Chasing Lightning Bugs

I remember those summer nights
Damp from my just taken bath
Wearing my favorite yellow pajamas

Wet hair stringing and sticking
To the back of my neck
We'd go to the side yard
Half still lit by the sun, half by the moon
And chase lightning bugs
My bare feet mowed through the cool blades of grass
Running and jumping
Missing, mostly, as I tried
To catch their magical luminescence
As they eluded my clumsy fingers
And danced thru the darkening sky
Just out of my reach
 

Reviews

[Creepy Swine Guy]

I too loved this. It's funny how many of us shared this experience. It brings us all back to those wonderful summer nights of our youth. This is very similar to my poem "Summer in a Jar". I think that it just goes to show how very much we all share a common youth. Sadly though, I don't see the kids doing this as much any more.

[Chelsea Schermerhorn]

:D This reminds me much of myself when I was little. Thank you for entering my Imagery contest, you have made the first cut of finalists.

[T. F. Rice]

Crystal,
This is a very promising piece. If you will allow a couple suggestions, to tighten it up, I'll go on. If not, just ignore me. People are on this site for varying reasons. Critique/reviews are sort of "take it or leave it"...

SEE HOW MINOR CHANGES MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE: I WILL NOTE IN ALL CAPS, FOR CLARITY'S SAKE:
NOTE: "[" bracketed parts are meaning to remove them, not needed, redundant, etc. :-)


I remember those summer nights
Still damp from my JUST-TAKEN bath
Dressed in my favorite yellow pajamas
[With my] Wet hair stringing and sticking
To [the] back of [my] neck (you use "my" already so dont need on previous line or here!)
[We'd go] into the side yard WE'D GO
AIR half [still] lit by the sun, [and] half LIT by the moon
And chase lightning bugs
My bare feet mowed [thru] the cool blades of grass (dont need this extra syllable, also misspelled)
Running and jumping
Missing, mostly, as I tried
To catch their magical luminescence
[As] They eluded my clumsy fingers (as if a new sentence starts here, because otherwise too run-on)
And danced thru the darkening sky (these last three lines are so much stronger if meant to be a complete thought by themselves, such as with out the word AS--- I love it!)
Just out of my reach

Again, just commetns/ suggestions. Because I think you are worth the time invested. If you were to rework this piece, in your own words, not requiring my changes, but considering why I say them, I'd maybe want to publish this piece in a summer issue 08 of The OTher Herald (Heralding the art of words in Western NY and beyond...)

I aam just wrapping up the Summer Writing Contest of 2007, will print the winner in the Feb issue of TOH, to give everyone a warm feeling in the middle of winter. Thanks for your patience, in judging, because there were so many entrants. Sorry this didnt make the finalist cut... but I do like it and that is why I take this time. Please know that. And write on!! Oh, AND if you do rework it, let me know at email: [email protected] TOH accepts submissions of any work at any time, but as text in email, and with short bio, address for mailing of free copies of issue your work appears in, full name as you wish it to appear if you work is chosen, etc. Smiles, and maybe will be talking to you soon? Write on~ TFRice, Editor

[Blackbirdsong]

You have perfectly captured the magic and wonder of a perfect summer night. When I was a kid I used to spend summers in Tarrytown, NY which is where the actually Sleepy Hollow is located. They've since renamed Tarrytown to Sleepy Hollow, but anyway I used to play in the Hollow as a kid and we used to chase fireflies there and have all kinds of magical, spooky fun before our mothers called us to home and get ready for bed. Your poem evoked a lot of happy memories for me as well as yourself I have no doubt. This was really well done.

[Melissa Kliemann]

I really like this. A nice, simple glimpse at a memory. I love poems like this, which make a statement about the seemingly trivial in life. These, to me, are the most beautiful. I really enjoyed this piece. I feel like I should always give a suggestion with my reviews, but I'm really not sure what to say here. The only thing I can think of is the punctuation. You're not really losing anything without it, but you're not gaining anything without it, either. So maybe consider adding it anyway? Also, maybe rethink your line breaks. Overall, though, this is a great little piece.

P.S.--I'm sorry about taking so long with the Summer Stories contest. I've just moved and I haven't had the time to sit down and read/review stories. I hope to be done sometime soon, though.

[Niki Nonsense]

oh i love it. it sounds just like when i was little except i wasn't allowed outside after i took a bath. lol. i'd just get dirty again! love it!

[J. M. Yeary]

Hey Crystal, I really like this piece! It reminds me so much of my youth. This has good flow and the words paint such a wonderful image. I close my eyes and I can easily picture myself back home running through the front yard on a cool summer night chasing lightning bugs and I, too, often would miss :)

These are my favorite lines:

To catch their magical luminescence
As they eluded my clumsy fingers
And danced thru the darkening sky
Just out of my reach

Thank you so much for putting this on here for others to read. Welcome to the cafe, and keep them coming...good work! Take care and have a great week :)