How are you today? I saw this poem in my news feed and the title caught my eye because I surely can identify with that title. I must point out that in the first stanza, third line, change "your" to "you're." I'm supposing in same line, the word "some," refers to the peace the narrator is talking to. This line right here seems loose, "I'm friendly no need to fear me." I feel like that stanza can do without it, but that's my opinion. Overall, this stanza to me reminds me of a poisonous relationship in where there's so much giving, very little receiving.
In the third stanza, in the first line, change "a" to "an." In the third line of that stanza, remove the word, "is," as it is idly there. The last line, change "jut" to "just." The second stanza reminds me of someone being invisible and imprisoned by another's emotional episodes.
This line was a tad awkward, "you looked heated." This is awkward too, "don't put this voice on mute." There's no structure rhyme scheme from the beginning so no need to make anything rhyme now.
Anywho, the feeling is definitely something one can relate to trying to help someone, but not being able to. I liked the meaning and indeed was a good read.
Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,
God bless
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what.. read moreI have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what you are saying about this poem. Overall, I did enjoy how the tone remained constant throughout the poem, even if there were a few grammar fixes ( which, is normal by the way), it did have moments of beautiful diction, I especially like the line "I need a piece of your mind for a minute." It really brings the reader into the tone of the piece.
There are a few awkward bits that other people have pointed out, but otherwise I really really enjoyed this piece! Its just a great read that has a great message behind it and is very well worded/relatable. Well done :)
I like the different roles you play on for each emotion. I really enjoyed the ending "It was too late". It sounds like you are talking to a certain person, someone here a minute and gone the next. As they leave you just stare, in a way accepting it. Good work here kid.
Thinking about relationships that lose value because one person is being ignored or may seem unimportant to the other person. Sometimes, when we get comfortable with someone--we take them for granted or devalue them in some way.
Our world is like this today. The workplace is where many get devalued and looked over, or totally taken advantage of because a person is kind and giving.
Posted 10 Years Ago
10 Years Ago
Truth!!
You should expand this comment into a poem. Sounds beautiful already. Ha!
How are you today? I saw this poem in my news feed and the title caught my eye because I surely can identify with that title. I must point out that in the first stanza, third line, change "your" to "you're." I'm supposing in same line, the word "some," refers to the peace the narrator is talking to. This line right here seems loose, "I'm friendly no need to fear me." I feel like that stanza can do without it, but that's my opinion. Overall, this stanza to me reminds me of a poisonous relationship in where there's so much giving, very little receiving.
In the third stanza, in the first line, change "a" to "an." In the third line of that stanza, remove the word, "is," as it is idly there. The last line, change "jut" to "just." The second stanza reminds me of someone being invisible and imprisoned by another's emotional episodes.
This line was a tad awkward, "you looked heated." This is awkward too, "don't put this voice on mute." There's no structure rhyme scheme from the beginning so no need to make anything rhyme now.
Anywho, the feeling is definitely something one can relate to trying to help someone, but not being able to. I liked the meaning and indeed was a good read.
Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,
God bless
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what.. read moreI have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what you are saying about this poem. Overall, I did enjoy how the tone remained constant throughout the poem, even if there were a few grammar fixes ( which, is normal by the way), it did have moments of beautiful diction, I especially like the line "I need a piece of your mind for a minute." It really brings the reader into the tone of the piece.
For me, this is like a life cycle of being a friend. Happy, sad, pumped, angry, distant. All fits. I found the final lines puzzling and settled on them being the conscience perhaps? The whole piece had a nice easy flow that I enjoyed reading and could identify with most of what was said. Justine