How are you today? I saw this poem in my news feed and the title caught my eye because I surely can identify with that title. I must point out that in the first stanza, third line, change "your" to "you're." I'm supposing in same line, the word "some," refers to the peace the narrator is talking to. This line right here seems loose, "I'm friendly no need to fear me." I feel like that stanza can do without it, but that's my opinion. Overall, this stanza to me reminds me of a poisonous relationship in where there's so much giving, very little receiving.
In the third stanza, in the first line, change "a" to "an." In the third line of that stanza, remove the word, "is," as it is idly there. The last line, change "jut" to "just." The second stanza reminds me of someone being invisible and imprisoned by another's emotional episodes.
This line was a tad awkward, "you looked heated." This is awkward too, "don't put this voice on mute." There's no structure rhyme scheme from the beginning so no need to make anything rhyme now.
Anywho, the feeling is definitely something one can relate to trying to help someone, but not being able to. I liked the meaning and indeed was a good read.
Sincerely JazzSoulKeke,
God bless
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what.. read moreI have to say your feedback was the best I've read on here. So, I'm going to have to agree with what you are saying about this poem. Overall, I did enjoy how the tone remained constant throughout the poem, even if there were a few grammar fixes ( which, is normal by the way), it did have moments of beautiful diction, I especially like the line "I need a piece of your mind for a minute." It really brings the reader into the tone of the piece.
Who likes to be ignored? I'd rather have someone turn to me and say 'beat it' than to be totally ignored! They say that what goes around, comes around. Your poem broaches the perfect example! I did not hear anyone calling you either! Nice write CRZ
This poem is very relatable,
sometimes we give all our attention to someone, and we don't get any in return. I know everyone meets someone like that eventually. The funny thing is, by the time they realize you've always been there for them, its already too late... and you explained rightfully so in this poem ^_^
I like how it sounds like your talking to me directly, its a very unique take on this piece
Wow. Technically, there are some spelling errors all throughout the poem, but it was very minimal and very fixable. Poetically, your write is very casual but meaningful. I like the topic that you choose and how you narrate a heartbreaking love of someone who made himself available for another and was taken for granted. It's with poems like this that emotions are very real and raw. It summed up beautifully in the ending, too, with a few words saying, "It was too late." I like it. :)