I am a big jumbled mess.

 Finding friends online is such an amazing experience. It sheds a new light on friendship. Shows you that you can be so close to someone, closer than you are to people you know in person, even if you live in separate countries. It’s honestly mind blowing if you give it some thought. You realize there’s a whole world out there full of amazing people you’ll never get to know. Then you become so very thankful for the internet friends you have now because YOU, only a small person in this huge world, get the privilege of speaking to them. Really, it’s quite scary as well, having internet friends. There is always that thought in your head haunting you that one day they just won’t reply anymore. That you will be left clueless as to whether they just stopped enjoying talking to you or if something awful happened. Often the thought of that makes you not want to get close to people online. A lot of times scares us away from becoming close to anyone. In person or not. Losing someone is just too painful and most would rather avoid it.

That attachment leads to people saying that we invest way too much time and effort into the online world. Which, don’t get me wrong. I agree, but to an extent. It just can’t be taken too seriously and when it is, it’s where it gets out of hand. I, for one, would probably be called “too attached” for the reason that I almost depend on my friends online. I realize how terrible that is but one of few things that really keeps me here is not wanting to abandon them. Because I know how terrified I am of that happening to myself.

Saying that makes me feel so self-centered. How selfish do I have to be to feel sorry for myself for losing them when they chose to take their life? I wish I could be thankful for what I have, knowing how many people are less privileged than me. I can’t even begin to explain how ignorant I feel when I catch myself complaining. Why do I do this? I know how lucky I am. Children are getting abused and raped and there is so many things going wrong in the world and I’m sitting in my house complaining about the stupidest little things. And then I start to overly criticize myself. How I want to please everyone but I know I can’t so I feel worthless. How I want to solve everyone’s problems and can’t do that either so I feel like I have absolutely no purpose if I can’t accomplish those things. Everything I’m saying is a mess, it’s all over the place. I’ve been trying to express all of my feelings at once and I should have known it wouldn’t work out. I’m not happy with the person I am now but there is so many things I want to change, I don’t know how or even where to start.