My Box

struggle

SOmetimes I can't breathe
I don't even close my eyes yet
I cannot see
I'm scared and unaware
Of what I'm saying, doing or hearing
Going through the motions of
Life.
A never ending journey, I want too stop
But I can't stop it if I tried
I wish I could control my pain stricken mind.

I feel sick and unprepared
For the steps I'm about to take
And maybe if I could wake from this nasty dream
I could get out
I could run away
I could get out
I could fly away ay ay ay

Run with me, but please walk
Fly with me, don't soar
I don't really want you there
But I want you to linger
I don't really want you there
But its nice to have you wrapped around my finger

Uncontrollable words slip out my mouth
I try to catch them but they slip out
I try to stab with my fury
But I'm blinded by what I don't want to see
You
I cannot control how I feel
It runs and runs away onto long wheat fields
I do not catch my feelings
I let them run free
But, pay for the consequences later

I never try as hard as I should or can
And if you were really a man you'd be taller
as if you could, as if you would grow-ow-ow
For me.

I don't know what I am saying
I just type the words that pop into my random head
But they make perfect sense to me
There is not an ounce of random in them

Lie to me, Lie to me
Tell me the truth
Talk to me, talk to me
But sit here in silence
Follow me, follow me
Please run away-ay-ay

I will warn you about me
I'm neither stable nor normal, in fact I am a/in pain
A pain that I do not wish to bear with anyone
I'll slap you away and punch your insides out
I'll kick you profusely, and want you to please get out of my house
But 
The minute our eyes connect
I will not deny a single ounce of you, you, you
I will embrace every single blink of you, you , you
I have no strength to be repulsed by any action you do
I will not make an attempt to run away from you (I will, I will)
This fear is taking over me(I will, I will)
Why won't it let go of me? ( I will, I will)

WHy can't I face it iin the eye. 
I'm consumed with a fear, I sometimes try to deny
But it snaps and crushes my soul
I don't understand the dangers of losing this battle
I will not fly, or soar, or run.
Because maybe my days are almost done. 
Can you feel it? Can you feel it? Can you feel it-it-it?

I'm numb, I can't feel it.

I will lastly say this
My heart thumps loud
But I'm not proud to be alive
I've done horrible horrible things
I will pay with my heartstrings
And soon when my days are done
I won't know what to say
I will keep paying for my regrets every single day-ay-ay-
Even till the end
When I no longer have time to bend
But my biggest regret
I have blocked from my head
Though I can't pin point it exactly
I know something is wrong
Yet, I don't know what it is.
I live with trying to remember every day
But my brain decides it must be put away until
In a box where my body will lay, 6 feet under 
one day

I feel sick and unprepared
For the steps I'm about to take
And maybe if I could wake from this nasty dream
I could get out
I could run away
I could get out
I could fly away ay ay ay