Persuading

Jess bit her lips slightly and glared at Urho behind her “ So annoying.”

Urho looked at her and smiled “ Well, you know? I am afraid you will get lost as well.”

Urho laughed and Jess glared at him and walked faster she snorted “ Can you stop following me like a shadow? I need privacy.”

Urho was still smiling “ Doesn't Master told you that your ability may fail you?”

Jess glared st Urho “ I don't need your help, can you just disappear for a sec?”

“ To where? Under the ground?”

Jess bit her lips again and walked down the street without a word.

Urho smiled “ We are almost there, right?”

Jess nodded, and again ignored him.

Urho shrugged “ I want to know how long can you live without saying a word.”

“ What do you want?!”

“ See? You just cannot bare to live without talking and chatting.”

“ so what? Is that important for you?”

“ Maybe?”

Jess pointed to a reddish building “ Here is the palace.”

It was a big reddish palace with shimmering pearl on the top, it shines brightly, no one can resist the brightness of it.

Urho bit his lips “ I hate the light, its too colorful as well.”

“ They are the northern side's fairy, unlike from us.”

Urho shrugged “ Yeah, we live inside night.”

Jess couldn't help herself to shrug back “ yeah.”

Urho made a face “ You go inside, if anyone found you, just shout my name, wont you?”

“ Not if I can't do it myself.”

Urho shrugged “ Whatever.”

Jess snorted then dashed into the door gate, she muttered to herself “ Half a mile then right.”

Jess smiled then turned right just as the half a mile ended, she was heading to a light blue building, “ heres it,” she said “ the servants housing.” Jess rolled her eyes and sneaked to the second room on the right and jumped inside by the opened window.

*******

Sergiane sighed slightly as she sat down on a wooden arm chair, someone smiled “ Whats so stressful?”

Under the light, Jess walked in “ Can you tell me?” she asked.

Sergiane's eyes darken “ Who are you?”

Jess shrugged “ My name is Jess.”

Sergiane looked at Jess “ Are you related with Zlogonje?”

Jess laughed “ You are smart, smarter than I had expected.” Jess looked around her finally sat on the sofa in front of Sergiane “ So?” Jess smiled.

“ If so, why did you come? Please get out of here, no one will appreciate your visit.”

Jess sighed “ Really? I think you appreciate my visit, since I think you know I can help you, isn't it?”

Sergiane glared at her, however, she managed to control herself “ Why would I? Your master is an enemy of my master! I am not a fool. Since when we are friends anyway.”

Jess shrugged “ Well, maybe we really aren't, but sometime, we will be. Agree?”

Sergiane demanded “ Why do you come?!”

Jess shook “ Oh sweet heart, calm down, I am here to help you.” Jess smiled “ You will soon be please.”

Sergiane rolled her eyes, she didn't have an idea why Jess, a fairy of the southern side, bounded to Zlogonje, will find her “ I am please enough now, I serve my queen.”

Jess smiled “ Really? I think you are really unhappy of what she had done to you ten or more years ago. Or do you go over it already?”

Sergiane said “ Get out, or I will tell the guards.”

Jess laughed “ You think anyone can stop me?” Jess shook “ Yeah, maybe, but not if Urho is here. Sweetie, I sincerely hope you will listen to me.”

Sergiane bit her lips “ What do you want?!”

Jess shrugged “ Something you can give me without any problem, just your help.”

Sergiane laughed “ You are the trust of the Southern King, what will you need from me?”

Jess smiled “ I know things you don't know and you know things I don't know, how bout we exchange?”

Sergiane rolled her eyes again “ Like what? And why do you have the confidence that I wont call for help?”

Jess laughed “ Well, if you still obey her, I wont trust you, but since you are just partly obeying her, I trust you.”

Sergiane said “ So, thats why Zlogonje trust you so much, you are such a fairy.”

Jess shrugged “ So how about that, if you can tell me where the key is, I will help you defeat that queen.”

Sergiane knew what Jess want, Gasira, the girl who was the important key to fairy, but she need to pretend “ what key?”

Jess' eyes darken, smile more wicked “ If you are trying to play games in front of me, forget that.”

Sergiane said “ Fine, I do know where the key is, so what?”

Jess laughed “ I need your help.”

Sergiane shrugged “ Great.”

Jess smiled “ Deal”

Author's Note

Another left to be edit work, please ignore grammer for now, I need more on plot.
Thanks!

Reviews

[Weaver]

