Undying Love: Zombiphiles or Denecrophiliacs

A satire set in a zombie infested world. However, the danger in not the zombies. These zombies couldn't hurt a fly. The danger is in how we exploit these zombies.

Undying Love: Zombiephilie or Denecrophiliac

Lichelle Rodriguez drank 2 piña coladas, a daiquiri, a mojito, and a hurricane. This guy she recently started seeing was trying to get her drunk enough to take advantage of her, in other words, he was trying to shove his dick in her. I guess the bar tender skimped on the rum because she was only buzzin'. Boy-toy should have bought her 5 more before attempting to grab her a*s. She pushes him away. Another night with “Manuelita” for him.

That's why she's walking down the beach alone at 2:00 am. She kept drinking after she ditched homeboy. Now she's drunk enough to want to nap on the sand. Its not safe for this petite, vulnerable, 18 year old girl to be here. Anything could happen.

She's been sleeping on the sand for an hour. In the distance, someone approaches her slowly. He is eager that he found her. He must move quickly before she wakes up. There's no time to waste. He grabs her leg. She's still out. He puts her foot in his mouth, he's into that s**t. He nibbles and tongues at her to taste her sweet toes. the tide comes in more and splashes her awake. Dazed and confused, she yells, "Tommy, I said no!" He grunts and snarls. "wait, your not Tommy" she says. He reaches for her again. She screams for help. She tries to run away but her feet slip on the sand. The guy crawls after her. He grabs her again but she kicks his arm away. Though, She didn't just kick his arm away. She kicked his arm off. "What the f**k! Gross," she thought. Now she's freaking out. Out of instinct, she kicks at his face a few times. He loses most of his teeth in the process. She screams, "who the f**k are you!? What are you, a retard?" He just grunts and reaches for her again. Lichelle grabs a handful of sand and throws it at his eyes. Now he can't see her. Blinding him gives Lichelle the confidence to grab his other arm, pull it off his body, and beat the f**k out of him with it. “I don't care if you are a retard, you can't do this to people you creep!" she proclaims. once she realizes how weak and stupid this guy is, she starts to f**k with him. She puts him in a head lock, gives a him a noogy, slaps him in the back of his head, and kicks him in the a*s. She then pulls down his pants and shoves his severed arm up his a*****e. “you try and rape me you f**k, well f**k you you f*****g dick, how ya like that, ya f****t? This isn't over yet,” she tells him. Now he has no hands to rub the sand out of his eyes. Even if he did have hands he's too dumb to know how. While he walks in blind circles trying to bite her, Lichelle digs a trench in the sand. Then she grabs him by the hair and throws him into the trench and proceeds to bury him up to his neck. She runs away and leaves him there.

Morning comes, it's 6:00 am. A pre-teen boy finds the perpetrator when the boy trips over him while running on the sand. The boy looks at the mound of sand covering the man. Lichelle gave the guy huge sand b***s and a small sand penis. Writing in the sand next to him reads, “Please pee on my face, a jellyfish stung me!” So the young boy, all concerned, pees on the the man's face. The urine cleaned the sand out of his eyes. Now he can see again. And he sees the boy and starts biting in his direction. The boy gets scared and runs away. Now the man sees the police coming in response to Lichelle's phone call.

The above is a blog post by then tabloidesque amateur online journalist Sharon Doherty, a second-hand retelling. It is believed that the amateur journalist was a friend of Lichelle Rodriguez. Once thought to be mere fan fiction. In actuality, this was an authentic report of the first encounter with patient zero, Antonio Vacanti, the son of Dr. Lindsey Vacanti, on May 9th, 2016, Galveston, TX. Antonio was such a difficult case for the Austin State Hospital (formally known as the State Lunatic Asylum) that asylum workers allowed him to leave. Even the asylum administrator and head nurse were in favor of releasing Antonio deeming that no solution will ever be found for him and that he poses no threat to anyone. They signed the documents to release him on January 1st 2016. He wondered aimlessly until reaching the beach of Galveston where he found Lichelle Rodriguez.

No one ever expected that zombies would be like this. People always imagined zombies as these vicious mindless killing machines that crave living human brains. But that's not the case entirely. They do crave living flesh. However, zombies in reality are a mere nuisance, lethal to no one. They are an annoying, putrid eyesore on society. Many people treat them like bums or drug addicts but they are worse than druggie bums because zombies won't die. And worst of all, they are extremely persistent.

