the morning

           i watched the sky grow lighter through a slit in my curtains

                            the air in the room was thick like ice

              and my blankets were doing nothing

i laid there

remembering those cold nights when id lay alone watching his beautiful face

               peaceful and drunk in his comatose dreams

   sometimes i would watch him laugh

         i was always suspicious that he was only playing the part

                      i was always suspicious that he was up

i was out of cigarettes but thier smell still lingered in the air

                  i could hear my moms alarm ring in the other room

                              could hear her pushing snooze

      i shut off my light it was no longer needed as the sky grew lighter and lighter

from black to gray to pure sweet blue

as my tears smudged the ink

i shut my journal away

picked my book back up and struggled to finish these words

                     the words held so much pain

              induced so many memories

         stunningly clear

              had this man stolen my memories?

           manufactured them to fit his story?

              i could hear the world awaken through the glass

as my mother and brother left the house

           i rose from my bed

picked up my radio and hit her shower

        i sat on the bench in her shower

             and watched the glass fog up

i watched the tiny ringlets from stains appear

                                   i wanted to write out my pain on these foggy doors

             with my wet fingertips sliding across the surface

              dripping with steam

    my hairs falling out

                             im too stressed

as i got out i dressed quickly

gazed into the bare fridge

the almost empty cabinents

               i decided on making tuna with noodles

    though my stomache craved country fried chicken biscuits and gravy

i ate quickly

                    hungry hungry hungry for more

this unquenchable desire is never filled

   cigarettes movies alcohol company drugs love food sleep books sensation music

                                these are my addictions

i can never get enough

                         i will never be normal

           my life will consist of cravings

days with no sleep

 my life will consist of hunger

frantic writings

                  my life will consist of need

movie marathons in the dead of night

     my life will consist of unfulfillment

reading till my eyes burn

       my life will consist of desire

drawing till my ink is dry and blisters cover my fingers

                           my life will consist of disapointment

and lovers who will never understand.