September 15, 2011 9:57 PM

The point of view of a teenager. More of a letter to myself.

September 15, 2011

“You swept me off my feet, to take me from my apathetic state.

Then you take it all away.”

                Instead of doing my homework I decide to push it aside…feels like a Friday today. I’m thinking, my point of view of life will be much different in the future. I’m a teenager now, I have conflicting emotions all the time, nothing seems right to me. I have “friends” but I decide I rather be alone, all the time. The irony though, I feel completely alone, but the only real reason is because I chose to. I want to read this ten years from now and look back to see my exact thoughts, my writing. I hope to be better then, maybe not feel confused and alone, I wish to be someone in life by then. I want to read this and remember that this was just a phase, and not the rest of my life. I want to know then that everything did turn out okay, that I’m not alone.I soon hope to feel nothing again because I’m really hurt right now for stupid teen reasons. Not caring once again works to my favor, that’s what I need…not to care not to feel. I need to find something to breathe for, I have no faith in anything. The shadows creep up behind me, it’s just the cycle, but now it’s something that doesn’t change the cycle plays backwards on repeat. The record is old and scratched, it’s not turning correctly. I’m believing in nothing that holds anything real, should I give in, should I just turn to steel? The government is busy playing mind tricks, the optical illusions don’t fool everyone. Rome the great fell, gravity will catch on soon enough, everything that goes up must fall. I’m fucken tired of being asked, “what do you want to be?” I have no idea, I don’t really think I have any real use. They make us believe we can do just about anything…make our heads go up above the clouds. Now I’m just about to die from the fall, nothing ever is guaranteed, nothing is said to be true. The sky could just be an illusion, my life could just be from a book. Everything in life leaves a scar, I lost ten pounds, dark circles, my eyes seem to fade to no emotion. I have no spirit, all my cloths have no color. I let everyone escape my life, or leave them to the side. I care for no one, I try and pretend to care…my listening exists my psychoanalysis do too; but the feeling of caring in return is lacked. They made my heart iron, they took it out…chemical reaction…it rusted away…there’s nothing left. Am I just robotic, programmed to do certain things. I’ve always tried to be every ones favorite but I’m dead tired, I don’t care for it anymore. My anger is my best friend. I walk in the ashes of my past, torn cloths and a lack of love. My skies are forever gray, and streaks of sunshine sometimes do dare come through.Fitting in was never the thing for me, I never did care. Now it’s just time to push them down, those others who tried to push me.My broken dreams like the clouds from above, all so empty and knowing they’re to high and unable to grasp. I won’t bleed, it’s time to heal these scars, I’m falling by myself. I don’t rely on anyone else. My insecurities will be hidden and everything else will fade. I’ll follow the dirt road and fall on my knees, but it’s part of life.

I need to find myself.

I need to get into the light.

I need to be the one, or I’ll won’t ever get out of this phase.

I can do this on my own.

Nothing will break me anymore.

Sincerely,

Charlie.

p.s. I need to get my life together,then will I know what to do.

Reviews

[Jupiter Jazz]

This very much felt like a journal entry and towards the middle, felt like a rant. Emotions are strong throughout and reminds me of when I was a teenager. I preferred to be alone all the time too