The zombie outbreak all started when the New York geneticist, Dr. Lindsey Vacanti, working for the research organization named ParaSOL, began experiments to create chimeras for the purpose of designer pets. Some of her sponsors wanted dog/cat chimeras resembling Red Pandas with scent glands that emited the smell of vanilla extract, had no claws, and never shed, drooled, growled, or barked. Many other clients demanded a Komodo dragon with giant bat wings. She began to grow obsessed with her work. After 5 years without much progress and with investors losing patience, she became frustrated enough to include herself in her experiments. Vacanti, mad with lust for advancement, began to developed a fetish for the animals in her research project. The lust for her “pets” grew to the point of training a male sloth named Owen, her favorite, to have sex with her. Desperate to find a solution to combine the genes of two different species, she attempted in vitro fertilization coupled with actual mating of different species, herself and Owen.

What Vacanti didn't know was that Owen was infected with rabies. The sloth was infected by a bite from a white-headed Capuchin that was brought into the research facility unknowingly infected. The Capuchin later showed obvious rabid behavior and was quickly quarantined. However, the slow, weak nature of the the sloth masked its rabies symptoms. Therefore, Vacanti continued “experimenting” with Owen, *** that sick b***h.

In all her fucked up experimenting, she finally succeeded in creating a human/sloth chimera. She gave birth to her rabies infested abomination while herself infected with rabies via Owen. However, she was not a zombie. She was simply carrying the traditional un-mutated form of the virus. But In creating her abomination, Vacanti catalyzed the mutation of the rabies virus. The mutation brewed in the living body of her creation. No longer was the virus fatal. The virus must have realized that if it kills its host, it too dies. She named her boy Antonio Vacanti before she and Owen died from the rabies virus. Antonio was placed in an orphanage where he was deemed to have Down syndrome and autism. He was eventually sent to an insane asylum, the Austin State Hospital, were he spent most of his life. Antonio grew normally and showed no signs of the rabies virus. However, the virus was in fact slowly transforming him into something else. It took the virus 19 years to fully mutate in the body of Antonio. On his 19th year of life it was clear that Antonio had turned into a zombie. The virus carries with it the genes of a sloth. Hence, implanting the traits of sloths into its host. This new form of rabies causes its host to lose all memory and cognitive awareness. Furthermore, the host moves so slowly that it's heart rate lowers to approximately 7 bpm. The lifespan of all mammals is approximately 1.5 billion heart beats. This drastically increases the lifespan of the host. So far, no zombie has been reported of dying from natural causes. So far, the new virus is only affecting humans. There has been no report of animal infections.

Needless to say, finding a cure for the virus was on no one's top priority due to the fact that the zombies can't kill anyone. I know what you're thinking, how is this virus being spread if not by bites or scratches. These zombies are too slow and weak to catch, scratch, bite, or kill anything. These zombies are not created like in the movies. Not even a pack of zombies can kill even a defenseless baby. Their jaws and nails are to weak to break flesh. However they still crave flesh so they will lick and drool on people.

One minor way the virus is spread is from zombie drool, especially on sleeping humans. Zombies never sleep and therefore take advantage of the fact that humans do. It is theorized that zombies see the mouth as a hole in humans' heads that lead to the brains. Zombies have been observed trying to reach the brains through the mouth of sleeping people. In doing this, The zombie drools inside the mouth of humans. Zombies are starving. But their hunger pains will never kill them. They never get to eat, so they constantly hunger, salivate, and foam at the mouth in large quantities like an emaciated neglected puppy. Since there is blood in the zombie's saliva, this exchange of fluids is enough to infect a human that has open cuts in their mouth.

The major way that the virus spreads is through horny young boys, perverts, and desperate women. This horny group of people known collectively as denecrophiliacs rape zombies to fulfill their perverted desires. At the beginning of the outbreak, many of these denecrophiliacs didn't use protection figuring “what can I get from something that is dead.” This ignorant stance spread the virus quickly. Even now, many denecrophiliacs refuse to use contraceptives like condoms because they claim that it “takes away all the feeling.” Therefore they continue to infect themselves, constantly.

When the knowledge of this behavior spread to the general public, The president and various religious leaders, like Pope Francis and Joel Osteen, spoke out to the world pleading for people to stop raping the zombies.

The President of the United States of America Barak Obama stated, “People of this great nation, It has come to our understanding that the virus continues to spread due to the obscene actions of a group of people called denecrophiliacs. Now, I will not go into detail of what exactly this group does. However, They know who they are and they know what they do, and they must stop immediately! Congress and I are working as fast as we can to outlaw this behavior, for there is no current law that addresses this activity directly. This sort of thing has never happened before. Rest assured that even withholding information of such activity from the authorities will be punishable by law. This is a serious matter that must be dealt with as quickly as possible. With the aid of this great nation we will overcome this obstacle swiftly. God bless you.”

