The loss

a short story about depression.

Lindy felt the early tugs, her womb becoming tidal and loud, the fetus turning, crying out,a small beast, he calls to her, telling her to come near. I dream of knowing him, this baby boy who has just come to us, i dream of reading him bedtime stories, of talking to him, to watching him grow up. He does not grow he stays the exact same. As days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months i hold him in my lap, i hold him close i look into his eyes with a glimmer of hope that there might be some movement, just a little, all i see is a blank stare, there is nothing there, a hollow body wishing to have a soul to fill it. Everything is falling apart, i am losing hope, i am numb, even that razor blade being dragged across my pale, fair skin leaves no feeling, no pain, just the crimson red that is flowing in my veins, such a curious thing blood is, what makes it red?, how does it flow so smoothly?, i am left fill millions of questions that have no answers. shift this beautiful boy in my lap his body so limp, his arms and legs are like noodles, his bones so soft they could be made of feathers from dead birds. He should be ten now, he should be outside playing with his friends from school, he should be going to school, but what is he doing, he is lying limp in my lap the size of a newborn. He is dead, he does nothing but eat and s**t, he does not talk, he does not see, he does not learn. Nothing he does nothing at all, he died before i even got a chance to say goodbye before i ever got a chance to see his small lifeless beautiful little face. He is as dead as my best friend, his mother.

“What do i even have to live for” i wonder “my best friend, my only friend is dead, this beautiful baby boy i am supposed to be taking care of is brain dead, i have no family, no friends, maybe i should just end all of this pain no one would notice let alone care, they would throw a f*****g party because i f*****g killed myself so i think it's time to die and say goodbye, they won’t cry”. I close my eyes and hope for piece.

That's when i took my life and it never got better it just made that emptiness and numbness last forever.

Author's Note

please be easy on me, i'm new at this.

Reviews

[raj24]

a kid is always special and for a mother it means a lot more, through your story i felt the pain and i wished something could be done to heal the child but its all gone. i just pray for strength and speedy recovery from this moment. keep writing, it helps to ease yourself and share your thoughts. keep writing n reading, its a beautiful space to be in.

[Cookee korczynski]

thank you i appriciate it

[Chris]

We were ALL new once... and we ALL have flaws - they make us human. Can you "speak"more of the person?

[Coyote Poetry]

You put a lot into the story. You made me wish to know and read more. You create sad situation and terrible decisions to be made. A powerful write. Remember add the who, what, where, when and how to every situation. Make the reader believe and see. Thank you Cookie for sharing your words and story.
Coyote

[barleygirl]

I have been depressed for half my life. I work hard to stay upbeat, tho. When I saw your profile statement about depression, I was a little reluctant to dive into your writing, I must confess. But I was pleasantly surprised in a bit of an unpleasant way. That is, your writing & your creativity is off the charts, but I can honestly say that I would not enjoy a steady diet of this kind of writing. I do understand, tho, becuz you've told us you are writing for your own sanity, to get it on the outside, to relieve the inner pressure. With that goal, I'm glad you can be creatively crafty with your writing, & not just a dark rant. The baby in your story can be interpreted as a number of "dead" things we all must deal with. It's pretty hard to read this font, so maybe a different font would be better? (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie