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THE BEGINNING

Today, I was attacked by sewer-dwelling bling-adorned rat terriers. They approached me in a very erotic manner so it was only natural for me to have reacted by stretching my body until it became so thin that it was invisible, and then after that, negatively measured in width, like a black hole, or a bath tub. I tried to view the situation with a detached, unbiased perspective, but ended up following a train of thought that led to areas of my brain that pertain mostly to eating potato chips and having sex, which is odd because I don't really like eating potato chips because every time I do they make me feel sick except I never actually puke, I just feel sick for a very long time.

One by one, the rat terriers advanced, but every time one got closer than five feet to my novel, light-swallowing body, they were sucked into the black hole, kind of like this one time when I tried sucking up ants through a straw, but they wouldn't come up unless I moved the straw very close to their bodies, sometimes lifting them up and manually placing them inside of the straw. The only difference was that ants taste better than rat terriers but that doesn't matter because this time, the rat terriers were going straight to my stomach and I didn't have to taste them.

One of the rat terriers was very clever though. before I had time to suck him into my stomach, he said, "you are so feminine looking that if one of us were to get pregnant, it would probably be you". Upon the exit of these words from his snout, my pants were removed immediately, reversing the effect of the black hole and sending everyone who had ever lived including you to a parallel universe in another dimension where nobody was allowed to say the word "schooner".

People who did say the word "schooner" were burned on spot, but sometimes forced to lick raw carp off the genitals of people with bad tasting pubes and then burned on spot. It wasn't long before the rat terriers and I became close friends, trusting each other with our most prized personal belongings and even sharing the same bed.

Sometimes when I was starving to death, the rat terriers would give me scraps of their food so that I wouldn't die but not too much because otherwise my stomach would overflow and I would have to clog it up with rubber cement. It always made me very happy when they did that and I would reward them by taking them shopping at the local Barnes and Nobles. One time when we were at the Barnes and Nobles, we encountered a group of lanky British pop singers who confronted us very unconventionally. There was one man who I remember particularly well for he told me a very funny and unusual joke about a chicken crossing the road. He said "why did the chicken cross the road" and I said "because a bomb was detonated to hit the spot he had previously been standing on" and he said "that is correct". It wasn't long before the British pop singer and I fell in love and had multiple children, the oldest one reaching the age of 5 before we had to eat him because of the economical crisis. The rest of the children were sold to some hairy Swedish men at the local Baptist Church so that we could pay our electricity bill. Except the stupid a*s-f**k electrician still wouldn't hook up our electricity, so we had to live in complete darkness for several months. I eventually caught an extreme case of night blindness and was put down at the local animal hospital. Which is total bullshit because they lied and said that they were "only going to put me in a coma". But that's ok because I sued them and now they're in Azkaban for disobeying the wizarding laws.

After I escaped from the zombies, I took refuge at a local Pizza Hut because one of my closer friends had once told me that pizza and zombie invasions were very good together. (He also told me that Russians are better looking than Italians so I don't know if I should really trust him with anything more than remembering birthdays and collecting lint, but I did anyways) It turned out he was right because as soon as I entered the Pizza Hut, a tall man with an even taller beard which contained several nesting birds, some which were of an endangered species, directed me into Pizza Hut's secret basement where I found all of my close friends and immediate family in hiding as well. My mom told me that they had been refuges there for the past fifty years and I asked her "how is that possible if just last Christmas we went on a holiday in Hawaii" so she told me to "shut the f**k up and quit with the dumb-a*s questions." It wasn't long after that when a young boy approached me and said "you smell so good that if it were legal, I would murder you on spot and use your body for air freshener in my car". I was flattered, so I gave him the password to my email account and let him look at all the gay porn that my friend, um, Mark, sent me one time.

Later that day, when all of us were dehydrated and sick with malaria, I received a phone call and was astonished to hear an oh-so familiar voice on the other end. It was the rat terriers! As it turned out, they had discreetly installed a tracker into my left arm one time when I was sleeping, but I didn't realize they had done this for I had been sleeping outside during a thunderstorm and in the middle of traffic and therefore didn't hear them when they cut into my tender flesh. They used the tracker to pinpoint my location and soon began their journey to come to Pizza Hut and save us all.

Minutes passed and half of us died from the common cold and AIDS but not a day later, my furry friends arrived to rescue everyone that hadn't yet buried their head in the ground in hopes of suffocating to death. Upon arrival, they greeted me with the routine demand that I procure a sample of my armpit sweat and put it in a sandwich bag so that they could bring it to the lab for testing. I did this right away and when I had finished, we all settled down for tea and discussion of politics. The discussion turned into a debate which turned into a fight which turned into a nuclear holocaust which resulted in the death of all present conservatives but that's ok because nobody likes them anyways.

THE END