The pope went on recorded saying, “these people [denecrophiliacs] desecrate themselves and the recently deceased in so many ways. To start with they do not let the dead rest in peace. That alone is an immense sin. Furthermore, they sodomize these abominations. Never before has the church seen such atrocities. The risen are a sign from Revelations. The dead have risen as stated in the Bible. But nowhere in the Bible is it written that people will defile the risen. These denecrophiliacs are interfering with scripture. That is heresy and blasphemy. They can't do that.”

The 3rd way new zombies are created is through breeding for personal gain. zombies are bred for slave labor but not hard manual labor. They are too week for hard labor. Instead they are used as crash-test dummies, fashion super models, as personal and gun range targets, anatomical and scientific studies, weapons testing, gambling purposes, biological warfare, and of course MythBusters experiments. Each exploitation is discussed below:

Crash-Test Dummies - Zombies are actually reenforced to emulate a healthy human when used as crash-test dummies because zombies are too frail on their own. They are squeezed into a strong wet-suit type outfit which keeps their bones from breaking so easily. The suit only makes them as resilient as a human would be. Surprisingly, the cost of a zombie is significantly less than a dummy. Auto testing companies have saved 100's of thousands of dollars through zombies.

Fashion Super Models - Fashion designers love the bone structure and slenderness of zombies. They have almost completely replaced living runway models. Only recently created zombies are used for this purpose. Small pieces of meat are suspended from the ceiling and used to guide the zombies around the stage. Since they move so slow, a new trend started called Slow-Motion Fashion Shows. Living models try to mimic zombie movements and pass as undead but it never works and they never get hired. On top of being thinner than living models, zombies require no compensation for their work. An O-zone generator and hospital grade Hollister m9 Odor Eliminator Spray in large quantities is used to mask the smell of the zombies. Make-up and wigs easily cover the unsightly rotted appearance of the zombies. Often, living humans are seen hitting on and attempting to mate with zombies when made-up as models. This adds to the denecrophiliac viral spreading concern mentioned above.

Scientific Test Subjects - Scientist have encountered less protests from animal rights groups since they started using zombies in their research experiments instead of animals. However, now exists the emerging activist group known as, PETZ - (more on them later). Zombies retain their human genetic properties and most experiments mirror the reactions of living humans. This has led to vast advancements and accelerated completion of research endeavors. However, experiments involving the circulatory system, cell growth, and those requiring verbal feedback are not subjected to zombies due to obvious implications.

Moving Targets " A market has developed in using zombies for target practice. Gun aficionados, thrill seekers, military personnel, law enforcement, and the likes have used zombies in this manner. Many gun ranges offer zombie targets at a premium rate. Many people farm or purchase zombies for home use in this manner.

Weapons Testing " This exploit has turned into a spectator sport called WeaponZ presented by NOZE, The National Organization of Zombie Entertainment. Blast-shield arenas have been constructed in every major city. Patrons pay to both see new military weaponry in action as well as get entertained from watching zombies get blown up, shot up, shocked, burnt, corroded, and blasted to smithereens.

Casino Games - In every casino, an area was opened for placing bets on zombies. Customers bid on which zombie will be killed last. The game is called “uZi-20”. 20 zombies are placed in a circular room encased with bullet-proof glass. The ceiling of the room has a very large metal fan. The fan is modified with an Uzi-Pro sub-machine gun (with 100 round magazine) attached to one of the blades. The fan spins at a slow uniform speed. Then the gun opens fire. A mechanism oscillates the gun in and out as it turns on the fan blade so the the entire area receives bullets. This is to ensure that the zombies are shot no matter where they are in the room. The gun is set to select fire with a slow fire rate of approximately 1 round per second. This is to ensure the spectacle doesn't end too quickly. The zombies have a number (1-20) attached to their back. The last zombie killed is the winning number. A zombie is not considered dead until it stops moving completely. If all zombies are not killed when the magazine empties, the gun is reloaded and fired again.

Replacing Buster - The MythBusters have seen a large rise in ratings since they retired Buster and replaced him with zombies for use in myth busting experiments. Audiences tune in week after week to see zombies get dropped from high places, drilled into, dipped in lava, divided into star shapes, shot, shocked, smashed, squished, sanded, set on bombs, blown up, burnt, bag piped, poured acid upon, peed on, pooped on, and that's just what they did to one of the zombies. Many myths have been made-up by viewers just to see the zombies do new things. For example, a myth that zombies couldn't kill anything, even if they were given razor sharp teeth and claws. The MythBusters responded by sharpening several zombies' teeth using dental mouth openers and fine files. They also gave these zombies functional gloves with razor sharp claws attached. They tried different variations, several teeth sharpening techniques and tooth shapes including triangular, flat and sharp, curved, serrated, as well as different hand claws including Freddy Kruger, Wolverine, and Edward Scissorhands style claws. The conclusion was myth busted. The zombies were easily able to tear apart recently slaughtered whole pigs when outfitted with these modifications. It was found that all variations turned the zombies into killers. They showed how easily zombies could be turned into lethal killing machines. The military took special interest in this episode, which lead to zombies becoming biological weapons outfitted with similar killing gear and kamikaze bombs.

