Self Hatred

I've gotten so sad all of the sudden and it feels so deep and dark. I don't know how to handle it. I've tried telling my friends and they don't seem to care. They can never take me seriously. I can't even see what I'm typing properly because of the tears in my eyes. I have so many emotions I want to type out but I can't make sense of them all. I can't make them come together in a sentence. There are so many people in worse situations than I am in right now. I feel as if I have no right to complain. I wish I could help everyone, at least let them talk out their problems with me. I feel so useless not being able to make any sort of difference. How was everyone at school so care-free and happy? Do they not worry about the problems everyone else has? Now that I type it, it sounds rather odd. I am probably one of not too many that think in that way. 

I'm so paranoid and worrisome all the time, always biting my lip or moving my fingers when I'm nervous. I wonder if people ever notice.. And what do they think? Do they think I'm a weird nervous wreck, or do they ponder what I could be so anxious about? Probably not, people have their own problems to worry about. I would love to have someone to share my most hidden feelings with. It's only being silly with my friends, I could tell one of them about a problem I have and they just brush it off or ignore me. It's so frustrating sometimes. I just want someone to listen.

I think what scares me most is not being unique in any way. Which is kind of pointless because although I can seem unique to one person, I know I in no way am. There is over seven billion people on Earth and I am only one. I feel like it is impossible to be different. When I think that I also start to ask myself why anyone should like me. I'm such a rotten person and there are so many others that are so much better than I. Like I don't deserve for anyone to ever love me because I'm difficult and awful and anyone willing to love me deserves much better. 

Author's Note

I started this being awfully sad and by the time I was finished I was feeling much better, Writing has become a way for me to cope with my feelings, so I hope I'm good at it.

Reviews

[Darian B.]

So powerful. I know the pain all too well. Until I started posting my stuff on Writer's Cafe, nobody in my life could relate to how I felt so I just stopped trying. Trust me though, you are unique. It takes a lot of courage to be able to put yourself out there like you did, and you put yourself out there so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this, it really is powerful

[slightly terrified]

Thank you for your kind words! It really means the world getting positive feedback on something I'm so passionate about.

[BLitZeD]

im stuck on your last line, (( I'm difficult and awful and anyone willing to love me deserves much better. )) that well 1st, is describing the grinch, so if your like 6f2 289 lbs green with grinch fingerrs, maybe, if not then no this is just a bs statement ,, everyone is loved by someone, 4real , everyone loves some one and is loved by someone, i dnt even know you n i had love 4 u b4 today, you always comment on my posts, to the point i knew ur picture enough to realize it was you again. i knoow this is a post from june, but have more confidence in your self, like f**k you helped me out today, might not mean anything to u butnto me it does, and 4 that you r loved. thanks i do appreciate it, lmk if u wana write sometime together, do like a collab or something

[barleygirl]

I congratulate you for coming to the page & writing anyway, even tho you haven't been feeling inspired. I know what you mean about feeling better, after getting it on the outside. I think most people don't care very much about those who are struggling, but I've found that writers in general are more caring, becuz we are more in the habit of observing feelings, expressing feeling, & trying to understand them.

Your description of how this feels is almost exactly how it feels for everyone. We all hate the feeling of being insignificant or not very memorable in our lives. The way I get thru such times is to fake it until I make it. The same goes with writing. Just getting out there & participating can often turn feelings of isolation into something much better.

Some of us feel self-hatred thru-out a long lifetime. It's just another thing to manage about living. Sometimes it's just beneath the surface of everything we do & say & think. I find that I must make a decision every morning that I'm going to focus on the bright parts of living instead. Here's wishing you brighter days & more prolific writing experiences (((HUGS)))

[Rideama]

I really liked reading this because I can really feel what you're feeling, and I have been where you have. I still struggle daily. You're not alone.

[William Liston]

I can feel your pain. My friends are sometime so emotionless that I don't even begin to share my feelings with them. I'm the quiet type anyway. I hope you feel better one day. Best wishes.

[slightly terrified]

Thank you so much, it means a lot to know people feel the same way.