Shhhh....

chapter 2

 

 “Bro… I think you might want to come see this.” Crawley’s called out, and in a flash, Alex appeared in front of the computer.

 

 “Oh no…” he breathed. The fingerprints lifted from the corpse had at least several million matches all across North America. And out of the million, at least twenty of them were psychopathic killers, some having been locked up recently. Then, there were the family pairs. “Crawley, can you delete all family pairs? I don’t think our victim had anything to do with a family feud…” Crawley didn’t speak, just nodded. About half the fingerprints disappeared. ‘Next, the psychopathic killers we’ve locked up recently.’ Another bunch disappeared, but a sizeable amount still remained. ‘
Now, those people over sixty years old.’ Three quarters of the remainder disappeared. ‘Okay… now print out that list. I’ll pass it to the headquarters, and they’ll see what they can do about it.”

 

            At the headquarters, Alex sat in front of the glowing computer screen, his eyes bloodshot and baggy. The cans of Nescafe littered the floor around him. Crawley popped his head around one of the computer screens, and looked for a while, then retreated fro a few minutes, returning with a bag of chips and yet more caffeine laden drinks. “Bro. got a minute?” Alex nodded wearily. “Seeing as you’re going nowhere fast, I though that maybe I should help…” Alex pushed himself up off the swivel chair and onto the nearby sofa. Crawley punched in a few keys and then looked at the computer quizzically, before clicking another few buttons. Then, he looked at Alex’s sleeping form in a queer manner, before walking away.

 

            The man was clean shaven, somewhere in his mid twenties. Strong, lean arms worked, with sinew roping down like thin patterns across his skin. His stomach was flat and trim, and he was in much better shape than those around him. Then again, assassins were not always renowned for their tubbiness. His one good eye looked cautiously around the room again before settling his hand on the butt of the semi automatic glock resting in the waistband of his Levi jeans. But the most eye catching thing about him was that the skin on his hand was a patchwork of browns, whites, pale yellows, and creamy complexion. The hand resting on his glock was covered in a leather glove, and the glock was loaded with the customary nine round magazine, as well as with the one explosive round in the chamber. Anyone challenging him would be in a lot of trouble. The trench coat covering most of the upper part of his body was a web work of shadow, light and grays, so common that it was near generic, but yet so uniquely positioned like a work of art. A man detached himself from a chattering group of people near the bar, and approached the assassin. “Patches. I’m Samuel…” The assassin gave him a smile devoid of all warmth and friendly intent, before beckoning for him to follow. If the man could track him, then they would discuss the price.

 

            The hotel was a Stamford, lavishly decorated and less lavishly staffed. The fat lady behind the counter had given Samuel the keys before directing him to “Patches”’s room. The minute he entered, he found a slim berretta cocked and ready to fire, pointed at his face. He raised his hands in supplication. “I’m not here to fight. I need you to help me kill somebody, fifty grand.” Said Samuel. Patches considered the deal for a while, then said, in a rasping voice. “Sixty grand.” Samuel seemed relieved that they had struck the deal. “Oh, and Mr. Samuel, I like to be paid on time.” Rasped Patches. Samuel left the room, with a sheen of sweat and a smug smile on the corner of his lips

Author's Note

er..... honest comments?

Reviews

[Nenorocit/Hitsuki Rei]

Erm, slight spelling error at the fro part. Retreated for a few minutes. But aside from appearing to be a spelling troll, the story is interesting. I didn't get the 'bro got a minute' part. I thought he was asking to join in, but it turned out he wanted to take over from Alex or something along that line. So I didn't really get that part.

The descriptions are complicated and long, which is to my liking (not sure how others might think. Perhaps a bit too lengthy?) However there were some contradicting (or not really fluid) parts, such as when you described patches, the hands part was unclear. So was his hand covered in the glove or not? Or was it only a single hand that was oddly colored?

Aside from that, it went well. I liked the part where he allows the gun to be pointed at him; it demonstrates his self confidence. Though it might have been a bit more interesting to add some way he could have avoided the gun, or some counter measure. Like when Samuel pointed the Beretta at him, (another spelling error, by the way) he could have perhaps opened his jacket to show grenades (unoriginal, I know, from The Dark Knight, but still better than raising his hands in 'surrender') instead of surrendering so easily.

The surrendering easily part kind of toned down the mood. Or perhaps when he went in, Samuel raised his gun, only to find a glock pressed on his neck. Adds to the ruthless image, which you appeared to be trying to portray?

EDIT.

Oh. It seems I misread that. So they entered patches's room and patches pointed the gun at him. Well, still seems a bit illogical to make it such that a person like samuel wouldn't have counter measures. I would think it a bit weird to go to patches room for the meeting, since it had been Samuel who set up the meeting, right?

But its your story, so your way is yours. My opinion only. I still think the joker ripoff (something like that) would have been more appropriate. And since chapter 1 is directly after, and this would be the last (at the moment) we see of patches, till after chapter 1, it might be nice to add more depth to his character, so he wouldn't get 'left behind' and forgotten.

And 60k for a life seems a bit small. The charges for getting caught seems to outweigh the risk. Oh and the Beretta part, you didn't mention anything about it earlier, so my quick scan (whoops, i should have read more in detail I guess before I started to type this) got me confused as I was under the impression patches merely had a Glock.

So overall for a rating, I would give it a 65+ out of 100. Its good, above passable, but I felt you could have made use of the lack of set plot line to add more content and deepen the depth of the characters, and perhaps add a tinge of irony to make it more interesting? Like how the hunter (samuel) turns into the hunted (from my misread part about samuel turning the gun on patches, only to find that he is being targeted)

Its not bad, but I've seen you write better, so I don't think this is you at your best.

Enough to make me want to see what comes next, so carry on, if you can.

Oh. The names were rather unoriginal? Or paired together weirdly. I keep seeing Alex as Alex Rider, partially due to the mention of Crawley, which kinda jelled the two together to Anthony Horowitz's Alex Rider series.

Oh and this wasn't an anyhow random review, so when you do rate my story, please take it seriously. Thanks. Oh and accept the buddy.

[Undying Glory]

hey, good thing i decided to drop by here. this chapter is good, nice buildup at the start, like the part where he finds out the fingerprints belong to the psychopaths. did you get inspiration from alex rider? just asking...anyway the pace of the story is good, keeps one eager to read on, so good job here