The high demand of zombies has propelled a black market of infecting recently deceased people that died of non-zombie related methods. Gravediggers steal bodies from freshly covered burials in cemeteries to infect them. People began opting for cremation due to this uprising. To circumvent cremations, the black market bends laws to legally make organ donors into zombies when they die. As a result of this black market, there is an overflow of zombies in major cities. Often, farmers, traders, and clients lose zombies leaving many zombies to run wild. It is estimated that there is an average of 3,000 free roaming zombies in each major city. The numbers keep growing. It has become a minor problem in urban areas. They stumble around bothering everyone they encounter. That is why the government lets people kill zombies for fun. It serves as population control.

Currently there are no laws protecting the rights of zombies. Zombies can be killed without penalty. As a result of this, world-wide crime rates have gone down. Since people are able to take their primal aggressions out on zombies without a fear of law, they tend to keep from committing violent acts upon living people.

The only law pertaining to zombies in the works is the above mentioned Anti-Denecrophilia Act. However, zombie rights activists have banded together to demand basic civil rights for all zombies. The activist group is called PETZ, People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies. They claim that zombies have feelings and can sense pain and feel sadness. These activist also proclaim that "zombies carry deep inside themselves who they were before they turned. When a cure is found they'll be able to return to being who they once were." However, these are wild claims with no scientific evidence to back them up. These theories are purely based on their beliefs and nothing more. Numerous scientific studies have concluded that zombies don't have the brain function to feel pain, empathy, or sorrow. However no studies have been able to prove whether or not the living memories of the host are retained after an individual is infected. 4 out of 5 neurologists concede that the brain is damaged beyond recognition and beyond reconstruction after 3 days of infection.

Despite the scientific proof that goes contrary to the doctrine of PETZ, their beliefs and philosophies were maintained and presented in the case, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies vs. The State of Texas.

An excerpt of a translated stenographers transcription goes as follows:

Judge Schneider: PETZ founder, plaintiff Anne Paltrow, you will be representing your group which fight for zombie civil rights claiming that they are living creatures and have feelings. You propose banning activities that “exploit” zombies such as the zombie black market, uZi-20, and WeaponZ.

Paltrow: Yes your honor, they are alive and retain their humanity locked inside themselves. They are just waiting for a cure.

Attorney Allen McCoy, (Representative of the State of Texas): No they are not alive your honor, they are undead.

Paltrow: Right they're undead, meaning not dead.

McCoy: That is not the meaning of the word. And no, they don't feel pain, observe exhibit A, *A male zombie*

*McCoy kicks the zombie with almost cartoonish force in the testicles, to which the zombie has no reaction.*

Paltrow: Objection your honor, that is unnecessary behavior and abuse!

Judge: Sustained, The defendant obviously has a point to this.

McCoy: Yes I do your honor, may the jury note that this zombie did not even blink or wince when subjected the type of kick that would render a living man helpless and possibly sterile.

*The defendant then proceeds to implement more traditional methods of testing brain stem death such as the Caloric reflex test (Squirting water in the ear canal) and the Vestibulo-ocular reflex AKA doll eye reflex. These tests resulted in negative responses showing that zombies are clinically dead.

Paltrow: But the very term “undead” implies that they are not dead, “un-”=not “-dead.” They are alive because they are undead. If something is not dead than it is alive.

McCoy: So a rock is alive because it is not dead. What kind of reasoning is that? No, no, they are undead because they are not alive but they are not the tradition meaning of dead either, so they are undead.

Paltrow: So why not call them the “unliving.”

McCoy: Because that implies that they are dead.

Paltrow: Now you see my side of the argument. They move around and want to eat like something living.

McCoy: but they're not alive!

Paltrow: That depends on your definition of the word living. Wikipedia says that living things eat. Living things respond to their environment, seek sources of energy, are composed of cells, and some are mobile such as humans, reptiles, and yes zombies. This is 4 characteristics that zombies share with what is scientifically established to be traits of living entities.

McCoy: But they are clinically dead as demonstrated in exhibit A.

Paltrow: That's not true, they have some brain activity.

McCoy: Yea, their brain tells them to slobber all over me and TRY to eat me. They are troublemakers! Numerous doctors and neurologists have confirmed that zombies are clinically dead and would never be able to revert to who they once were. If they were in a hospital with that kind of brain activity they would be deemed deceased, toe tagged, and sent to the freezers.

