........................

so we scratch the glitter off our arms

 wipe all colors from our face

  disallusioned lost in space

   we cant comprehend the harm

    that we've inflicted on ourselves

     and our hearts have fallen off the highest shelf

      shattering peices

       ihope i wont cut myself

        drugged up an dirty

         gorgeous and glittering

          crying girls clinging to the sink

too much to drink boys hugging toilettes.

                         the circles under colorful eyes dark as ink

                        all the girls dream to be the next skanky starlette

all the boys bet who will make it to a bed

all the virgins hope it will be them

                  theyre drugged up and new

                  dont know the harm they could do

       they havent seen whats to come next

       never woken up wondering what the hell did i do?

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

lose it all when it wont hurt you

but dont wake up

cause memories will haunt you

so drink some more

smoke some more

swallow a little

and dont come back to this world

                 

---------------------------------

disallusion the harm we've inflicted on our hearts

shattering peices

i cut myself drugged up

crying clingging to boys

the next skanky starlette

who will make it to a bed

all drugged up

dont know whats to come next

woken up wondering what the hell did i do?

Reviews

[Alessander]

a very, very unique and interesting format. I too have been experimenting as of late, which is why the "title' drew me in, but the content and format kept me reading. The first line itself is a great "hook":"so we scratch the glitter off our arms" it sets up the theme, of disillusionment with glamor, pr superficiality, or the pain they entail. I thought the imagery up until "skanky starlette" was very strong, and presented the reader with a more visceral experience. I think after that, the tone became a little editorial with loaded words (i.e. skanky starlette) and less imagery, and in the second part switching to the second person. The second person is always dangerous to use because it can see presumptuous - the reader can automatically think you're addressing them, but I think here it seems like the speaker perhaps is talking about the "party ppl"

You get bonus points for level of difficulty and creativity for the last part, looping the words back from the bold in the first part, and the refrain "woken up..." which again, reinforces the disillusionment aspect.

The whole poem is italicized, but I think if the the whole poem were not, and the first part instead of bold, but italics (for the words that reappear later), may make it more subtle. Just a thought. The second part maybe introduce a few more images, and switch from second person, back to first, or maybe even third, and continue the rhyme...maybe, just minor suggestions/possibilities.

Regardless, I found this piece creative and original.

[roy mccarthy]

very cool write,
i liked the flow too,
familiar scene to me!

[EMMIE]

WOW. AMAZING STYLE! SO SO SO TRUE. I LOVE YOUR THOUGHTS. I THINK THIS COULD TURN INTO A DEEP AND POWERFUL SONG, BUT IT IS JUST AS POWERFUL AS A POEM. THIS IS GREAT WORK.

[Donald Meikle]

Is it Monday again?
what's your name?
You smell good!

[Antonio Valentino]

geeez this was absolutely stellar... this needs to listened to live.. you have a future as a beat poet... amazzzzinggg...

lose it all when it wont hurt you

but dont wake up

cause memories will haunt you

so drink some more

smoke some more

swallow a little

and dont come back to this world

Fantastic job.
:)

[Eagle Cruagh]

Very different style .
The moral of the story is
kind of heartbreaking, but true
I`m sure. I just hope and pray
that you are spared the mess you
describe.
----- Eagle Cruagh

[Bard Constantine]

Hi, Brianna. When I return to the Cafe after long jaunts in the Dying Fields, it's always a pleasure to return to your words. You capture that grit of living, and record it in unapologetic poetics. Loving this...

[blurredlines]

Goin through...
I can see you.
Different.
Better.
Happier and more in tune.
I think you're pretty damn amazing.

Just so ya know.
And in case I never tell you in person.
=)

[.]

dark and haunting..read the hidden message..but nice that you included it in the end..although don't think it needed it..powerful perceptive poem

[Doug Ordunio]

Interesting piece with a variety of possibilities. But you really need to just clean it up. I'll send you some obervations