.

    “This should be good,” the Computer muttered to itself.

    Roger strolled back over. “What d’you think of this?” he asked. He cleared his throat then stared off theatrically into the distance. Already he had landed on Earth and delivered the message. Later, after a Hero’s reception and medal presentation he was in the auditorium at Fleet HQ with all the other Pilot’s seated in front of him.

    “Fleet Commander,” he began.

    Simulated applause from the Computer.

    Roger nodded haughty acknowledgement of the applause.

    “Assistant Fleet Commander,” he went on.

    More applause. Another haughty nod.

    “Deputy Assistant Fleet Commander,” he drivelled on.

    Not so enthusiastic applause. A further haughty nod.

    “First Assistant to the Deputy Assis--”

    “Oh get on with it!” snapped the Computer.

    “Fellow Pilots,” Roger said quickly. “While on a mission quite a long way from Earth, a mission that was pretty dangerous, a mission so important that I was chosen to lead it, well not exactly lead, I mean I can’t say lead when I was the only person there, a mission shall we say that I was...that I was...”

    There was an ominous silence from the Computer.

    “I say, is there anything wrong?” Roger asked.

    The Computer hesitated.

    “Well?”

    “There’s something you should know about Earth,” it eventually said.

    “Oh don’t tell me it’s disappeared again?” Roger asked irritated.

    “Not…quite.”

    “What d’you mean, not…quite? What is it? Is it still there?”

    “Affirmative but scanner reports show that--”

    “Oh don’t tell me!” Roger said theatrically, hand on brow. “Whatever it is, I don’t want to know. I don’t care what the problem is. Don’t tell me. I’m not interested. Don’t even try to say anything about it. Don’t say a word...is it dangerous?”

    “Negative.”

    “Then I’m not concerned,” the Hero of Earth said dramatically. “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care! Take us down!” he commanded. “And have the full

Fleet Command there to meet me. Tell them I have a very important message about Earth being in serious danger.”

    “But there’s something changed you should--”

    Roger was having none of it. “Take us down!” he commanded. “The VIP Landing Bay! Now!”

    “Alrighty,” said the Computer. “You asked for it, smart arse,” it muttered and started to take the Ship down.