Paltrow: But the term we use “undead” means they are NOT DEAD!

McCoy: Oh here we go again.

*The debate of the meaning of the word “undead” continues awkwardly for several more pages.*

*Concluding the trial, the Judge rules in favor of the State of Texas and grants zombies no civil rights.*

This case received much media coverage. Many celebrities formed groups on opposing sides, those supporting zombies civil rights and those against it. During an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher several high profile celebrities discussed the difference between the words “zombiephile” and “denecrophilia.” The episode featured Samuel L. Jackson, Louie CK, Bill Cosby , Bjork, Zooey Deschanel, and Morgan Freeman. Jackson, CK, and Cosby expressed favor to not give zombies civil rights while Bjork, Deschanel, and Freeman were for zombie civil rights. A transcribed excerpt from this show is as follows:

Bill Maher: Good evening everyone, I'm Bill Maher and today I'm joined by a few pro zombie civil rights guests, Zooey Deschanel, Bjork, and Morgan Freeman. We are also joined by a some guests who are against the whole thing, Samuel L. Jackson, Louie CK, and Bill Cosby. OK, We're going to start off the show by first defining the terms “zombiephile” and “denecrophilia” just to clear up the meaning of these words for our audience. We feel that the topic of zombie civil rights pertain to these terms quite a bit, so Zooey can you start us out by telling the audience what you think of zombiephiles.

Zooey Deschanel: Right heeumm, well I was just saying backstage that I'm a zombiephile, haha. Now hold up hold up, before you start judging me let me first explain what that is, jeez people. Zombiephiles are simply very fond of zombie culture. Zombiephiles love zombie movies, zombie video games, zombie novels, and things of this nature. Some even like to dress up as zombies especially for Halloween and Zombie Walks, which are public gathering of people dressed up as zombies which also raise money for global issues such as extreme poverty and world hunger, its fuuuun. Zombiephiles have NO sexual attraction to zombies unlike denecrophiliacs. OK lets just clear that up, mmmK. Denecrophiliacs are the ones that wanna do zombies ya see.

Morgan Freeman: Yes that is very true, my cousin was a denecrophiliac. He was idiotic enough to do his deed without protection and infected himself. Now he is one of them. I managed to pull some strings for him to be a model for Calvin Kline. He is one of the main reasons I ... am ... for ... Zombie rights. I guarantee anyone here that if they had a loved one infected, they would also want rights for them. I just want him to have the most pleasant afterlife he can have on this earth. He's contributing to society more now than when he was alive. I just wish he could have rights as well ... soon ... and...

Louie CK: Wow I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Freeman. But wouldn't you prefer that he just rest in piece, you know, not animated, buried in a grave where you could visit him without him trying to lick your beautiful face off.

Samuel L. Jackson: Yea man, that would be the most humane thing to do to these muthafukaz. We just need to kill all of them. Put them out they misery. I'm sick of bein' followed by these muthafukaz. It ain't enough that I gotta worry 'bout the paparazzi. Now I gotta make sure these f***s don't slobber all over my new alligator shoes. I say kill 'em all. Shoot them in they f****n' head, end of story!

Bjork: Now det's bery extrrreme Mr. Jackson. Don't yhe kno' det everrrysing deserrrrves rrrights. Everrrysing is alive. Everrrysing is beautiful.

Jackson: Yea huh! Blowing a hole in they muthafuckin head is beautiful too, believe that huh.

Bjork: As muuuch as I woold love to rrrecorrrd det an' puut it oun my next albuum, I woold't want to harrrm a livin' crrreature.

Bill Cosby: Ohhhhhnow here we go again with the living thing nonsense. TheyyYyyYYyy are NOT ... alive! Doctors, scientists, neurologists have all confirmed this to be true, humm!

Bjork: Yee I woold love an' cherrrish one like I do my beloved tiny adorrrable birrd drrropings oun my back porrrch. I feed my birrrd drrroping kisses an' play my rrrecords for Dem. Dey love my Vesperrrtine albuum the best.

Deschanel: Sweetie shhhh *Weeuweeu! (imitating the sound of a police siren), your not helping our cause with comments like that OK!

Bjork: I jest want everrryone to kno' det all is full of love, someting imporrrtent is about to happen, rrrelentlessly crrraving wanderlust.

Jackson: “Wonder lust!,” b***h are you tryin'na say you lust after these things?! I think she's tryin'na say that she's a f****n' denecrophiliac muthafuka. Security! Take this crazy b***h to jail. She's a zombie f****r.

Bjork: No! I'm knot a zombiee fuckerrr Srrr. I swearrr, oi'm jest rrrelaying 'ow muuch I carrre fer all tings. I sing fer dem.

