Chapter 2

Kate's memoir describing in detail why she killed herself

I stood up from my seat and made my way through the crowd. I could feel all eyes burning on me. But why did Kate’s dad feel he had to stare me down? Was it jealousy? I used to think he liked me back when Kate and I were together. If he didn’t, he was really good at hiding it.
    When I got to the top of the stage, Mr. Bartley turned to me and just pointed to the papers still on the podium. Without anything else, he stepped off the stage and returned to his original post in the back. No one seemed to care about how fancy his suit looked anymore. No one watched him leave.
    All eyes were on me. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, realizing the words I was about to read were Kate’s words. These were words she wanted me to read. Why? Taking a giant gasp for air, I pushed away the emotion and looked down at the paper, finding where I was supposed to begin reading.
    “Hey Justin,” I began reading into the microphone. “Do you remember me? What am I saying? Of course you do. We went out for six years. I still remember the last time you held me. I seemed to fit in your arms like a glove fit on a hand. Unfortunately, the last time was different. I could sort of tell that the hand was growing a little and the glove would no longer fit. I guess that’s true up until this day,”
    As I read, I could hear my voice reciting each word in a monotone. I sounded like I belonged in high school again, forced to read a passage from one of the text books. I just wanted to get it over with without crying in front of the whole congregation.
    “You used to hold me tight all the time, hugging me from behind and smelling my hair. You always told me it smelled just like strawberries, which was weird because I used a mango scented shampoo. But you insisted that there was strawberries somewhere on me. But there wasn’t,”
    Some people chuckled a little at the though of my off sense of smell. I commended Kate silently for making her memoir a little funny. But I still felt a strange feeling pass over, knowing that it all started off and continued to be about me and her. Nothing to her family or friends. Just me. But I continued.
    “Remember that one night at the party a few years back? Our night. Our first. We made sweet love with each other and--”
    I stopped. What was I reading? I almost forgot to pay attention due to the boring monotone I held and then I reread the sentence silently to myself and suddenly felt hot. My cheeks, I could just tell, grew redder and redder by the moment. I looked around and noticed the pastor nodding for me to continue.
    Sighing, I read, “--and it felt so right, so good. That’s when I knew we were going to be together forever. Or, that’s when I thought it at least. I guess I’m known for misjudging our relationship.”
    I wished we were together forever Kate. I really did.
    “Then the next night, something went wrong with my body. Mom and dad rushed me to the hospital and I vaguely remember you rushing straight over, breaking down and apologizing to my parents claiming that it was all your fault. Then you had to fess up to what we had done and my parents were furious with us. Turns out it wasn’t really your fault. I just had appendicitis. I will never forget what we had.”
    Me either, Kate. Never.
    “We graduated high school together and all our plans seemed solid. We’d go to college together. We’d do everything together. And it worked. We were inseparable. You really seemed to care about me and I really cared about you. I never wanted to lose you. In fact, I would have done anything in the world to keep you. You were my life.
    “Freshman year passed and we made another huge step and moved in together, slept together, had a lot of--” I cleared my throat and loosened my tie some more. Kate really wasn’t making this letter easy for me to read. “--of sex. And I apologize to my parents for having to find out at my funeral about our very intimate relationship but its time you all knew everything about me.”
    Everything? Suddenly, things didn’t seem be going the way I’d hoped. I hoped Kate would just say how sorry she was and let us go on with our lives.
    “And Justin, sweetie, I know this must be awkward and hard for you to read, especially in front of my parents and probably yours, but keep reading. It’s important that you don’t stop. I want everyone to know. Please,”
    I paused. If it were anyone else but Kate, I would have stopped reading. I knew one thing for sure. Kate nailed it. My parents and her parents sat close together. My mom sort of just stared up at me, probably wanting to strangle me but contained herself due to the circumstances. Kate’s dad still held the same, unmoving expression.
    “I loved being with you every night,” I continued, my eyes focusing on the free-handed cursive writing Kate loved to write in. Her Y looped around and curled back up every time, looking just as care-free as she had always been. “Unfortunately, our grades suffered a little more our sophomore year.
    “Well, mine did anyway. Yours stayed practically the same. Perfect as usual. You were always so perfect. And you tried so hard to help me get those grades up but it was no use. So I just coasted with school and focused on you. Focused on us and our love. It wasn’t too big of a deal. I was still eligible to make it as a college student.”
    Wrong. Kate began flunking out at the beginning of our junior year. The year everything turned sour. Her grades were barely eligible. I’m surprised she made it through her sophomore year.
    “But that was just the beginning. Our Junior year of college, we heated up a little more. A lot more sex. A lot more of everything. And that’s the year you proposed. And it’s also the year that I got pregnant with your baby,” I paused and suddenly felt something well up inside of me. A whole fit of emotions. Sadness. Confusion. Anger? But most of all, I felt lost. Lost without Kate. Lost without the knowledge that I desired. The answer to why?
    “Of course, you didn’t really know about it,” my voice stumbled a bit, shaking to fight back tears. My hand shook, making the words on the paper blur a bit. I pushed passed my emotions. “No one did except for one. But I’m not inclined to mention who.”
    Now my eyes drifted over to Kate’s mother who now looked up, eyes bulging and the more tears. She buried her face and just sobbed some more. Mr. Larson…still nothing. Didn’t seem shocked about the news. Boy did my parents look surprised. My mother shook her head, her neat, pinned brunette hair falling straight down to meet her shoulders.
    I couldn’t even look at my dad. Trust me, I was just as shocked as everyone in the room must have been.
    “I didn’t tell you because I wanted to wait for a perfect time to drop the news. I mean, we were engaged. I hoped that when I told you, you wouldn’t be stressed or upset about exams or anything like that. I wanted the news to seem good to you instead of another load of stress. So I waited. But I shouldn’t have. Because I lost the baby and instead of having someone to comfort me through that, I was alone. And that explains why I dropped out of college.”
