Priva-see chapter 5

Too loud. Too explicit. When I realized that I couldn’t handle Scar’s sex noises anymore, I went out to see an Adam Sandler movie. The theatre was lightly packed. I chose the front seat because middle seats were for friends and lovers, and back seats were for drug dealers and masturbators. I was a loner. I chose the front seat.

Five minutes in and this disruptive a*****e came in and called out to his friends.

“Hey! Joe! Liz! How long is this movie?” he yelled out to his friends.

“What are you watching?” he asked again.

“Am I being annoying?”

 

Ok, I’d had enough.

“Why don’t you F**K OFF this planet, and get fingered by ET, you inconsiderate dick muncher.” I yelled at the top of my lungs, rupturing my thorax in the process. I surprised myself. I didn’t normally allow myself to get emotional on a Wednesday. I felt like I violated a rule or something. The Dick Muncher wasn’t amused, he stalked toward me like a vengeful lion. Please don’t fight me, I pleaded in my mind, I’ve midget arms.

“Stop being a dick muncher and f**k off.” Came a voice from my right. I turned and saw a beautiful Middle Eastern girl sitting by herself. I particularly loved her accent when she said “f**k off”.

“Yeah, get out of here.” another audience member chimed in.

I couldn’t believe it. I actually managed to get people rallied behind something. I felt like a winner for a moment. Sensing defeat, Dick Muncher kicked my seat before skipping out of the theatre. The audience let out a collective sigh of relief.

Throughout the whole movie, my eyes were fixated on the Middle Eastern girl.

 

 

After the movie ended, I went up to her and introduced myself.

“Hi, I am Kingsley. Thanks for backing me up.”

“No problem.” She put on her leather jacket and headed for the exit. I threw myself in front of her.

“What’s your name? I should at least know the name of the woman who saves my life.”

I was making myself too obvious. I hated it when I did that.

“You are a drama queen. He was just an a*****e, nothing more.”

“Hey, you never know. Hate crimes against minorities are on the rise.”

Smooth, Kingsley. Real smooth.

As expected, she did not know how to answer that. Her mouth was agape, but there was no hatred in her eyes.

“Call me Habbi.”

“Can I treat you to dinner?”

 

We ended up in a Five Guys. She got herself a vegetarian burger. I wonder whether or not she was a vegetarian, or I just picked a terrible spot to treat a Middle Eastern girl.

“Do you often see movies alone?” I asked.

“No, none of my friends want to see an Adam Sandler movie.”

“Oh, yeah. He is an Auteur. He is too unconventional for most people.”

“What’s your favorite movie from him?”

“Jack and Jill,” I answered easily, “I thought that film explored some very relevant social issues.”

“That’s everyone’s favorite! Doesn’t count. Name another one.”

“Well, I love Grown up 2.”

“Oh my God, I just saw that last week. It was hilarious!”

“You know what I really want? I want to see a collaboration between Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler.”

Habbi immediately rejected the idea.

“Rogen is a sellout. Sandler actually has dignity. That would never happen. It would be unholy. It would be an affront to God. F**k that idea.”

“You know, I really love it when you say ‘f**k’. I love your accent. I think it’s beautiful. I loved it when you said ‘f**k off’ to that gentleman in the theatre. Say it again. Say ‘f**k off’ again.”

“F**K OFF.” She said adorably.

“Music.” I declared.

“F**K OFF.” She said again.

            “Still got it.”

            She took my ear and dragged it to her lips. With one seductive breath she whispered,

            “F**k me.”

            Under the table she squeezed on my mayonnaise packet unreasonably hard.

           

I woke up disheveled in my bed. Habbi was not beside me, but I heard brushing noises in the bathroom. I scratched my penis and stared at the ceiling for a while. Then I went over to the bathroom.