Jackson: Sing it to the ground b***h. I've had enough of this b***h. Take her a*s away.

*Security drags her away face down as she sings gibberish amphigories*

Jackson: Crazy a*s weird b***h.

CK: Huh huh, yea crazy weird b***h.

*Jackson looks at CK with anger and disgust, CK looks down with fear and shame

Deschanel: Oh great! Now everyone's gonna think we're allcrazylikethat, gahh.

Freeman: I don't think anyone would think I'm crazy like that. You ... [Zooey] on the other hand ... should be careful.

Cosby: Now ya see that right thereEeEeEe. That's why zombie civil rights won't PASsss. There's no unity amongst the advocates themselves'ah.

Maher: OK OK, lets just get back to the topic at hand. Lets talk a little more about denecrophiliacs.

Freeman: Well ... it is to my understanding that denecrophiliacs sometimes start out as zombiephiles. Various situations can cause a zombiephile to crossover to denecrophilia. For example, if a zombiephile were to meet a real zombie that looks similar to a living person that the zombiephile is sexually attracted to, ... that zombiephile would likely develop denecrophiliac ... proclivities toward ... the zombie in question. In the mind of the zombiephile ... he or she could reason that the zombie is not a zombie at all but rather a living person ... cosplaying as a zombie. Because zombiephiles often dress up as zombies for fun ... as previously stated by Miss Deschanel...

Deschanel: Alright Ijustwannago on record andsayIdon't fall into Morgan's category, OK.

Freeman: I was not pointing any fingers miss.

Deschanel: Well some... sometimes a person doesn't have to be a zombiephile to become a denecrophiliac. Most of time people become denecrophiliacs when their lover dies and becomes a zombie. That person often continues to desire to have sex with their now undead lover. I read that in a small percentage of these cases, the living partner will make sure that their recently dead partner will regenerate by purposely infecting their partner posthumously. They do this because the virus slows down decomposition. I think it's kinda sweet to love someone that much. In a way it's romantic.

Jackson: Yea you like that huh. People f****n' zombies. You better watch what you say.

Deschanel: Don't get me wrong. I just think it's nice that someone would go through that trouble you know. Take that risk for someone they love.

Jackson: Yea right, you better be careful b***h. I'm watching you.

CK: Yea... … well... ... usually necrophiliacs are not also denecrophiliacs. Most people just assume that they would be. Necrophiliacs don't want to have sex with zombies because most necrophiliacs are interested in sex with dead people because they want a sexual partner that will not reject them. Zombies don't want to be fucked you see. So of course zombies will reject delicately, these necrophiliacs. That's not what necrophiliacs want. They wanna f**k something that won't resist.

Cosby: I see your point I didn't know that about necrophiliacs. Thank you for informing us.

CK: (smiles proudly) You're welcome

Cosby: You know then we have these perverted denecrophiles. These are simply people that are so perverted that they will have sex with a zombie simply because they are horny and want to have sex with anything. This is usually the type of person that might have sex with either dolls, other inanimate objects, and/or sexually abuse animals, children, the mentally ill, or all of the above. These are the type of people that the Anti-denecrophilia Act will target.

Jackson: these sick muthafukas need to be locked up or killed, ain't no way around it.

CK: Yea sick f***s huh

*Jackson looks at CK with anger and disgust, CK looks down with fear and shame

Maher: I think it would be interesting if we discussed a hypothetical situation of what would happen if this virus made people the vicious horror movie zombies that elicit fear and panic. What say you Zooey?

Deschanel: Well you know I think it's funny how in most zombie films, the lead female characters appear kept, made-up, long hair-dos, shaved, pretty. In actuality, in this hypothetical killer zombie apocalypse scenario, women would lose all their luxuries like hair irons, blow driers, beauty products, hair and nail salons, tampons, sexy clothes, make-up, perfume etc. So the traditional made-up beauty queen types would be nonexistent. However, strong women would adapt and would cut their hair and nails very short for survival purposes. Long hair is easy for a zombie to grab and long nails make climbing and using weapons impossible. Extremely feminine women, you know girly girls, will be long dead due to their inability to toughen up, weak physic, slow speed, and unwillingness to cut their hair and nails. Therefore, most females will look rather butch to these modern men. Only natural beauties will be attractive to picky men. So basically women will look like men. I think many men, especially metrosexuals and men on the fence, will become homosexuals due to this. They'll figure, “Why deal with womens' personalities and nagging when they look and smell like my best mate, might as well have sex with my best mate.”

CK: Wow that's quite an imagination you have Zooey. Where do you think you'd fit it there

Deschanel: I would definitely cut my hair and nails and toughen up to survive. And I don't care if I'll look ugly to the men. I'm sure I'll find someone to love me.

