Chapter 1: Ford's Way

Hired to do a job a young man runs into more than he expects.

In the woods of Ford's Way knelt a young man who was in his early twenties looking at some footprints on the ground. He was a little taller than the average person. He had blue eyes and jet black hair. The young man's name was Will Hunter. On his back was a quiver of arrows and in his hands was a longbow. Strapped to his waist was an longsword and in the center of the hilt was a blood red ruby. Running down the blade where strange symbols. In Wills belt were three long and sharp knives that he used to fight and skin his kills with.

Will was in the woods because he was on a mission. Will was, as his last name implied, the best hunter around or as his pa would say, "... the best darn hunter in these parts." Which was why he had been hired to hunt the most dangerous kind of prey. 

Having tracked the raiders to their camp he settled down to wait. He had chosen his position alongside the only trail to their camp knowing that his prey had to use the trail as it was the only easy way in and out of their camp. He had been hired by a neighboring village to find and stop some raiders who had been burning and pillaging isolated ranches and farms.

The camp was protected from the elements and offered a good view of the surroundings. His job was the stop the raiders so he figured he would do his best to take them alive but not if it meant endangering himself. So he reached back and withdrew three arrows from his quiver and laid them down right next to him where he could get to them faster. He then notched another arrow when he heard the sounds of footsteps coming down the trail. A minute later seven tall figures seemed to rise out of the shadow of the trail where the sunlight briefly glinted off of swords. When the sunlight hit the faces of the raiders, Will gasped, They aren't humans! They are Dark Elves! Will thought.

Dark Elves were magical humanoid creatures that couldn't do magic themselves since the Elves of the Light had banded together and stripped them of their power. Even though they had no magic they could still wield weapons with deadly skill. Since they were usually stronger, faster, and taller than most men they were well able to take on a single man in single combat.

I have to strike fast and hard if I am to have even the slightest chance. These guys don't know the meaning of give up or surrender. Taking careful aim at the nearest Elf he fired. Even as the arrow was leaving the bow on its way to bury itself in one of the Elf's throat, he was reaching for another arrow. Soon he had fired all of the arrows that he had laying next to him each one finding its target and dropping and Elf. The Dark Elves were taken completely by surprise but they quickly saw where the arrows were coming from and charged.

Just as they charged the sun came out of the clouds and illuminated the Elves. They looked like men except for their pointy ears. They also had exactly the same features down to their brown hair and blue eyes. Will took this all in, in a glance and thanked the sun for coming out since it illuminated his targets rather nicely. But Will was only able to drop one more with an arrow in the heart before having to drop his bow and pull his sword. Will figured he stood a good chance against only two Elves even though he wasn't a good swordsman as long as they didn't get behind him. But as he stood up to engage the Dark Elves he stumbled over a root. That saved his life as one of the Elves swung for his head at that exact moment and struck the tree where his head had just been. That was a close one. thought Will.

Will parried the next attack as one of the Dark Elves started to circle around him to attack him from behind. Damn they are tall. They have a longer reach than me! I have to get in close. Stepping in close and slashed at the Elf in front of him but the Elf easily blocked his clumsy attack and retaliated forcing Will to duck and back up to avoid getting beheaded. I can't win against them! Will realized. I have to think of something fast or I am dead! So Will frantically slashed and thrust at the Elf in front of him forcing him to retreat a little and Will quickly palmed one of his knives. Taking a chance he spun around and threw the knife at the Elf that was just about to attack him from behind. The Elf saw the knife coming at it barely in time to try to sidestep the knife but Will had anticipated that and had thrown the knife so that it would curve slightly so it buried itself in the Elf's throat anyway. Diving sideways out of the way of the last Dark Elf's retaliatory strike, he then twisted his body in midair while palming another knife. He lost his grip on his sword as he fell but still managed to throw his knife with all his strength at the remaining Elf where it buried itself in the Elf's heart.

Author's Note

Please go easy on me I am new. My chapter got posted to H.W.Kingsriter which was another account I created but hated the name and when I tried to change it, for some reason it wouldn't let me so I created a new one sorry for the mix up. I am looking forward to any helpful ideas or suggestions you have.

Reviews

[S. von Glaubitz]

First of all, when you say you are new, do you mean new to writing? If so, congratulations! Starting a book is so hard. You’re off to a great start.

