teaching tomorrow. feeling tired and a little badly

confronting feelings of ineptness at doing something new. addressing unpredictability, feelings of concern of others' dissatisfaction of my performance

life is about survival. survival of the fittest? what does that mean? am i fit?

people will say, that not everyone will like you. of course i know that. but sometimes, the sting of thinking, in your mind, that someone doesn't like you, that they talk about you, that there are whispers, etc. 

am i too sensitive of a person? 

tomorrow i teach in the classroom. i've been there since september. they couldn't find a teacher because i think the teacher that was supposed to be there ended up going to a different school instead. or something. i don't know what the story is. i just know there was supposed to be a different teacher, but when i did a search for that teacher, she's now teaching in south san francisco, and she has a very lovely face, and i wonder if my students now would've liked her better. i know, i can't think about that. i shouldn't think about that. 

but think about this - ever wonder about filling up days with activities? 

i think i've decided that i'm not an entertainer. i'm not an entertainer. this class is about reading and writing, and gaining focus to read and write. i'm not going to entertain. that's not my job. that's what i've decided. i mean, i can make it interesting or variated by providing video biographies and pictures, and i don't know what they hell else. i don't think that a few of my classes are ready for group presentations. oh, i know, you could say, yes they are! but - i'm their teacher, and - yeah. i think i kind of know. we'll get to that. i know, how could i control everything? well, let me say this, i'm just trying to gain some kind of - normalcy. before we can try group presentations, we have to be ready to listen, and i'm still trying to get the class there. i know it'll happen. just not right now. that's not the case with every class, just 3 of my classes. 

anyway, how in the world do you fill up the days with activities? it is about reading and writing, and like i said, i can mix it up with videos and pictures, but essentially, this is not a filmmaking or art class. this is an English class. which means, gaining the focus for reading and writing. so, that actually is a huge goal of mine - to help prepare students to gain the focus they need in order to read and write. 

nevertheless - 

maybe it will be boring. but you know, it has to get done. the focus needs to be achieved. i'm not an entertainer. if my primary goal is to make sure students are able to sit down and read to each other (of course, identifying mood and tone, and providing proof as to how an author is descriptive, making statements with quote proofs, etc.), then so be it. it may not be particularly exciting. but it is something that needs to be achieved. this is school. not the movies. and focus is a huge part of school. my job is to help prepare students for the real world. and in order to be successful in the real world, it is needful to be able to sit down, and read, and focus. and if that is my main objective, then so be it. i am not an entertainer.

so anyway, i'm sure people could critique this, as i've seen people throw punches online through education articles. it can get ugly. but the truth of the matter is that you know what you know and you feel what you feel, and i am sorry, but in an English class, it is essential to know how to gain the focus to read. it may seem very simple, but essentially - that is what must be done. oh, you can say - well, have you provided an interesting "into" activity? 

i will go back to my main purpose, which i really feel strongly about. students really need to know how to gain the focus to read. and honestly, no matter what tap dance i do in front of them, it does ultimately come down to them. and i know they can do it - they need to know that they can do it.

so anyway, that's my goal so far. but like i said, i never know how it is going to go. and so i feel nervous. i don't know. i know i'm not a fearsome person, and there is the unknown, and i am a first-year teacher. and i know that there are other teachers who are more forthright, and they have it in them to rip up the work of a student who is working on something for another class, or they can take a student's cellular phone and keep it overnight, but i've realized that i am not like that. 

and i think some students get frustrated. i have this idea that some students get upset with me and maybe wish they were in a different class because i'm not the teacher that is "fierce" who sends students out, and grabs their cellular phone, and writes referrals, and sends students out. 

i'm building my strategies, and getting to know students, and it is just taking some time. and i think some students - they want to see me send students out. and i don't want to do it, because i know they're already overloaded in the place where teachers send students out, and i'd rather try to figure it out myself, but it just takes some time. and i wonder if some students wish that they were in a different class, with a more 'strict' teacher, or a more experienced teacher, where the room is very quiet, and the teacher is in 'control'. 

i don't know, i am not a very fearsome person, and i feel inept. that's all i know. and what i can do. and that i'll try. 

i spent all of saturday afternoon sitting in my chair feeling tired and a little awful. that's not life. it's happened before, but was about something else unrelated to the situation i am in now. that's not life, to just sit in your chair all of saturday afternoon feeling tired and badly about yourself. that can't be life. 

but that is the situation i find myself in, unfortunately. and i've never been one to give up. but i just feel badly about myself, that some students - and who i am, but i can't help but acknowledge who i am. one could say that there will always be those who are dissatisfied. i don't know. i'm just tired. tired. i know my goal, but i'm tired, and feeling what may be dissatisfaction from others, and i have a game plan, but right now i'm just feeing tired and a little badly.