Jackson: Yea like your romantic zombie, huh.

*Guests and crew snicker quietly

Deschanel: Hey! I didn't mean that the zombie was romantic! *Shakes her head

CK: Well I can just imagine this taking place a lot. OK imagine a couple arguing about whether or not to have a child in this zombie infested world. She would say “I want to take fertility pills, I want a child." He would say, “I don't want one. It's too dangerous.” She'll say, “well I do and I'm taking these pills.” Then he'll say, “well then you better hope your uterus is in your a*****e 'cause that's the only place my dick's going from now on.”

*Guests and crew laugh out loud

CK: Or your mouth, I'll f**k your mouth too.  I hope those are tonsils and not ovaries. *smiles proudly, end segment

These type of public discussions with celebrities caused some people to take sides with their favorite celebrities not because they agreed with the ideas of any given celebrity but simply because they like said celebrity. These mindless individuals would hang off of every word their celebrity said and follow them to the ends of the earth. One in particular celebrity, Oprah Winfrey, changed her mind from for zombie civil rights to against just because a runway model zombie slobbered on her dog at a fashion show. And wouldn't you know, all her fans changed their minds at the same time as she. She and her fans of course received much ridicule from the media and was the butt end of many comedians' jokes as a result. They were dubbed The Cult of Oprah.

And so the world carries on like this going about its life laughing away at this minor inconvenience known as zombies. No one takes zombies serious. Some people see them as a joke, some as a nuisance, others see them as target practice, and others see them as sex toys. None see them as any major problem. But what the world doesn't know is that an extraordinary chain of events is unfolding quietly somewhere in southern Nebraska. Since there are no laws against the zombie black market and since zombies have no civil right whatsoever, a man feeds his twisted desires to the max day in and day out. This man is living an upper middle class life without having to work for it thanks to his inheritance money. His lack of employment allows him all the time in the world to fulfill his perverted pleasures. A new breed of sick was born in this man. Just staring into his lazy eye for long enough will tell you that there is something very wicked about him. Since he doesn't work, he doesn't socialize with anyone. He doesn't ever go out. He doesn't have to. He has a small farm with pigs, chicken, fruits, and vegetables which provide him with all the sustenance he needs. He lives a self-sufficient self-contained existence. He has no friends. All of his family is dead. He lives in a secluded rural area with his closest neighbor being 14 miles away. He rarely bathes or grooms himself. His clothes hang off of him smelling of the foulest hygiene. He leaves unfinished food to rot all over his house. The cockroaches are his only housemates. His dogs are sometimes allowed in the house to accompany him. His dogs are his only real friends in the world. He lives with three male rottweilers, Butch Cerberus, Kletis Cerberus, and Grimm Cerberus. This man's name is Austin B. Stroker.

As mentioned before, Stroker has a farm. This farm also includes zombie farming. Although, he would use zombies for deeds no one else has ever used them for. This sick b*****d not only rapes these zombies, he has trained his dogs to rape them as well. He's into that s**t. He likes to watch.

On one particular day, Stroker prepares a special event, an interspecies denecrophiliac homosexual orgy. Today is a particularly special day for Stroker. Up until this day, Stroker has never used his first zombie, which he named Spud, for sexual adventures. He has only used Spud for the purpose of farming more zombies. Spud is the only zombie that Stroker has ever paid for. One could say that Spud is special to Stroker. One could say that Stroker has been saving Spud for a special occasion. Well this day just so happens to be Stroker's 40th birthday and this macabre orgy is just what he wants for his birthday.

Stroker has a ritual of lighting about 20 to 30 candles in the basement of his house for ambiance and for dripping hot wax on himself. On the walls and wooden columns of this warehouse style basement hang various dominance/submission and sadomasochist paraphernalia like paddles, chains, handcuffs, a whip with a d***o for a handle, zip-up leather gimp masks and body suits, d****s ranging from normal to outrageously large in size, mouth gags, bondage rope, a club with a d***o on the end of it, A strap on with a knife instead of a d***o, regular cutting knives, razors etc. Next to his “tools,” hang prints of the more sexually perverse works from the artists Francisco de Goya, H.R. Giger, Salvador Dali, The Chapman Brothers, Joel-Peter Witkin, and David Camacho for decor. He turns on a projector to display his favorite childhood film Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. He then powers on his stereo to blast a playlist of 80's hits in the background. From the ceiling hang shackles on chains, sex swings, large butcher hooks (some have slaughtered pigs on them), and buckets full of pig's blood which he uses for splashing around and as lubricant. He has been saving drained blood from pigs slaughtered for food for months in freezers. The blood is nearly thawed. It is almost time to start.