I like Will. His actions strike me as very methodical, like he really knows what he’s doing: scouting out the camp, laying ready arrows beside him, etc.

I agree with Takeshi about showing, not telling. There a few ways to address this, and one of them is the narrative voice. Right now, the narrative is strongly objective. It describes Will’s physical appearance, sums up some of the action leading to the scene we’re dropping in on, and provides explanation about the Dark Elves. Each of these can be “shown” by tying the narration closer to Will’s perspective. You achieve this better by the end of the chapter, so try to use that as a guide.

Is the elf who gets the knife through his heart the last one? You could clarify this for better impact. Also, it's a little difficult to keep track of the elves during the action. Is there a way to differentiate some of them? Maybe one is clearly the leader?

The narrator states that Will had been hired to hunt the most dangerous kind of prey, so I assume he knows this, but then he is surprised to learn that they are Dark Elves.

Will is clearly adept with a bow, but then he trips over a root rather clumsily, almost comically. This feels at odds. It's ok to keep him clumsy with a sword, though. It both humanizes him and amps up the danger.

Overall, don't be afraid to take your time! Give the reader a chance to get to know Will a little bit and why he is where he is, doing what he's doing. This will give the reader more reason to care about the danger he's in. Looking forward to the next chapter!

[Redwarrior123]

Yes I meant new to the site and new to writing. I am a avid reader thou. The leader hasn't shown up yet. His surprise comes for the fact that he thought the Dark Elves were humans. Thanks for the review and please continue to follow me and help me make a better story thanks.

[Eisho Shu]

Very good work. Very descriptive with strong setting. I can see the world you imagine easily. Though there are several some pros and cons.

Your story are really well organized and the pacing are great. However, I notice you have the tendency to repeat similar words and making the sentence unnecessarily long. I will give you an example. Though I am not the best at grammar, but I can will show you how it could be written.

"Will was in the woods because he was on a mission."

"Will was in the woods due to his mission."

If you want, I can work with you on these.

[JayG]

• Please go easy on me I am new.

But now is the time to learn what the problems are, BEFORE you practice bad habits into concrete. Right?

And you’re new, so of COURSE you’re going to make mistakes. And of course the ratio of gold to crap is going to stink. That’s a given, for reasons I’ll get to in a minute. So don’t sweat it, or feel that you somehow screwed up. As Mark Twain said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”


And we all start with WHOLE lot “just ain’t so,” because we all leave school with the same basic misunderstanding: We think that because we learned how to write, and “writing is writing,” we have what we need. So if we’re lucky enough to have a bit of talent, a knack for storytelling, a good story idea, and maybe some luck...

If only.

The good news is that nothing I’m about to say has to do with you, your talent, or the story. The bad is that you are NOT going to be happy—given that you’ve worked hard on this, and were hoping to hear, at least: “It sounds like a great story idea.”

Here’s the deal: if you think about why there’s public education, it’s to prepare us to be responsible adults, in part by making us valuable to our future employer with skills THEY need—like the ability to write a report, a position paper, and letters. And the thing those skills have in common is that the goal is to inform the reader by being fact-based, and author-centric.

In other words, we learn on nonfiction writing skills. We TELL the story. But think of yourself, reading fiction. Are you seeking to be informed, or are you hoping to be entertained? Do you want to learn what happens, or be made to feel as if you’re living the story as it takes place. If it’s to be entertained, how can that be done with nonfiction writing skills?

But let’s take it a bit further, because the first trap lying in wait for the new writer is that of storytelling. We explain a story, setting the scene, describing the action, and explaining the why’s of it, and the things not made obvious by a list of, “This happened…then that happened, and after that…”

The problem with that is that storytelling is a performance art. Think of how you read this story. Your tone carries emotion. You enhance that with changes in cadence, intensity, and all the tricks of the storyteller. And as you do, your facial expression displays emotion, your hands visually punctuate, and even your body language moderates or amplifies the emotion. Were this a horror scene your goal wouldn’t be to make the reader know the protagonist is frightened, it would be to terrify the reader.

But how much of your voice and your physical acting makes it to the reader from the page? None. No voice and no vision. So while you hear the emotion in the words as you read, it’s driven by intent and knowledge of the story. The reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR background.

And that is as gentle as way I know of, of telling you that you’re working hard, but like most new writers, using the toolset you own, coupled with the skills of verbal storytelling—a set designed for a different kind of writing.