    Dropped out before they kicked you out, Kate. Don’t forget, you were already failing. I shook my head and dug my thumb and index finger in between my eyes to keep tears from falling. I wiped them away quickly and inhaled.
    “I told you that I just needed to go home for a while and find out who I was again because I was so wrapped around you that I just didn’t know. You told me you understood but I could see in your eyes that you were worried about me and nervous at the same time because we hadn’t really ever been separated for more than just a few days. But I was talking about leaving for a few months.
    “We called each other for a while. Wrote. Texted. You said I could plan the wedding and once school let out, we would get married. So when I stopped calling, you just assumed that’s what I was doing. Planning a wedding. No. I was busy doing other things, Justin. Just not the things you thought I was doing.”
    Alright, Kate, lets just lay everything out on the table then. I don’t know what it was about this story, but I always came out as the bad guy. And I knew it wasn’t going to be any different. So I braced myself and then continued.
    “You see, I did go out with Billy Regan. But we weren’t alone. Some of my old girlfriends were in town and they came with us. It was a big group of people and Erica was the one who hooked up with Billy. But things didn’t go over so well and after the night was over, I was the only one who was nice to Billy. He took this the wrong way, though and he stalked me for a month and a half.”
    I would go back and change that if I could, Kate. I would listen to you.
    “I told him to leave ma lone because I was engaged to you Justin. I even showed him the ring. I guess on my behalf, that was my mistake. I should have just called you and told you about Billy from the get-go. But instead, I told Billy about you. Billy called you. Of course, I don’t know what was all said between you and Billy but I do know that the next night you showed up on my front door step.”
    I know what Billy said. He told me my fiancé had been fooling around. Never said with who. Just that he’d seen her around town at all the wild parties and every night there was a different guy. A few bars there. Some clubs. Just been everywhere.
    I’d been so hurt. So crushed that I trusted Kate alone for a few months. She’d always been a free spirit. Without me around, she could do whatever she wanted. And part of me believed that she would go as far as to cheat on me.
    “Boy,” I sighed, tired of reliving every memory I tried to push away. “I was excited to see your face. Your beautiful, flawless face. Even if I could sense something was wrong from your green, bloodshot eyes, I tried to jump into your arms anyway. But you wouldn’t catch me. You let me fall. In fact, you looked away from me.
    “You told me how you got a call from a secret caller and that our relationship wasn’t going to work out. I didn’t think too much into it. Sure, I was shocked but I realized you’d put just as much time into this relationship as I had and if it were me, I would come crawling back to you. Reality really hit me hard when you immediately asked me for the ring back. If you would have let me keep it, I never would have thought twice about the break up.
    “I gave you the ring. I prayed that it was just for your own comfort and that you would come back and place it in my hands a few days later. Maybe even a week or so. But that week or so passed by quickly. No word. No phone call, no text, no letter. Al I got was a relationship change on facebook.”
    Kate. You never called. You never tried to explain yourself. You just gave me the ring back and slammed the door in my face. It wasn’t my job to call. Sure I jumped to hasty conclusions, but if she really cared, she would have called right? Or tried to explain right there to my face?
    “I cried for days! Weeks! If you ask my parents, you’ll realize that crying for weeks is just an understatement. I think I cried every day up until now, the moment I kill myself. Until I’m dead, the pain will never cease.”
    Now I knew I was crying. It was painful to relive this whole scene and then to get Kate’s commentary from the grave. It all started to sink in. I was never going to talk with Kate again, to tell her I was sorry. I could never hold her or kiss her soft lips again. Kate was dead. Gone forever. And all I had was this long suicide note that she, for some reason, placed in my possession.
    “I didn’t cheat on you Justin. I loved you. But you forced yourself to believe a few stupid rumors. And ever since we broke up, I’ve been miserable.” Me too.  “I cut myself. I hurt myself as badly as I could without dying Justin. You didn’t know how complicated my life was.
    “My parents fought all the time,” I glanced up at the Larsons but they didn’t move. Didn’t seem to care anymore. “They hated each other and probably hated me. I’m sure they hate me now. At least my mom does for taking my life. My dad got some closure I’m sure. I bet he was just waiting for the day I would kill myself,”
    I glanced at him again. Still nothing. He didn’t flinch at Kate’s harsh words. Just stared off into the distance, not even looking at me anymore. But for some reason, his eyes seemed cold.
    “I bet he was just waiting for the day I would kill myself. Always told me he was tired of my crying and moping around. That the day I was silent would be the day he would finally smile again. So who knows, maybe the thoughts of suicide crept into my mind then. Or maybe they were sort of there the moment you told me we were over. It’s not worth living without you Justin. It’s just not.
    “I wish you could have saved me. I wish I wasn’t forced to write this letter. And though I was so upset, I wish my life didn’t have to end like this because somewhere deep down, I always hoped, and I still hope, we could have still be something.”
    Still hope? Kate, you killed yourself. You shouldn’t have had any hope.
    “I had no other real friends other than you, besides Erica and Shelby. But they were closer than I ever was with either of them. I spent all my high school days with you and lost all my other friends. So, even when we were together, I had some loneliness creeping into my life. Why?
    “Because your life was so simple. So perfect. You had it made. Star of the basketball team. Had all the brains. Family that loved you and all the friends. You didn’t have time for just me. At least not in high school. Yet you still chose to keep me around after high school. Maybe that’s why you really broke up with me. Because I was too complicated for your fabulous life. I resented how perfect you really were.”
    That’s not fair Kate. You were always perfect to me. I didn’t care if you weren’t book smart. You were smarter than all the rest of us when it came to other things. You were beautiful. Fare. Wonderful. Funny. I could keep going.
    “Well, Justin Malone, your life about to come crumbling down because I just wanted you to know, you were the last thought that will cross my mind before I kill myself.”
    Kate, no. I prayed this letter wouldn’t end badly. But I knew it was. I rested my eyes for a moment and let the tears dry. When I opened them, I read the last sentence.
    “I killed myself because of you.”