He leads Spud, 2 other zombies, and his dogs into the basement to complete his birthday wishes. He wastes no time. There's no foreplay, no warm up. He orders Butch and Kletis to mount the 2 nameless zombies, while he and Grimm watch for a while. Stroker tells Grimm that he's saving Spud for himself, “you can't have 'em 'til I get to 'em first ya hear” and slaps Grimm on the top of his nose. Stroker checks the buckets to see how much the blood is thawed. “Ah yea it's ready” he says. He puts his condom on so he doesn't get infected and rubs the pigs blood on his penis and all over Spud. He has his way with him. No more details are necessary. One could imagine the sick horrors happening. A sane individual won't want to imagine. But a basic understanding is needed for this report to progress. Stroker finishes with Spud. He then orders Grimm to rape Spud while Stoker watches. Suddenly, Stroker notices that his penis is bleeding. It was hard for him to tell on the count of all the pigs blood. Then he notices that his condom has a small tear in it. Stroker starts panicking. “Oh f**k, OH F**K! No this isn't happening, F**K! I must of mouth fucked Spud too hard. I knew I should have knocked out his f*****g teeth.” Stroker grabs a club off the wall and starts beating Spud, “You m**********r, damn you, you son of a b***h!” He breaks several of Spuds bones, not that it hurt him. Stroker knows that Spud infected him and now Stroker is just taking out his aggression on Spud to no avail. Spud can no longer walk as his legs are broken in multiple places. It seems that the end is coming for spud. Eventually Stroker is going to get carried away and smash Spud's head in.

But what Stroker doesn't know is from where Spud came from originally. Spud came from being dug out of the sand of a Galveston beach. Yes my humble readers, Spud is patient zero AKA Antonio Vacanti. The 1st zombie ever created. Antonio has had one hell of a life and an even more interesting afterlife. From created in a lab to losing his parents, Lindsey and Owen, from orphanage to insane asylum, from "attacking" Lichelle Rodriguez unsuccessfully to sold by the zombie black market, and finally held at the whim of a mad man, Austin B. Stroker. After all this, Antonio AKA Spud is still kicking and being taken advantage of. And he carries with him the blueprint of the Vacanti virus. Like Lindsey Vacanti, Stroker has no idea what is going to happen. All this filth that is Stroker has exposed Antonio to conditions of a cesspool of chemicals, viruses, bacteria, fungi, and various other unsanitary stimuli. This combination of filth and the Vacanti virus has now infected Stroker. And the dogs sense it. You see the dogs were trained to regard zombies as b*****s. To the dogs, at this very moment, Stroker is nothing more than a b***h to them. A b***h that's going to be fucked. Stroker has not yet turned but he is definitely infected. That is all the dogs understand. That is all the dogs sense. Stroker is no longer their master. The dogs have no master. They need no one to tell them to rape Stroker, Which is precisely what they will do.

It is important to note at this time that when the Vacanti virus first enters a new host it has a short lived rapid burst of multiplication. It is also important to remind that originally the virus only affected humans. That is until this orgy happened. The level of filth, the fact that patient zero's virus blueprint infected Stroker, and the rapid burst of virus multiplication allowed the dogs to get infected. To clarify, the dogs exchanged bodily fluids with Stroker during the rapid burst of multiplication allowing the virus to rapidly multiply in the dogs. So now the dogs are infected with the virus. And they turn almost immediately, before even Stroker turns. These zombie dogs are not slow and weak like their human counterparts. No, they were passed down some of the human genes carried in the virus. These dogs in particular are not implanted with human intelligence. However, the dogs escape the Stroker residence and find female wolfs roaming. The Cerberus family make pups with these wolfs and the pups that are born are a miraculous execration. The pups are human/dog/wolf hybrid zombies. They grow and infect other dogs and wolfs granting them the same attributes. A growing army of vicious, intelligent, swift, super strong zombie beasts brew in this rural area, spreading outward soon to reach the populace.

Soon every window in America will display a scene of rabid fast, intelligent zombie monsters tearing apart every living thing encountered. It is safe to assume that the zombie beasts will be able to infect the surviving humans they bite. It is still unknown if other animals will be able to be infected. There is no telling what traits will be passed down from the zombie beast onto human hosts. I will not continue to report this aftermath or the nature of humans infected by the zombie beasts. For at this moment I sit in the center of my boarded up house waiting until I hear my walls come down and see the look in their eyes as my fears begin to fade recalling that I have a gun to point at my head. I will not become them and they will not eat me alive.  I will not b takin aliv i wll nat trn no       no       nnbbbbrainsssssss   

Author's Note

Please let me know of any grammatical errors. I would enjoy criticism on how to improve this work. Thank you in advance