Kind if a huge whoops, I know. But it’s one pretty much everyone makes, because who’s to tell us? Everyone around us went though the same schooling. And how many of us had successful authors as teachers?

So the fix is absolute simplicity, though neither easy nor quick. All you need do is learn the skills the pros and publishers take for granted, perfect the use of them till they’re as intuitive and automatic as the schoolday skills we all learn (that’s where the not easy part comes in).

But after all, when we learn a profession we don’t expect it to be a twenty minute task. And if we’re not willing to invest a bit of time, effort, and perhaps a few dollars in our writers education, can we call ourselves serious writers?

To offset that work, is the fact that if you were meant to be a writer you’ll find that “going backstage,” is fun. And once you master a few tricks, and tell your story from the character’s viewpoint, rather than as a droning external voice (showing the story in real-time as against telling it in a voice no one can hear) you’ll see your characters come to life for you AND the reader.

I’d suggest you start in the fiction department of the local library system by devouring a few books on the subject. And the best jumping off point is a search for the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. They are pure gold, and will give you a solid grounding on the nuts-and-bolts issues of writing. As an introduction to that you might want to dig through the asrticles in the writing section of my blog for a kind of lite version of the books.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Redwarrior123]

Thank you for your comments and help. I really appreciate it. I hope you will continue to follow my story and help me improve. Thanks again for the review.

[yuriko]

Nice first chapter :) I agree Takeshi on the opening part of this chapter don't give too much on the character. Leave in a little bit of mystery so you can keep up the suspense and keep the readers guessing. What I like about this chapter is that you bring the action in right from the start and that you leave us with a cliffhanger at the end so we want to know what happens next. Looking forward to the rest

[Redwarrior123]

I like your review and appreciate your input. I enjoy cliffhangers so there will be a few in this book. I wanted to quickly catch and hold the readers attention and that is why I jump right into it.

[yuriko]

No problem :) keep at it

[Takeshi Yamada]

Hello Redwarrior! Happy to see you've posted something. Since you asked for constructive suggestions I'll give you what advice I can. I know this is a draft, but I feel like you can really make something good (and I'm looking forward to reading it!), so I'll give you some suggestions for improvement.

First, the positive stuff. I think you've got good story elements here. The details you put into describing Will Hunter are very good as well. I get a clear picture of him. The plot of "a hunter hunting some raiders" is not a super unique one, but I don't really care about that sort of thing. A good writer can make any plot enthralling. I like how you dribbled in the bit about Dark Elves having been stripped of their magic in your world. Sweet plot idea. I'm looking forward to learning more about why that happened and what the Elves' magic is like. Also the concept of Elves being stronger than Humans is a less common thread, which makes it interesting.

Now one big point where I think your writing could really improve - show more, tell less. Let me use your first two sentences as an example:

"In the woods of Ford's Way knelt a young man who was in his early twenties. He was about five feet eight inches tall and had a medium build."

No problems with sentence structure or grammar. And the two sentences tell the reader exactly what you want them to see. But people don't read for description sake - they read for the story. A lot of the fun of reading is to learn/guess about the world from the things that are happening there. If Will were instead doing something furthering the story plot that shows off his appearance, I think it will instantly become more engaging. (As a side note, maybe this is just my style, but I try to let myself write sloppy first drafts so that I get a chance to see where the story is going. Then I clean up places where I'm telling instead of showing, so it's not necessarily a bad thing at this point. Just wanted to be clear about that.)

If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to workshop this chapter with you. Private message me if you want to. I think if you weave more of your description into an active story, you'll have a good first chapter.

If you're new to writing, I think you have some real potential! Nice work.

[Redwarrior123]

I agree about the drafts part. I have rewritten this chapter three times on paper before I posted it. About Wills height I will say that it is important in that I will compare a lot of new characters to him. That you for reviewing my chapter. I am still looking for a name to this chapter. If you have some ideas please let me know.

[Takeshi Yamada]

Hi again Redwarrior! It's been a while, but just thought I would check back in on you. I like the improvements you've made to this piece since my last review. I think you're coming along nicely. Keep up the work. Writing is a enjoyable and lifelong journey. Cheers, Takeshi

[Redwarrior123]

Sorry that I haven't been on. But I have had a lot on my plate. I will try to write more soon. Thank you for our support and hope to talk to u more later.