lost

A Story by cryptic_angel

I never knew what it would be like once I lost my virginity, I had an idea of how it could be but I never imagined how it would happen and end

Closing my eyes I let the soothing tones of music wash through me and calm my soul. Time hesitates as I walk along the never ending street, each step slow and cautious. This place which was once crowded and full of life now lay bare, empty and deserted. The street which had been lively in times gone past now offered me a place to escape from my inner torment. It gave me a place to be alone, away from all the pain. Opening my eyes everything comes back to life; the light, trees, clouds gliding across the sky, even water running down the gutter comes back to life. In that moment of release, my pain, my torment and my memories come rushing back in a tidal wave, drowning me below their suffocating weight. I take a deep breath but my lungs remain empty, deprived of air.

Feeling the weight of eyes on me, I look around and see the one person I did not want to see, sitting in his car and staring at me like a vulture watching its prey.

“Billie, get in the car!”

I hear David yell out the window as I turn to walk away. David follows, driving along with me before he yells out of the window again “Billie get in the car before I make you.” Sighing, I stop where I’m standing, debating with myself whether I should run away, or give up my last bit of defence. “Please just get in the car Billie; we need to talk.” Closing my eyes I take my final breath as a free woman. Then I open my eyes, turn around and head towards the man who started all this pain in the first place. Each step I take towards the car, towards Him, heaps more pressure upon my chest, like a boa constrictor wrapping itself around its dinner. Opening the door, I cautiously get into the car, feeling like I have just entered the lion’s den willingly, knowing the exact consequences of my choice.

I wrap my arms around my stomach, subconsciously trying to seek the sensation of safety that a mother’s arms would offer wrapped around her child, while looking out the window as buildings and trees fly past in a haze of colours, blending into one another until we pull up in front of my house. We sit in silence.

“Billie, are you pregnant?” He asks, and in that one sentence the limited air in my lungs is squeezed out, leaving me breathless and afraid as I tighten my arms around myself and sink into the seat, wishing it would suck me up and take me far away from here. “Billie?”

Closing my eyes I try to block out everything, hoping that if I wish hard enough I’ll be able to wake up in bed wrapped in my blankets safe and sound. Snapping my eyes open I look across at David as he shakes my shoulder, “Billie did you even hear anything I just said?” I stare at his hand feeling like a blinding pain is coursing through my arm from his touch, not knowing what to do I stare ahead and shrink away from him making his hand fall from my shoulder, “Billie please, you haven’t been the same these past three months, you don’t take part in classes anymore, you don’t fight, you hold your stomach defensively as if to protect it from some unseen danger, please tell me, are you?” Taking a deep breath I try to hold in the sob I so desperately wished to hold back but it betrays me and slips out past my lips, just like the tears that start to slowly roll down my red hot cheeks leaving behinds trails of salt and ruined mascara “Billie?” I hear David whisper softly as if he is afraid that saying it any louder would break me.

“I lost my baby.” I say as quietly as I can, “I lost my baby.” I repeat, not knowing what else to say, afraid that I might not be able to stop, “I lost my ba…”

“Wait, what did you just say?” David cuts in before I can finish what I’m saying.

“I said I lost my baby David!” I can feel the energy completely drain from me as I look down at the hands wrapped around my flat stomach and sag into my seat, “I lost my baby.” I say once more as all my pain and suffering seeps into my voice, making me sound defeated and lost.

“Billie why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant in the first place?” Looking up at David I feel a fresh wave of tears stream down my face.

“Why didn’t I tell you, why didn’t I tell you?” Feeling my anger rise like bile in my throat I start to feel sick, “I need to get out of here” I murmur, reaching for the door. I push it open and stumble out of the car towards my plain white door with peeling paint and a small tinted window. Fumbling with my keys I hear David call my name just as I unlock my front door and swing it open. The moment I get inside I feel a hand wrap around my arm. He turns me around and I see David looking at me with fear in his eyes, “why didn’t you tell me Billie?” Letting me go David reaches out and holds my hot, tear stained cheek in his large hand, strong but cold. “Why Billie?” Not having the strength anymore I collapse on the ground as all the memories come flooding in once again, crushing me below their suffocating weight.

“Because I was scared David, I had just turned 21 and I found out that I was pregnant… and the father was my ex who I’d lost my virginity to one night whilst I was drunk.” Clutching my chest I feel it start to ache as I let my pain tighten its grip around me. “It had been three weeks since I found out. I felt a pain in my stomach so I went to the hospital and they said I had almost lost my baby, it had only been three weeks and I had almost lost my baby. A week later and I felt the pain again only this time the pain was too much and I knew, I knew my baby was gone because there was blood everywhere and the pain just would not stop. They didn’t even need to tell me David because I could see it in their eyes that my baby was gone.” I close my eyes and sink closer to the ground hoping that it will swallow me up and make it all go away. Looking up at David I see sadness and tears in his eyes, “I lost my baby David… I lost our baby.”