Jokus Christ

Gods joke with a darker sense of humour than most people.

Phil sat alone, back pressed intently against the blasted wall of a building.  Explosions punched the distant landscape like thunder’s fists. Dust and death hung heavily in the air. How his squad had been overwhelmed so easily, he had no idea, but he had no time to ponder now. He could cope with combat as well as the next guy, but this situation was different. He knew he was going to die. Anxious nausea rumbled in his guts. He was the only man left in the battle-crumbled neighbourhood, and the enemies were advancing, alley to alley, towards him. The alley he was in was a dead end - he knew because he had checked multiple times already - and he was beyond the point of having any hope of making a run for it.

Out of nervous compulsion, he turned his head to the right, seeing only Hell. Then he turned it to the left again, expecting just to see that same alleyway, but instead he was surprised to see Jesus Christ our saviour. A hurricane of thoughts tore at him, but none of them were simple enough to vocalize. He stared at him, aghast. He probably would have found comfort in the fact that his thoughts had been taken away from war for the moment, but the thoughts that replaced them were far too daunting for a human to analyze. He was left stupefied.

Jesus was clad in a simple white robe, tied proper at the waist by a gold-coloured rope. His hair and beard were predictably similar to every rendition of him ever made. He held his hands in prayer-formation and looked around with a calm superiority. “Hello, my faith child,” Jesus said.

“J-Jesus? Is it really you?” Phil asked. He couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Ha-ha, yes, faith child, it is I. I am Jesus Christ, your saviour.” Jesus said.

“...So, I guess I’m going to die now, aren’t I?” Phil presumed.

“Yes, Phil, you are going to die now.” Jesus confirmed.

Phil visibly blanched. Jesus saw his fear and chuckled. “Ha-ha, my son, do not fear. One will find ecstasy and unmatched comfort for eternity in the afterlife. After he or she dies, they will awaken immersed in a bed of cloud. Their worries will dissipate, and he or she will feel the joyous flood of every good feeling they have accumulated over their life. They will be reunited with every person they wish to be, and they will be able to disband everyone they wish to be without. They will feel the full pleasure of every accomplishment they have ever achieved. If it were possible to put the feeling into words, I would say it was absolute elation.”

Phil sighed with heaven-gifted relief and said, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

Jesus smiled and said, “no, it isn’t. But, dying hurts like a b***h and you’re going to Hell.”

Jesus dissolved out of existence and left Phil with his felling of torment. In heaven, Jesus gave God a high-five. God said, “Ha-ha, I can’t believe you actually did it!” as he handed Jesus a five dollar bill. “Now let’s go f**k with those idiots from Westboro Baptist Curch.”

Author's Note

Not interested in your theological concerns.

Reviews

[Woody]

this is funny!! there aren't, unfortunatelly, many humourous pieces on here.
I enjoyed the read. thanks.

[Dot]

Greetings Chris Woestenburg.

I simply must say, it is a pleasure to wake up in the early morning and to read a works that makes me smile slightly, in fact, it's something I could get used to; perhaps classed as dawn satires. This seems like the sort of thing that would be inside of an atheist magazine, accompanied with drawings reminiscent of atypical farcical cartoonist symbolism, and would entertain those who hold a certain... appreciation towards those whom they feel strongly superior towards.

As for the piece, I think it's fantastically written, and I see no concerns towards grammar, usage of language, nor content (bar the poke towards religious fundamentalists), but I feel this could perhaps be due to the length of the piece - this too is no concern, for I feel it's length is perfectly adequate towards achieving what it intends to.

Yes, I enjoyed this piece, and it seems you have a natural persuasion towards satire.

Thank you for this.

[Chris Woestenburg]

Thank you, Theo! I do enjoy writing satire and it comes natural to me due to my cynical nature, so you can expect more in the future.