I could hear the gasoline calling out my name begging to be let out of its
prison. “Soon, just wait till the lights go out.” I whispered to it as if it was my child. The accelerant was currently located in the bed of my truck. As soon as I turned back to face my target, the lights automatically went out. It was as if the countdown had run out at the exact moment I had wished. “Let the fun begin.” I chuckled to myself.
Quiet as a mouse, but with the elation of a small child receiving sweets I dashed to the urgent whisper. With my five gallons of gasoline in hand, I hobbled across the street to reach my destination. It seemed to be an eternity before I finally reached my destination. Quickly I set to work and covered the small perimeter of the house with my gasoline. The process took far less time than the time I was forced to wait for this day. The final step....was to let the fire breath. With one stroke the flawless flame began to to flicker in the breeze. In awe of its beauty shining bright in my fingers, they refused to let it go. After a few moments of pure amazement my fingers gave in and I dropped the match to the ground. I jogged back to the front row seat to watch the home be engulfed in flames. An uncontrollable grin spread across my face that didn't quite reach my eyes, as the flames leapt feverishly devouring all near it. It wasn't long before the once peacefully sleeping family escaped the house shouting. For that brief moment, I was satisfied; but I also knew that the monster inside would soon appear again.
It was the past that would forever remain in my heart that lead me to set houses containing families aflame. Behind the quiet walls of my home a horrifying monster hid. The monster had the ability to stay hidden from the others. Once I set my eyes on him I could see the frightening resemblance to me. With his words he'd beat me and tear my confidence to bits like confetti. His words broke me and let the insecurity hidden within me grow like a flower. I'd hear all my flaws everyday and flaws that were non-existent too. He'd let me know how everything I did was wrong. Whenever I attempted to do something it'd be completely and horribly incorrect in his eyes. My mom, the only supporter I could've had, left me. She abandoned me all because she couldn't take it anymore. I don't really remember much about what she looked like or who she was and it sadden. My life without her to help me deal with the hell I lived in was like a shattered vase. The day she left was the day fire became my companion. Forever it too would accompany me to my grave along with the secret I lived with. Always I'll envy those girls who can speak so highly of their magnificent father's. I'll forever ask, “Mother, why did you abandon me?”
A very nice piece. Quite an intresting opener ofa line, I have never seen a piece begin with a sentence like that before. So as the sentences progress you begin to get the picture the the person is some sort of arsonist or just plain psychotic. Either way is grabbed my attention to make me read on.
The beginning of the second paragrpah really plants you further into the mind of this crazy person. I had a real good sense of wickedness and mischeiveness about this man, all because of the the first paragraph build up and the first sentence you used to paint the picture of this warped mind.
Change this.....I hobbled across the street carrying five gallons of gasoline. It seemed to be an eternity before I finally reached my destination.
To this..........With my five gallons of gasoline in hand, I hobbled across the street to reach my destination.
The above is just a guidance to cut out some unncessary words - its just my opinion, nothin more, nothing less.
Change this.....There was one final step to my procedure and that was let the fire breath
To this...........The final step...was to let the fire breath.
The reason for the above change is that I feel it adds more impact to the seriousness of the sentence itself. (Less is more).
Change this...... For that brief moment my needs were satisfied, soon I’d wish the monster to appear once more.
To this..............For that brief moment, I was satisfied; but I also knew that the monster inside would soon appear again.
I rally liked what you have written here and I honestly can see a piece which is worth continuing with. A person who writes on the dark side will always have my attention. The ending gave the reader a little glimpse into this mad mans past and had a tinge of sadness to it as well. Its obvious to me that the person you have created is an arsonist and a refreshing piece to have read. I would be great if you would continue this story with a kind of cat and mouse game between a detective trying to track him down and the arsonist teasing him along the way. But nevertheless, which ever you do take this story, please let me know and I would love to read more.
A very nice piece. Quite an intresting opener ofa line, I have never seen a piece begin with a sentence like that before. So as the sentences progress you begin to get the picture the the person is some sort of arsonist or just plain psychotic. Either way is grabbed my attention to make me read on.
The beginning of the second paragrpah really plants you further into the mind of this crazy person. I had a real good sense of wickedness and mischeiveness about this man, all because of the the first paragraph build up and the first sentence you used to paint the picture of this warped mind.
Change this.....I hobbled across the street carrying five gallons of gasoline. It seemed to be an eternity before I finally reached my destination.
To this..........With my five gallons of gasoline in hand, I hobbled across the street to reach my destination.
The above is just a guidance to cut out some unncessary words - its just my opinion, nothin more, nothing less.
Change this.....There was one final step to my procedure and that was let the fire breath
To this...........The final step...was to let the fire breath.
The reason for the above change is that I feel it adds more impact to the seriousness of the sentence itself. (Less is more).
Change this...... For that brief moment my needs were satisfied, soon I’d wish the monster to appear once more.
To this..............For that brief moment, I was satisfied; but I also knew that the monster inside would soon appear again.
I rally liked what you have written here and I honestly can see a piece which is worth continuing with. A person who writes on the dark side will always have my attention. The ending gave the reader a little glimpse into this mad mans past and had a tinge of sadness to it as well. Its obvious to me that the person you have created is an arsonist and a refreshing piece to have read. I would be great if you would continue this story with a kind of cat and mouse game between a detective trying to track him down and the arsonist teasing him along the way. But nevertheless, which ever you do take this story, please let me know and I would love to read more.
Wow, The first two lines, really dragged me in the story and didn't let me go. Such an interesting and technically very well written story. Keep up the great work!
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you liked it.
I'm a 16 year old writer/poet. I try to let myself be inspired by whatever or whoever is around me, so I’ll never know what I’m writing about till it’s done. more..