Author's Note

Hope you like it.

Reviews

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

Powerful teary moment ending !!

[Talia Renee]

I can't stop reading!! I'm like glued to my computer screen!

[Chloe Christine]

Keep going, please. This is awesome!

[TheElfPrincess]

Anothed good chapter, yet very sed and it made me shed a tear. You have got wonderful characters and an easy-reading story here. Well done.

[PyroKitty24]

I still absolutely adore this story, even if it just got so ungodly sad. I feel so bad for both Justin and Kate. You did amazing at writing this. I was interested thoughout the whole thing, no matter how sad it got. You knew exactly when to break the letter and let Justin inwardly comment on it, or when to describe the people in the audience.

[Bailey C. Writing]

Oh God I seriously shed a tear, that was terrible that last sentence x.x
Oh, I mean terrible in the way that it was terrible, not your writing was terrible, this was brilliant. I want the next chapter really bad---I told you it was a good idea to continue this!
Raw emotion, tears and the heartbreak...what a good chapter...

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

This was amazing, but very emotional. I could feel everything that Justin had felt. This almost made me cry. Justin heard the rumors about her, but he didn't bother to ask? What kind of man is he? I know he loved Kate a lot. I think he should have told them that she was pregnant. That wasn't fair for him not to know when she killed herself. You could tell Justin really did love her. I can't wait to read on to the next chapter. I can't wait to find out Justin's real reaction to what Kate had said for the last line. "I killed myself because of you." I don't really blame Justin myself. I blame her for getting depressed over something that wasn't in her control. Thanks for sharing.

[Jasi Rae]

Amazing! This was really powerful. I can relate to how hurt Kate was, but at the same time I feel so awful for Justin. I mean, I know what it feels like to have so much blame put on you while people seem to hold you to a different standard. She felt so strongly for him and he didn't even ask her. All the same, he feels so much for her and it seems like she wasn't putting forth the same effort. I really enjoyed this chapter. It's really stirring. Brava.

[Coyote Poetry]

A strong chapter. She open herself up. Sometime is not a good thing. I like the emotion and the conversation after the reading. A excellent chapter. I look forward to reading more.
Coyote

[Daydreamer54]

I loved it! man, that must have been heart-breaking for him to read and embarasing! especially about what they did in their private time, but she may have wrote that on purpose, knowing that she would embarass him after her life was over. just to get back at him and the last sentence really hit home! Wonder what he thinks about all of this.