Trapped

 

Ninth floor: At the last moment she snuck through the door

                        and like in the movies,

they close behind her. Headed to the same place

                        in this steel cage; down

to ground level, the sound—silence.

Eighth floor: The reflection of my face in the mirror

                        on the wall impales

            her judgment, makes her wonder

Seventh floor: She looks again, turns and in turn,

                        I look past her. Eventually,

            her whole body turns to face me and the past.

Sixth floor: I consider climbing through the tiny windows of her eyes

                        to embody the being I desire most

            to kill. But I can’t—I would need to be much smaller.

Fifth floor: Would she scream if I told her how I never

thought of murder until now?

I’d let the stubble on my chin drag across,

            mutilate her sensitive skin.

Fourth Floor: I believe that I can kill her with my mind

when her face turns red

            does she see the words inscribed

                        inside my skull?

Third floor: Have the escaped my brain to invade

                        this deafly enclosure

            there’s a tear duct explosion that washes

                        her windows.

Second floor: It seems she knows, seeing it in my head

                        those lingering last words

First floor: She said, “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

Reviews

[savesthedaynj]

ok, so I am probably the WORST critic ever simply because I never remember what I said about a poem the first time. There's def new stuff, I at least noticed that. I'm just going to critique by floors:

First, I like that the floors are there this time around. It gives it a nice "chapter" feel.
8th: "wall impales her judgment" - I really like "impale" rather than "impair". Kudos on that
7th: "turns and in turn" I really like the sound of that with the repetition.
6th: I do remember liking the "most/to kill"
5th: I still like the mutilating stubble BUT... you're copping out with "sensitive" you could use porcelain, milky, picturesque, or impeccable... something more descriptive than "sensitive"!
4th: "words inscribed inside my skull" = fantastic!
3rd: Do you mean "Have they escaped"? and I like the word "deafly".
as for the words "tear duct explosion".... I'm still mulling it over. I'm not sure how I feel.

So yeah... I think the last lines are the same(?). The last line ends it nicely. That's about it ( I don't think there's anything else to even talk about) I like the revisions. Fabulous job, AJ!