Priva-see chapter 1

A self obsessed man decides to upload his entire life onto the Internet and gives it a sitcom treatment. Each chapter deals with our main character trying to find the humor in his irrelevant life.

Today required my best polo and jeans, for today was a special day. Roberta’s at 6. Don’t be late. I look at myself in the mirror. My effort paid off. I looked like a normal person. Well, a normal person who filmed every waking moment of his life anyway. We all have our quirks.

Scar, my cousin, was watching a children anime on the sofa.

“Kids animes nowadays are totally s**t,” bemoaned the grown man, “I mean, they were so much better when we were kids. Remember Beyblades, Dragonball Z and Yu-Gi-Oh? I think I still have my Blue Eyed White dragon card. So great.”

Scar never had a problem with being filmed, even when he was half-naked. He had a great physique due to all the workouts he did- apparently the only thing he was good at.

“Oh my God, the power of friendship is like nukes in this anime,” he complained; it had never occurred to him that he could just change the channel, “how’s it responsible to teach kids to rely on other people? Who wrote this s**t?”

I had no intention of spending the entire Saturday afternoon discussing children animes with Scar, so I merely ignored him.

“Get me Ben and Jerry on your way home, ok?”

“What flavor?”

“Pistachios.”

He liked pistachios. I made a mental note. If my cousin ever did something so spectacular stupid that he ended up on national television, I would be sure to tell the interviewer that “he likes pistachios.”

The interviewer would be so confused. It could be our inside joke.

 

My associates were already waiting for me at the Pizzeria. They looked so different outside of the H&M dress code; they looked like actual, dignified human beings. Tony’s girlfriend brought an extra friend along, and Tony was eager to introduce her to me.

“I know you liked the pixie girl type,” Tony whispered; his breath reeked of cigarette and ketchup, “don’t screw this up, ok? Sarah and I think you two would look really cute together. She liked Chinese guys too. Treat this like an extraction mission. Absolute precision.”

“Like Boko Haram.” I remarked.

“Boko what?”

“Extremist group. They kidnap women.”

“I don’t know the exact stats, but people don’t normally bring up Boko Haram in their first date conversation, do they?”

“No, they don’t. I am sorry.”

“If someone talks about extremist group on our first date, I don’t think, ‘what a worldly guy.’ No,” said Tony sternly, “I don’t give him my real number.”

“What did you talk about on your first date with Sarah?”

“Movies and other cute things.”

“I can talk about those.”

“Make me proud kiddo. Be confident. Chin up.”

 

Tony was my supervisor at H&M. He was only one year older than me, but saw himself as my mentor. He liked to force himself into everyone’s life.

 

“Hi, I am Kale. Nice to meet you.” said the dark haired girl with hazel eyes.

My body let out an involuntary laugh. What an outstandingly stupid name! I had to slap myself back to decency.

“I am Kingsley. Sorry, I just watched a funny move.” I lied.

“Which one?” she inquired.

“I forget the name. It stars a Black guy.”

“Kevin Hart? Chris Tucker? Eddie Murphy?”

“You won’t know it,” I defaulted to my usual lie, “it’s a Chinese production.”
            “A Chinese comedy, starring a Black man?”

Tony saw that our conversation wasn’t going well and decided to interject.

“Kingsley likes to film everything. He is an ambitious guy. He wants to edit his life into an elaborate sitcom,” He pointed at my camera on the table, “that’s his camera.”

“That sounds amazing,” beamed Kale, “can I be a character in your sitcom?”

“Yeah, sure.” I nodded like a bobblehead. A recurring female character in my sitcom? Brilliant! My phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket. I groaned when I saw the caller IP:

Apocalyptic B***h

 

“Sorry, I have to take this.” I said to Kale.

“Is it your girlfriend?” teased Kale.

“No, it’s my aunt.” I said curtly.

“Oh.” Kale curled her mouth into a surprised o. She did not know how to respond to that. Neither did I. Why my aunt decided to call me out of the blue confused me too.

“Hey, aunt, what’s going on?”

“I hear voices. Where are you?” said the mousy voice.

“At a restaurant. With friends.”

“Why are you outside?”

I blushed.

“I have a life, you know. Anyway, what’s the matter?”

“I was just going over your cousin’s childhood’s stuff and I found this album full of half naked men. I find it… a little disturbing.”

This didn’t surprise me at all. Scar worshipped the idea of a perfect body. He believed that the perfect body is achievable, but no mortal man has achieved it yet. He dedicated his life to be the first man to do so. But before I could explain that to my aunt, she shrieked hysterically,

“Is he gay?”

She was so loud that my right ear bled. I moved my phone to my other ear.

“Kingsley’s aunt is crazy.” Tony explained knowingly to Sarah and Kale. He relished the fact that he knew about my personal life.

“No, aunt. Scar is probably straight.”

“Probably? What do you mean, ‘probably’.”

“My bad. Scar IS straight. He likes girls. He is normal,” I said, immediately earning scrutiny from everyone around me, “He just likes working out a lot. I don’t exactly know how I can prove this to you, but I will give it a try.”

Silence on the other end. Then she spoke.

“Put your camera in his room and get me his browser history,” she said calmly, as if they were legal things to do to another human being, “I will pay you $5,000 for your trouble.”

My ears twitched at the mention of money.

“You are paying me $5,000 to spy on your son?”

“My son is committing a sin against Jesus. This is serious. Just get it done for your poor aunt.”

I had no intention of being my miserable aunt’s spy, but I liked the idea of scamming her of her retirement money.

“Aw, man, I would love to, but my camera just broke.” I lied.

“$6,000 then. $1,000 to cover up your camera expense. I will send you the money right now.”

The call ended. I looked up and saw that my very public conversation with my crazy, homophobic aunt had caused the party to come to a halt.

“Everything alright?” asked Tony.

“I just came into the possession of a lot of unethical money. Dinner is on me!” I exclaimed triumphantly. All my associates cheered and I felt good. Not a lot of episodes where I played the good guy. But as my associates revised their orders to more expensive alternatives, I couldn’t help but pondered how would my own mom react if she ever found out the truth about Harry.