Stripped Away

At least I’m aware

How much of myself do I have to strip away
to show you how much I want you to stay
constantly giving but never receiving enough
who am I to say that all this is tough

I do this to myself
I act like I don’t know but things show itself
Been hurt so many times you’d think i’d learn
Selfish to what hurts because i believe it’s earned

maybe I deserve it
maybe i need to re-learn it

overall, it’s all my fault
sign after sign but i ignore it all
i can’t say I do it for you
i do it for me because i think i need to prove myself to you

even if it means neglecting myself
you over me, i can’t help myself
promised myself i’d never beg someone to stay
but I can’t help but wish you look at me a certain way

a way that complete’s me
i need you to need me

All this just so i can piece me
my brain doesn’t let me think in peace
obsessed over what’s not meant to be
i need to let you go, but that feeling is killing me

i wish things could be the way I want for once
i don’t want you to leave me, this happens a bunch
i’m tired god, i tell you all the time
when am I gonna have the opportunity to claim something as mine

I never love myself enough to be loved
no matter what I do, my love is never enough
i never thought i could be hurt this way
this year has taught me it’s better to stay away

all people do is tear u away
stripped evey bit of me that i loved
now I’m left without u and it’s tough

nobody has shown me they’ll stay
use me, need me, just to throw me away
how am I supposed to feel
when people constantly show me im not real

i’m just an object to use and put away when they feel
how am i supposed to love myself when this is my real
how long do i have to keep doing this until I can’t deal
nobody has the patience to stay to get the know me forreal

artificial because what u know is what u need of me
when will it ever be about me
when will i look in the mirror and not have to question me

I don’t love myself anymore, im at my lowest
i have nothing more to offer, i’m stripped away to my poorest

i can’t keep doing this to myself, i’m really at my lowest

Reviews

[keith]

pay no attention to the blowhard
he is so in love with himself it borders on rape
is 'hang in there' supposed to whitewash his self-indulgent manner?

your write is real
real emotions and real questions of self-worth
there is quality in your write and it's called truth
i support your way of telling the world what you need to say
do not change because another wishes it so
your poem says it like it is

[JayG]

• I love to be able to express myself in the rawest way

I mean no insult, when I say this, but I have to ask, Are you burning to know how I feel? Does learning how all the other members feel today excite you? I ask because that’s how anxious others are to know how you feel.

My point? You have to keep in mind that in general, we don't care how any stranger feels, until, and unless, we have an empethetic bond with them. So, if I tell you I’m lonely, without making you know why, and why it should matter to you, your natural response will be. “Okay, that’s a shame, but let me tell you about my own….”

People read poetry, expecting it to move them, emotionally, not receive a report on the poet's emotions. Instead of being told that you cried at a funeral, for example, they want you to give them a reason to weep—a very different approach to writing, one we were taught nothing at all about in school.

Why? Because the purpose of school is to prepare us for employment, and employers need nonfiction writing from us: reports, papers, and letters. So, most of our assignments are to write reports and essays. Did a single teacher discuss prosody. No. So, since you don't know what it can do, or what it is, you don’t make it work for you, you simply add a rhyme on the end of paired lines—rhyming couplets. It’s the natural thing to do, in the situation.

But...there’s a whole world of tricks and techniques that we’ll not think of till they’re pointed out, but which will make the writing more fun, more significant, and. please the reader a LOT more.

So it’s not a matter of talent, or how well you write, it’s that you need to pick up a few tricks. It’s something we all face, so it’s more of a, “So that’s how they do it…cool,” thing than a disaster.

Remember, your reader has not a clue of why you’re saying what you do. They have only what the words suggest to them. And, since you're writing and editing from your chair, you won’t see the things that are missing—which is why we must always edit from the chair of a reader. We forget that the reader must understand as-they-read, so context is a must, as, or before, a given line is read.

To better see the problems when we don’t do that, look at a few lines as a reader must:

• How much of myself do I have to strip away

What can this mean to a reader, who knows nothing at this point? Not who they are, not the situation that caused this to be written, and not where we are.

• to show you how much I want you to stay

To show me? It’s not what you meant, but it is what you said. From the reader’s seat, someone we know nothing about is talking to someone nor introduced, about things we have no knowledge of. So two lines in and we’re lost. And clarifying later helps not at all, because there can be no second first-impression.

• constantly giving but never receiving enough

Giving what? Receiving what? You know. The one speaking knows. But the reader? Remember, this could be a son talking to MOM, an employee talking to the boss, or any of a million things. The reader has no access to your intent, only your words and what they suggest to that reader.

So, some suggestions on how to to kill that problem:

First, take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon It’s a really great intro into the needs and unique requirements of structured poetry.

You might check the local library for Mary Oliver’s A Poetry Handbook. Lots of people swear by it.

And check the Shmoop site. It's a great resource on many subjects. Select Student when you get there, then use the button by the midpage search window to select Poetry. They have lots of great poems analyzed to a great degree, to show how and why it was so well received.

So…I know you were hoping for better news. But as I said, the problems aren’t related to you. And since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you’d want to know.

So dig in. I think you’ll find the learning a lot like going backstage at the theater, and love the result.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/