AH WAS A-SNORIN WHEN THEY HUNG'D ME

Mustard sauce will never be the same again.

                       AH WAS A-SNORIN WHEN THEY HUNG’D ME

 

    He he he! Sure put one over on them dumb a*s city boys like! How comes? Cos Ah was a-snorin when they hung’d me! Didn’t fuss me none gettin hung’d. Didn’t hurt me none neithers. Tells you how later.

    Don’t know why they made such a botherin anyways. Hell, it was just a few bodies here an there. All right, maybe ten or twenty. A year. Over maybe ten years. Hmm, Ah suppose it mounts up now Ah reckons on it. Never done that afores. Yep, coulda been a coupla hunnerd now Ah counts them up. Tell ye the truth, Ah couldn’t give a pig’s n****e.

    That damn wife was the first t’ go. All that bitchin an hollerin. Way too much fer a backwoods boy like me t’ be a-suff’rin. Chopped her up in the kitchen like kindlin. Place looked like one of ole Crazy Bob’s paintins afores Ah cleaned up.

    That’s when Ah got the taste.

    Had them meaty thighs o’ hers with me down at ma still. Supposed t’ be goin in the river. Then Ah thought Ah might burn one on the still fire, likes. Just t’ see what happened.

    Looked kinda good a-spittin an a-bubblin in there. Roasted up a treat. Smelled dee-licious! Damn if it didn’t burn ma tongue! Tasted fine tho. Had the rest o’ her with that real nice mustard sauce she made. Got me a whole shelf o’ the stuff.

    Folks at the shacks knew Ah had off’d her, likes. But nobody talks round here. No cops ever come t’ these backwoods. Not if they ever wants t’ leave again that is.

    Took me out a-roamin after that. Stayin away from the shack fer weeks. Just a-lookin. A-lookin fer city types. Found lots. Type that wants a taste o’ the woods. Well Ah sure got a taste o’ them!

    Like them two plump campin gals. Hell you’d need a mule train t’ haul all that fancy s**t they had. They don’t need it no mores. Drew the veil back on their worst nitemares afores they roasted. Tasted damn fine with that mustard sauce. Specially after Ah added ma own stuffin!

    Found me lotsa hobos on ma travels. Dirty sons a b*****s. Sprayed ’em clean with ma twelve gauge. Never ate ’em tho. No tellin what s**t them useless b******s was carryin.

    The years drifted by an so did I. From ma shack into the woods. Lived off the fat o’ the land…an the fat fuckers that wandered in. Suppose that’s when the numbers started mountin. Wasn’t keepin no tally nor nothin. Killin an eatin ’em, well Ah suppose it could’ve gone on fer ever. Till the b******s caught me.

    How in the f**k did Ah know she was a Senator’s daughter? B***h kept screamin she was. Still, Ah reckon folks’ll say just about anythin when they’re starin up them n****r nose holes on a twelve gauge.

    They was just another two city types havin a weekend in the woods. Their last weekend. Real purty gal an her purty boyfriend. Made her watch when Ah reamed him. “Squeal like a pig, boy!” Man, he surely did.

    Took awhiles with her. Like Ah said, real purty she was. Tasted purty as well. Even without no mustard sauce on accounts it was all long gone by then.

    Turns out she was tellin the truth. Wasn’t just any ole Senator neithers. Seems him an the Pres’dent was jug-drinkin buddies. Sheet!

    Them f****n backwoods was soon crawlin with Mr Nash’nal Guard. All over the place they was like fire ants on a bear hide.

    Snucked up on me when Ah was a-crappin. Ma pants an ma guard was down. Fella said he’d blow ma balls off if Ah so much as farted. Good job Ah hadn’t eaten no beans.

    They sentenced me t’ be hung. Hung’d by the neck. Had me a good run so who gives a f**k? Man’s gotta go sometimes. Ah spit up their a*s!

    Judge asked if’n Ah had any regrets. Told him yeah. That Ah regretted not havin no mustard sauce when Ah ate that last gal. He he he! Helluva commotion over that!

    Down in Death Row fer weeks Ah was. Just a-settin there afore they finally had the balls t’ hung me. ’Ventually the Priest came in so Ah knew the time was a-nearin. Then ma kin dropped by an Ah knew that was it.

    Here’s a laugh fer ye tho. Ma last eatin. Told me Ah could have anythins. So Ah asked fer steak. Nice fat juicy steak. Right off a fat juicy gal’s a*s! Guards were whoopin an hollerin when they heard that! Gave me steak anyhows. Off a fat juicy cow’s a*s. Still, least Ah had me some mustard sauce.

    Well like Ah said earlier, the hungin didn’t hurt me none. How comes? Cos Ah can fall dead asleep in three minutes flat. Lotsa folks timed me back at the shacks. Snorin Ah was in three. Bin doin it since Ah was a kid.

    So afores they put the hood on me Ah gives the Priest the big sob story. Real good it was too! Ah needed five minutes t’ talk with the Good Lord in private. Explain maself, like. Pray fer ma ’mortal soul. Beg His fergiveness. Fergiveness ma a*s!

    They fell for it! Guard puts the hood on me an they gives me five minutes. Three minutes later Ah’m asleep. A-softly snorin an a-snoozin like a babe. So Ah was a-snorin when they hung’d me!

    Know what? The sound o’ that lever a-crashin an me a-droppin �" hell, didn’t even wake me.

 

 

 

Reviews

[N. Tripper]

Nice and original! Since I have my critique cap on I'm going to make the following suggestions. Let me just start by stating the obvious: this story is written in first person perspective. Okay, so as it stands nothing above is in quotes and usually when we try to pin down a dialect, we write it phonetically, as you've done, only we do it within the context of character speech inside quotation marks. Since all of this is outside quotation marks, maybe write the story as if the character is writing it down instead of speaking it. In that case, you probably wouldn't need to use Ah for I (which my eye stopped on every time I saw it) and there would be less phonetics and maybe more spelling errors -- my estimated guess that he dropped out of school somewhere around the age of 10 (or maybe never went at all!) That said, I thought you pinned the dialect pretty darn well and I could hear the man's voice in my head. It was a tongue in cheek horror story. I enjoyed it and only offer criticisms as constructive ideas for you as you continue to write.