long lost

to you, for now.

long lost

I starting running, my feet barely touched the ground, it felt like I was flying and I didn’t stop till it felt like my lungs had been burnt to ash. I finally reached the sand, the cold water surging over my knees, circling my waist. I screamed at the sea, sending a bolt of lightning and roll of thunder out over the water. As tears burned down my cheeks I couldn’t stop replaying what felt more like a nightmare than reality.

The fire in my eyes and hatred under my breath curled into something sickly sweet at the mention of her name. A curse under my lips, “she’s the best”, I said, the grimace barely passing as a compliment through my teeth. It sent hot tears from my eyes

I bore my gaze into her back until it bit, like a razors edge, never faltering, even when she turned to face me. In that same moment I turned, almost gliding on the air, anger only building in my chest and I walked away only to return moments later, circling my prey, a wicked smile crossing my lips.

“That she even had the audacity to be here!”, my thoughts raged on and before I knew it, I was downing a drink before I even realized it was in my hands. Somewhere, mentally at least, I seemed to take note, that it was easily the fourth of the afternoon but not nearly enough to get me through this. 

“This bar, this boy,” I though, “have been marked by my mind, well before she had ever made it here, and even more before we had become friends and just as swiftly drew apart. When she was there, draped over his shoulders even the universe seemed agree that it was off. Somehow she was just wrong, darkness in everything that she did, everything she touched. What was supposed to be wartime in her smile never reached her eyes, her facade crumbling only to the min  of someone who knew better. Was I right for him? No, but surely she was worse, a poison without a cure.

“Cora,” the words dragging like sharp ice across my chest, “Do you still hate me?”.  I had nearly made it through the gates when her question caught me, as if by surprise. I had seen her at the party, just as she’d seen me but I thought she would’ve know to keep her distance, clearly she was just as dumb as she had been when we last spoke two days ago. Well, it was more like screaming, riddled with anger and curses and I never even let her piece together an apology before leaving along a cold breeze.

“That you even have to ask is reason enough” I shot back, I could feel the tears building behind my eyes, daring my voice flatter as my body swung to face her. After all we had been friends. No, sisters, thick as thieves, it a long time ago yet her voice still brought it all back in waves; us together growing up, gossiping about what boys we fancied, lavish parties and then two nights ago my world, everyone that I cared about seemed to fall apart. In an instant.

“I’m not as drunk as you think I am” I called a bit too loud, stumbling through the sentence, not as convincing as I wanted to be. Even with that statement I felt my vision blur, the room rocking like a boat. “Leave it to you to come home drunk, armed with a temper and broken heart, in the middle of your parents gala,” my mind sneared. Heads turned, but with a quick look at my face, even my own mother backed away. I pushed forward, stealing a bottle, dragging it behind me as I forced my body up the last stairs. Slamming and locking my door with a flick of my wrist, lights shuttering out in my wake. I somehow found my bed in the vast room but couldn’t bring my self to lie down, knowing very well that once I did I wouldn’t get up again. I still had one last thing to do before I could give my self over to sleep, the luring dark. As I clumsily found the floor I heard a noise, a sob breaking with a breath and it took me a moment to realize I made it. I could feel it, my heart, splintering, the beat faltering for a second, before dragging on. It was worse than anything I’ve ever felt before, no broken bones or bruises could match this pain, it was raw and fresh. I knew it would dull, with time but lingering as long as it could. I didn’t know how long I had been in a pile on my floor, continuing to drown my mind and heart till the beats were shallow and airy. I gathered what strength I had left and pulled my body up. I knew where he would be, a memory and will to go was it would take to bring me right to him and with a breath and a long sip, I went.

What was left of my hear broke again as I whispered, “Do you love me, did you ever love me?”, the words nearly getting caught in my throat, sounding more like a beg than a question. He knew I’d been drinking, that much was obvious and before I’d just appeared, following him down the street, he was too. He stopped, turning at the sound of my voice yet instead of an answer I felt a warmth wrapping around my arm, another hand finding my cheek. It was familiar, too much like home, and with it, more tears escaped my pooling eyes. He found himself wiping them away on instinct, never pulling his sea blue eyes away from my own chocolate ones, deep with sadness. I took in a breath, shaking under his touch, taking in his sandy hair, looking silver under the moonlight. His freckles danced across his cheeks, like constellations. In that moment I decided I didn’t want to know anymore, maybe someday but certainly not now. I pulled my arm back, turning my face away almost like we were dancing, retreating a few steps before disappearing altogether. In the night, he could still smell my hair on the wind and feel my tears on his hand, his own burning in his eyes, nearly shocking him as much as my visit.

My eyes flickered shut as I let the near boiling water lick the burns across my body, my head slipping below the surface.  As if the heat could stop the pain ripping through my mind, my heart, but no drink or body could fix that.  Tears spilt down my face; I let them fall, becoming as much of my surroundings as they were myself. He would come find me but for now I was cold and lonely and no matter how hot I made the water, my fists growing tighter, heating and reheating, the goosebumps never left my skin. 

With a broken heart, I left my body, finding it sinking deeper and deeper into the steaming water, till it grew cold. With every memory, kiss, touch it broke even more, shattering over and over again.

As much as my heart broke to say it, I left him with a proposition, a fact; ‘Love me first’ I said. I left it floating on the wind, surrounded by tears and a million other feelings. I told him, without regret, that I wasn’t and would never be second choice, and with that I went on. 

At this point I don’t know what more I could say of do. My heart is leaving and at this point I’m compelled to follow it. 

Even he couldn’t fix it, fix me. He was a band-aid over permanent fractures, tear that would forever cross my eyes. I knew he wasn’t forever but my heart couldn’t understand

He don’t love you he’s just lonely, he wasn’t once upon a time, I remember him in sunlight, he was mine.