I was surprised to see her naked in my bathroom. My eyes feasted on her round breasts, skinny waist and darkened n*****s. She looked wonderful and I wanted to have her again. I had a feeling she wouldn’t mind. She looked comfortable in my environment- too comfortable. She was using my toothbrush like it was the most natural thing in the world.

 “Why do you have that look on your face?” she asked of me.

“My face is perpetually scowling. Don’t mind me.”

“Is it because I am using your toothbrush, after I sucked your dick?”

“No, of course not.”

After she was done with my toothbrush, I put it in the bath and poured mouthwash on it. Scar, my roommate, gave a surprised yell when he saw Habbi naked in the hallway.

“Good job.” Scar congratulated me as I was brushing my teeth.

“If you make a move on her I will skin you and then increase your f*****g rent.”

“Geez, I was just being a friend. What a f*****g a*****e.” Said he, as he did a poop right next to me.

I made Habbi Captain Crunch, and the three of us ate awkwardly at the table. After a minute, Scar broke the silence.

“So, what do you see in my cousin?”

I almost choked. I was pretty sure a trail of milk just travelled down my nostril. My companions were just too respectful to call attention to it. I really wanted to hear what Habbi had to say.

“Well, he seemed nice. Lousy in bed but I like how hard he tries.”

I beamed. But my face darkened when I saw the sultry smiles they exchanged. I felt excluded. I felt like a stranger among friends.

 

“What do you think of her?” I asked Scar after Habbi left.

“Oh, she is just the best. Confident. Funny. Her b***s,” said Scar fondly, “I like her. In fact, I am going to my room right now to jack off to her, while the memory is still fresh.”

“I mean what I said, Scar. If you make a move on her, I will f*****g skin you.”

“And then raise my rent, I get it.”

“I am not joking.”

“Jesus Christ, there are plenty of girls out there. Why would I go for the same girl you are seeing? I am a dick muncher, but I have never done you wrong. Relax, a*****e.”

Scar was a bro, of course. But the feeling of mistrust persisted.

 

I saw Habbi again a week later, this time to run in a marathon- Breast cancer, to be specific. I wanted to show Habbi that I didn’t just love her plump breasts, but that I cared for their wellbeing deeply as well.

“I am not great at running, just a headup.” Habbi said, “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Darling, I am the disappointment game champion.”

“Kingsley!” cried an excited voice.

A familiar figure approached me. Stephaney, my bio classmate. Two-faced and highly unlikable. How I managed to run into her in a city of 8.4 millions people defiled statistics. NYV just loved to betray me.

“I never would have thought to see you here! Is that your girlfriend? Hi, I am Stephaney! Kingsley! Didn’t you say you would never do anything for free, and that if a homeless man wanted your money, he would have to pry it out of your dead feelingless fingers? Fancy seeing you here! Doing goods at last!”

“Yeah, I have a different perspective on things now. I am running to protect the two most beautiful things in the world: b***s and my girlfriend.”

“Aw, that is too sweet.” Habbi leaned in to give me a kiss.

“You also trolled my post on the wage gap issue. Remember that, haha?” Stephaney made one last desperate attempt to tear at me, but at that point, we were no longer paying her any mind.

After the marathon we hanged out at a Children park. Christ, even the little boys recognized how hot Habbi was. The boy with the hunchback straightened up just to see my girlfriend better. Male runners from the marathon passed by us and whistled. Habbi wore a smug smile on her face. She loved the attention. A dark thought entered my head. How was this relationship going to work? How was I supposed to keep a girl like her? Was she playing me for a fool? What did she see in me anyway? My imaginative mind unmade me.

 

Later that night, Scar brought a lady friend home. He turned on the light and was shocked to find me sitting silently in the living room. His lady friend let out an unnatural scream.

“What’s wrong, Kingsley? You alright?” asked Scar.

“Habbi and I are over. I sabotaged the relationship.” I said candidly.

“If you need me I will be in my room,” he then added, “Gemma here is a psychology major, if you want to talk.”

Gemma gave a hearty nod. Sweet girl.