The Visitors From Beyond

What started out as any other night quickly turns into a nightmare as Mitch and his friends stumble upon visitors from out of this world and find themselves running for their lives.

 

            It was Friday. Mitch was going to go camping with a bunch of his friends. It was to be their last summer together before going off to college. He was to meet his cousin Toby and some of his friends at his uncle’s cottage in the Redwood Forest just a mile from the national park and game lands. It was going to be a blast Mitch thought as he was driving down the highway to the dirt road that would take them to the cottage and their escapade. “You gotta see this cottage Becky. It is so neat the way it was built. The ground floor is at the base of a cliff and the second floor entryway is a bridge crossing a gap between the top of the cliff and the cottage. I bet Roger will have brought in a load of firewood for the large fireplace in the down stairs den.”

            “Sounds awesome honey, are you sure we are gonna go hiking and the other things you talked about earlier or am I getting setup for a weekend long make-out session? Not that it would be bad to do that, but Carol and I want to see the giant redwoods that are big as a house.” said Becky

            “We definitely need to see those Redwoods… seriously!” said Carol

            “Ladies, we will definitely see some Redwoods. Mitch needs to concentrate on driving before we go off the road. LOOK OUT! For that porcupine… Mitch, you hit that huge porcupine! Better hope you gotta spare if the tire goes flat.” said Alexander as he turned to look at the corpse on the road. “Is Toby still dating that one girl? What was her name?”

            “Susan. I think Toby likes her a lot, but I don’t think she is real genuine with her feelings… at least when we are around.” answered Carol.

            “Yeah, she does seem to be fake.” stated Becky bluntly.

            “Okay, enough ripping on Toby’s girlfriend. Maybe she seems so fake because you guys are so critical of anyone who dates Toby. So much so that she has to act perfect to get your approval. Which apparently isn't working!” said Mitch.

            “Whoa, what is the deal Mitch?” inquired Becky.

            “I just want Toby to be happy and if Susan is doing a good job of it then that is good. If you ladies recall his last girlfriend was not up to your standards either and you two were so hard on her she left him. Lets enjoy out weekend so please don’t give Susan a hard time.” said Mitch. “Look, here is our turn. Behave yourselves girls.”

            “Yes Mitch!” the girls said together with a giggle. As they made the turn some quills from the porcupine worked their way deeper into the tire and air started to leak from the tire. Within a matter of minutes the tire was flat and started making a thumping noise.

            “You got a flat tire bro.” said Alexander shaking his head and trying not to laugh.

            “Dang it!” shouted Mitch as he veered it to the side of the dirt road and put it in park. Mitch and Alexander got out to inspect the damage.

            “Whoa bro! Ha ha…. looks like you scalped the poor porcupine. Looks like everyone one of his quills are stuck in the tire. Hope you got a spare.” said Alexander as he walked back to talk to Carol.

            “Well, lets see if the spare is here. Dang it! No spare.” said Mitch as he got up and headed to the front of the Blazer. “Bad news is that we have to walk from here. Good news is that we can cut through the woods to get to the cottage. Let’s get the gear and get going. Looks like you girls are getting your hike in early.” Mitch grinned as he walked back to open the hatch to get the gear. Everyone took some of the gear as Mitch passed it out. “There should be an ATV trail a few yards in from that marker.” as he pointed to a tree with a fluorescent band wrapped around it. “Uncle Max has a hunting stand up that way.” The friends all started into the woods to find the stand and trail that would lead them to the cottage.

            After walking for ten minutes they came to an area in the woods where some trees had been knocked down from some sort of impact. “Wow! Look at that! A meteor strike or something.” exclaimed Carol. “Judging from the way things are here it came from over there, but the weird thing is that an object that size should have been much larger. Should have made a crater about a mile around. This short skid and crater is just too small.”

            “Maybe the trees just slowed it down baby. Some of those trees are ten feet in diameter, surely they would slow it down some.” reasoned Alexander.

            “But it is a straight line Alex.” replied Carol.

            “But it was moving really fast when it hit baby so it could of kept going straight.” answered Alexander. “Like when I am on the ball field and run, smashing through my opponents in a straight line.”

            “Alex, you think about your football and I will know my science.” said Carol as she walked around the crash site. “Ouch! That hurt.” said Carol as she grabbed her ankle.

            “You ok baby?” asked Alexander.

            “Yeah. I scratched my ankle on this weird rock. I will be okay.” said Carol.

            “Lets get this stuff to the cabin and we can come up here using my uncle’s ATVs to check it out some more.” said Mitch as he and Becky moved along the ribbon-marked path to find the tree stand and path.

            “That sounds like an excellent idea Mitch! Come on baby, lets get this stuff to camp and investigate it later.” said Alexander as he took Carol by the hand and led her from the impact site.

Reviews

[csprohar]

I am actually still developing this story. I am actually expanding this from a 15 second dream I had....lol

[S. W. Tallin]

First off, you need to make this longer bud. Short chapters can be good, but this doesn't really tell you enough to hook the reader in any way. Even just a few more paragraphs that will set up something for the next chapter usually does the trick. Like they notice something strange about the meteorite, while basic would be a fair example of something to do. (Obviously your reason would surely be different)

You also need to work on the dialogue a bit. It seems scripted when you read it, and doesn't flow like a regular conversation would. Which in turn ruins the flow of everything else. Also, try and keep conversation focused on one thing. You jump topics so fast that it's really hard to get any idea of the character's personalities.

You still got some work to do, but we all do. Hope I didn;t come across as negative, just trying to lend a few pointers.