How To Destroy The Earth

 

The Earth is a 4, 540, 000, 000 year old, 5, 974, 200, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000 - ton ball of f*****g iron. It was built to last. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you've blinked and it still orbits merrily. Do NOT think this will be easy. This is not a guide for those p*****s who want to wipe out humanity or annihilate everything from single-celled life upwards, or simply nuke the place down to the bedrock. These are trivial goals in comparison. This is a guide for those who do not want the Earth there anymore.

The Earth has been destroyed [zero] times. There are currently [zero] plans in progress with the aim of bringing about the Earth's destruction. As of 2006, it would take Earth a minimum of 25 years to be destroyed by natural means, or 50 years by artificial means.

These personalized methods listed below are ranked in order of feasibility. Feasibility ratings are based solely on mankind's technological ability to bring about a given method of destruction. Sorry, natural causes are not taken into account.

[1] Earth's existence negated via time travel
Materials = You will need a time machine.

This method is simple, by using your time machine, travel back a few billenia, before the formation of Earth. Find the young Sun here and an accretion disc of dirty material that will later become our solar system. Find the patch of material likely to condense into the Earth. Now blow up, smash apart, and otherwise stir up the material so that it never gets a chance to come together and form Earth.

Feasibility Rating = 0/10. Utter nonsense.

[2] Earth's termination via microscopic black hole
Materials = All you will need is a microscopic black hole having enough mass not to evaporate instantly.

For this method, place your hole on the surface of the Earth and wait. It will eat its way into the ground until it reaches the center of the Earth where it will sit and consume the matter until Earth has been eaten.

Feasibility Rating = 2/10. Highly unlikely.

[3] Final demise of our beloved Earth consists of hurling the Earth right into the sun!
Materials = You will need a very large meteor and some method of steering it.

When you have acquired such tools, attach whatever rockets are necessary to a rocky body sufficiently far from Earth. Then swivel the body to face in the correct direction, (the direction of the sun, stupid) and fire the rockets for a good long burn so that you build up good speed.

Feasibility Rating = 6/10. Impossible at our current technological level, but may happen by freak accident.

For your own interest and safety, you should take into consideration some of this general advice. For example, you have to physically be on Earth to begin the destruction process, so remember to plan a reasonable escape time. And, if the method you choose can be tried more than once, and your budget will stretch, you could consider practicing on smaller astronomical bodies and working your way up. But most importantly, take a camera. These methods listed above are incredibly spectacular and witnessing them will probably be once-in-a-lifetime.

Reviews

[Tahna]

cool

[Nicole Hellene]

1. Well that would only make us form in the next galaxy over. Hey, the Andromeda galaxy might be cooler and we'd all be little green men instead of pink ones. Lol.

2. Great! I have one of those in my pocket right now! Was wondering when it would come in handy!

* Then again, once again, we'll just end up in the next galaxy over, inside out though.

3. Okay, now I just have to go rob an Air Force base.

Dude, you watched a lot of Pinky and the Brain when you were a kid didn't you? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL you're my freaking hero!

[Wombat.]

yeah, i'm just re-submitting all of my old writing that got lost:[

[Logan Carryall]

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