Kosher Hotdogs

A Story by Casner P

A continuation of my other writing piece "Hotdogs" (you may have to read that to understand the context of this piece). It's a yearly check in with myself, and how I essentially found myself again.

Kosher Hotdogs

It’s so crazy how you can read one of your old writings nearly a year later and you can feel the bitterness and venom literally seeping off the page. In my last installment Hotdogs (I legitimately just changed the title right now because I couldn’t stop laughing at my corny story about how I puked from an elementary school hotdog, I’m aware I’m lame) I sounded so bitter and confused. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reminisce about my nostalgic childhood or wag my finger at every person who “didn’t understand me”. I’m still not quite sure if anyone truly understands me 100% as we speak, the only difference is that I’m not angry about that anymore. After this summer it’s almost like I wear that s**t as a badge, the “old me” was so worried about fitting within society’s “box” and how I had to act, think, and behave like the other so-called “zombies”. Truthfully, there are two people who I credit with my current mindset, but before I give them props please let me f*****g tell you how good I feel compared to last March. I lost my virginity over the summer (albeit I didn’t cum or remember diddly-squat but zomg I became a man!!!) I had one of the best summers of my life, I passed my big boy exam in September (the dreaded MTEL) seeing the looks on my parents and sister’s face was one of the top 3 moments of my life, I got accepted to student teach and I’m currently student teaching at my old stomping grounds. Now I get it, you guys probably think this is boring as s**t, but let me tell you I have never felt this good OR comfortable in my own skin, and I love every waking second. So the two people I credit for me feeling this way? God of course. The only Being who will ever understand me inside and out, who carved the path for me to follow and took away certain things and people who were holding me back. The second person may come as a shock (s**t it’s a shock even to me) but I have to shoutout my former Jewish queen Sam Deb aka Samantha Deborah Sklar aka The Girl Who “broke” my heart aka The Girl Who Now Dates A Poor Man’s Harry Potter With A Crooked Tooth aka The Gal I Stroked To Way Too Many Times aka The Girl Who Didn’t Know Who I Was For 8+ Months (I guess it’s that BC education eh?). Ok enough corny nicknames, I really do thank her for being heartless and cold to me that week in March, because without that, the stage could never be set for one of the greatest comebacks in history (Besides that ‘02 Celtics comeback vs The New Jersey Nets). So once again folks, sit back and enjoy that s****y E.G. Lyons’ Elementary hot dog, and listen to me rant until I get the urge to go back to watching Season 1 of Love on Netflix.

I mean the world to so many people. No seriously I’m not trying to sound like this superior being, but a lot of people rely on me more than I think (and more than they think). For example, the role I play among my friends. I am the f*****g point guard of my friend group, so essentially I am the engine that everyone relies on. You need to laugh until you cry? I’m here! You need to legitimately cry your eyes out and vent? I’m here! You need to have fun and not stress about the big bad scary world? I AM HERE. Deep down inside I truly believe if my family or my friend groups didn’t have me their lives would be dramatically boring...and less insightful! But what happens when the person who people look to for happiness and advice all of a sudden gets his tiny little heart broken by a mean Jewish (Evil) Queen? Before you answer that though I have a quick question: What is your definition of being ‘mentally’ strong? For many people I think it truly varies and I have no idea if that’s good or bad. But remember all that bullshit I talked about in the first installment? You know being able to FEEL pain in order to eventually heal and learn from yourself? Well that’s exactly what I did, and ultimately how I defeated the wicked Jewish Queen. I went crazy for a day (or a week and a couple of days depending on whose account you believe...yeah it was definitely a week and a couple of days) and I began (or tried) to live my life again. Was every morning and night before I went to bed horrible? Yes. Did I feel like s**t for thinking about her romantically and sexually even AFTER she metaphorically stepped on my heart with her ugly sausage toes? Yes. Did this horrible experience strengthen my faith in God? Yes. Did my family and friends pick me up (even if they didn’t know the extent of how hurt I was?) Yes. Am I alive and ready to take the f*****g world by its balls? Yes. The kid who everyone relied on for their happiness and entertainment was finally broken, but was molded into something stronger thanks to The Man Upstairs and my lovely family/friends. So you’re probably asking what’s next right? As the great philosopher Stone Cold Steve Austin once said: “It’s time to raise hell” aka I’m tired as f**k and I want to watch s****y comedies on Netflix.

Kosher Hotdogs is what Eminem’s album Recovery is to The Marshall Mathers LP. On Recovery Em could not stop rapping about how happy he was and wait for it...how happy he was to RECOVER from his drug infused heyday (hit the nail on the head there!). His hardcore fans begged and pleaded him to return to that drug infused atmosphere where he delivered hit after hit after hit, but Em couldn’t do it and s**t I don’t blame him! How do you go back to being the person you once hated and couldn’t stand? The answer is you can’t, once you do you lose yourself and the process resets in motion. So is Kosher Hotdogs better than the original Hotdogs? Probably not. A lot less funnier, quirky, angsty, and less swearing (Thank God) but truthfully I could care less, I’m not that angry and confused boy I was in the first installment of Hotdogs...I’m f*****g happy! And no one can take that away from me, not even The Wicked Jewish Queen. So to my imaginary audience (and to whoever might accidentally read this and think I have severe issues) I will never write anything like Hotdogs again because I can never go back to the self-loathing, angry, angsty person I was when that was written. Kosher Hotdogs is all about climbing that f*****g mountain again even if you think you have nothing left. It’s about positivity and being thankful for the people in your life. It’s about being aware that you are currently not where you want to be, but you’re not (and will never be) where you used to. As I reach the end of this crazy a*s writing, I almost tear up because I know at one point there was a time where I could never write about this. I’m on the f*****g upswing man, and I’m loving every single moment.