Bathtub Intruders, 3AM

Originally published in Christopher Pimental's Thug Works Magazine, October, 2007.

A facade crumbles
screams echo off
cool tile
perfect acoustics
amplify
yet no one answers..
I wonder
why you can't hear
these screams
miles away
or just downstairs..
larnyx constricting
fear tightens its grasp
nothing, no one,
not hate, nor love
just a
mouth full of nothingness
tongue carved out
no words can form

steam rises off the water
f r a n t i c a l l y eyes
strive to focus
something brushes against my skin
glancing down
I glimpse 8 small
heads floating on the water
dis-
connected
b r o k-
en
doll heads
staring up

through steam which
rises
between my legs
8 empty sockets seeing nothing
nakedness concealed
8 pairs of blue eyes flecked with grey
gone vacant
glazed over
eyes which once saw
beauty in the darkness
salvation in the flames
listlessly
stare me down
children
hearing,
never seeing.
8 heads bearing
c h i p p e d teeth
peeling skin
ghostly gaze
I am haunted
paralyzed a moment before
reaching out
I aim my lens
to capture these intruders
who inhabit my bathtub at 3 in the morning
focus
check aperture
make sure just enough light
gets through
careful hands
adjust shutter speed
don't blink too fast or they'll
d i s a p p e a r
Process now...
chemicals swirl
image
coming softly into focus
holding the picture at
arms l e n g t h.......


my own relection stares back

vacantly

Reviews

[Cdnsurfer]

Damn Amy! Good to see you back at it! Have a look at my "Splitting Atoms" for my take on these feelings, but I think I have a happyconclusion. You'll get there too. Let me see here.

Frack! That opening rocks. I love the whole screaming into the void and letting the void echo back. Calling out into the nothingness. I thought "larnyx constricting" to be "larnyx constricts" -- the verb form always a bit stronger than the gerund form. The next lines absolutely rock:

fear tightens its grasp
nothing, no one,
not hate, nor love
just a
mouth full of nothingness
tongue carved out
no words can form

I could feel that right to the bone, made my marrow quiver.

The next stanzas -- well, one word -- creepy. Absolutely loved it, though twisted. ;-)

through steam which
rises
between my legs ---> I looked at this and thought it would work better as:


steam rises

between my legs

- OR -

es
steam ris

between my legs

trying to kill the neutral "which", which is just a filler word. Crap! The visuals are so good in here, Amy!

eyes [] once saw
beauty in darkness
salvation in flames

Just trying to cut down on qualifers. Taking out the qualifer "the" makes it less concrete, more vague, more washed out. I hope that makes sense? Just a feeling.

my own [reflection]

This has to go the Chris, Amy! Or email it to me. This piece rocks. Loved it.

Rob

[J. Marc]

Haunting and obsessing even for the reader! Great poem indeed for the choice of the topic it is dealing with and the equally great courage of the writer in sharing this experience.

Needless to say, the ending makes the value of this poem: at least so it is for me, although the very last word is not so speaking (to me, that is), hence, slightly holding the emotional unravelling at the end. This poem has all the ingredients of a good story: intriguing, mysterious, personal and human. The form you gave it is also original. I am just wondering whether you really worked this poem for a long time or it came out sensibly, at once, in this form. In both cases, congratulations, for it is quite difficult to do.

Last but not least, I hope, if this poem is coming from a personal experience; that you are now, perceiving less obsessing themes! Thank you and best of luck!

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Definitely an unsettling tale but I very much like the flow and layout of this piece. It is truly rather creepy. What an interesting photographic image that may have been had it turned out the way it was expected to. Nice work.
Light,
Siddartha

[Pema Dorje]

wow, what a picture... your word enjambment is fractured yet appropo to this piece. You gave me the reader a psychological profile that insisted on feeling as well as imagery; contrasts and metaphor, the Poets resource. Then wham, the mirror of realization ...

A brilliant, if unsettling, write ...

[Jonah Hawthorne]

Surreal but pulling from the strength of 'power words' like love, hate and played out feelings like 'haunted' and distress about something odd yet mundane.

Good work otherwise.

[TL Boehm]

wow, I LOVE the bizarre, surreal place this poem takes me. It is truly an amazing write. It gave me chills - I actually had to turn around and check the room....
A wonderful dark piece - especially since you used such innocuous items as tiny doll heads - manipulated by your mind and pen to something horrific....macabre - threatening.
Well done