(review with proofreading too, as requested)
period after "Urho behind her"
period after "and smiled"
period after "Jess snorted"
period after "still smiling"
"Doesn't Master told you" - Do you mean "Didn't Master tell you"?
"glared st Urho" - "glared at Urho" - period after "Urho"
period, not comma, after "don't need your help"
period after "Urho shrugged"
period after "Urho smiled"
no comma after "Jess nodded"
period after "Urho shrugged" (Unless you mean to make a point of how often this character shrugs, you may want to find some other "business" - small action or gesture - for Urho to do instead.)
period after "stomped her feet"
period after "Urho laughed"
"cannot bare to live" - "bear"
period after "Jess snorted"
capitalize "So"
period after "Urho laughed"
I'm also seeing a very repetitive pattern in sentences here: a short description of action - someone smiles or shrugs - followed by their line of dialogue. Try mixing up the order a bit, or not having them do some business before every time they speak.
period after "reddish building"
"reddish palace" - You already said that it's reddish. Maybe something more specific than "big, reddish" would work better. Is it sprawling? Towering? What kind of material is it made of? Brick? Granite? Sandstone?
"shimmering pearl on the top" - Actual pearl? Not a practical material for ANYTHING that gets exposed to weather. (Even pearls that people wear as jewelry have to be cleaned because the acid in human skin damages them otherwise - just think of what sun and rain would do.) Maybe the pearly look is actually fancy glazed tiles?
"it shines brightly, no one can resist the brightness of it" - change in verb tense - "It shone so brightly, no one could resist the brightness of it."
period after "bit his lips"
period, not comma, after "hate the light"
"its too colorful" - "it's"
period after "Jess laughed"
"unlike from us" - either "unlike ours" or "different from us" (I'm not sure what you mean here)
period after "Urho shrugged"
period after "shrug back"
capitalize "Yeah"
period after "made a face"
period, not comma, after "go inside"
"if anyone found you" - "If anyone finds you"
"wont you" - won't you"
comma after "Jess said"
period after "Urho shrugged"
(Seriously, the constant shrugging is getting silly, and I don't think that's what you intend.)
period, not comma, after "the gate door"
comma after "She muttered to herself"
comma after "Half a mile"
period, not comma, after "mile ended"
period, not comma, after "light blur building"
"heres it" - "Here it is"
comma after "she said"
"the servants housing" - "servants'"
period, not comma, after "wooden arm chair"
period after "someone smiled"
"Whats so stressful" - "What's"
period after "Jess walked in"
"Sergiane's eyes darken" - "darkened"
period after "Jess shrugged"
period after "looked at Jess"
period after "Jess laughed"
"looked around her finally sat" - "looked around her and finally sat"
period after "in front of Sergiane"
comma after "Sergiane said"
period, not comma, after "get out of here"
period after "Jess sighed"
"isn't it" - "don't you"
period, not comma, after "glared at her"
period after "control herself"
"a enemy" - "an enemy"
question mark, not period after "Since when are we friends, anyway"
period after "Jess shrugged"
comma after "Sergiane demanded"
period after "Jess shook"
"soon be please" - "soon be pleased"?
period, not comma, after "rolled her eyes"
"will find her" - "would find her" - period after "her"
"I am please" - "pleased"
period, not comma, after "now"
period after "Jess smiled"
"unhappy of what" - "unhappy at what"
"do you go over it already" - "did you get over it already"
comma after "Sergiane said"
period after "Jess laughed"
period after "Jess shook" - Do you mean "Jess shook her head"?
period after "bit her lips"
period after "Jess shrugged"
period after "Sergiane laughed"
"are the trust" - "have the trust"?
period, not comma, after "Southern King"
period after "Jess smiled"
comma after "know things you don't know"
period, not comma, after "things I don't know"
"how bout we exchange?" - "How 'bout we exchange?"
period after "rolled her eyes again"
"I wont" - "I won't"
period after "Jess laughed"
"I wont trust you" - "won't"
comma after "Sergiane said"
"thats why" - "that's why"
"Zlogonje trust you" - "trusts"
period, not comma, after "trusts you"
period after "Jess shrugged"
question mark, not comma, after "So how about that"
"what Jess want" - "wanted"
colon, not comma, after "wanted"
"need to pretend" - "needed"
period after "pretend"
"what key" - "What key"
"eyes darken" - "darkened"
"smile more wicked" - "and she smiled more wickedly"
period after "wickedly"
comma after "Sergiane said"
period after "Jess laughed"
period after "Sergiane shrugged"
Major problems: End punctuation - ALWAYS use some kind of punctuation at the end of a sentence. Character actions - too much shrugging, too much laughing when it doesn't seem appropriate, lack of reaction to things (like someone sneaking into the palace) that a character would probably not take so calmly.
A bit more description of place would help, too. We know from description that the larger part of this chapter happens in a palace, but what about the rest of it? And what do those places look like? Are there other people around? What is the weather like? What time of day?

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

It's getting even more interesting!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining chapter. I like the description and the good conversation. A very good chapter. Thank you.
Coyote

[Loner]

Really interesting piece!

[astoundinglyattractive]

this is great, and no doubt you worked really hard on it, but i have a few suggestions:
-this is mostly dialouge. while dialouge is good, too much can, sorry to say, start to get boring.
-when writing it is good to use snapshots instead of speaker tags. you lean towards speaker tags.
-insted of 'she said' try something like 'she snorted and turned her back, continuing to walk forwards. its alot more captivating.
-i don't know the setting. before, after, and in between dialouge, it its good to describe the setting, the mood, the characters, and other things that are important to the story.
-i said before that snapshots are better than speaker tags, but there is nothiung wrong with using speaker tags every now and then. but, when you use them, they can be placed before, after, and in the middle of dialouge. i noticed you put the majority of them at the beginning of speech, and that should be changed.
--------
i rveiewed this honestly becaus e it is what i would want. i think you're writing is good, but you should definatly use the tips i have given you, and those from weaver as well.

Happy Writing!!!!!
FairyBlue

[hannajade]

I like the idea of the story...
but it defaintly needs a bit of work in the grammar, and is a little confusing in some places... once you edit it will be a really good book:)

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Jess is quite a character. She is a real handful.
Can't wait to see what she does next.

[Priyankaabhilaashi]

Good..!!!

[Steph's_romantic_myster..]

This was wonderful and enchanting.... If their were grammatical problems I did'nt see it and it made me feel a pleasent feeling to read this. Definately a favorite!