The Water's Rising

500 words group. Title given.

He stands on the jetty, scanning the horizon, a hand above his pale eyes to remove the discomfort brought by the flickering glare that dances from crest to crest along the waves. It has been thirteen days since... Thirteen days have passed without.

The first time his eyes met hers, he'd scanned a horizon. Light flickered from the streetlamp, dancing within eyes of fine jade. Days passed and she was always there, filling life with laughter. Once, they'd stood on this jetty, watching an orca and her calf gliding in circles as the young one practiced his maneuvers with joyful grace.

He stood at her bedside, the last time his eyes met those eyes still made of fine jade. The lines around them that had formed in their years together told a story... the story of the laughter they'd created and the tears that had been shed. Brave, she was. Her words comforted his pain... "I'll be swimming with the orcas. Perhaps if you stand on the jetty you will see me there, a new calf..."  Shortly after, the glimmer left the jade eyes.

The first day he was able to make it out onto the jetty, he scanned the horizon. He watched as a new orca calf practiced her maneuver, with graceful freedom and joy. On Sundays he would walk the few miles, increasingly slow, increasingly difficult to accomplish. How many Sundays had passed? He did not know. He only knew that every day the calf was there, growing; finally one day bringing her own calf into the bay to practice.

It has been thirteen days without sight of his orca. There were others, but she never came anymore. He knew her patterns, he knew her by name. Thirteen days have passed without the sparkle returning to his eyes, and he knows why. The water has been rising. The tide is new... time is coming for all to migrate to a better place.

As he steps from the jetty, it seems not that he is falling, but that the waves are rising to meet him. Deep within the sea, he knows there are jade eyes watching.

Reviews

[ettorney]

Very nice imagery and a lovely story. I enjoyed reading it. A bit of constructive criticism. This line: "Brave, she was." Please, Constance, no Yoda from Starwars. Say it like it is. She was brave. The words are powerful enough without syntax messing you are. (lol)

Also, and this is a pet peeve of mine as a writer and editor easy on the ellipsis. Correct: It has been thirteen days since... Thirteen days have passed without.
Incorrect: Perhaps if you stand on the jetty you will see me there, a new calf..." Shortly after, the glimmer left the jade eyes.

Okay, the second is technically correct but finishing the sentence for the reader, in this instance complete the imagery adding emotional content for the reader.

One final thing. Eyes. You use this word 8 times in this short story. three in the 3rd paragraph alone. Please find another way to express it either through simile or by analogy or simply find a synonym.

Otherwise it is a very clever story about love. Well done.

[cartera]

A sad story that appeals on the emotional level. It is difficult to convey an emotion to a reader about someone or something that has not been described in any great detail. The ellipsis are fine by me, you do not overdo it, although I think that on occasion you might use a colon to get you out of that charge.
I enjoy the word 'without' in works like this when it can clearly have its old-fashioned meaning: 'outside' as this person now feels.
Re eyes: just once for me it was clumsy: ' . . .his eyes met those eyes ...'
Brave, she was. The comma indicates to me that 'Brave' just might be the answer to a question the narrator is asking himself as well as being definitive. Well done.
Alex.

[M.a. Benjamin]

I am a big fan of short stories, and as a result must give you a great deal of credit for a story well written. Awesome story. I enjoyed how descriptive it was.

[Francez]

Very well-penned! I love the imagery and the beauty of the words you've chosen. The ending is sad, yet perfect--it leaves a mark in your reader's heart, it gives them something to think about, a melancholic feeling that stays behind.

'It has been thirteen days since... Thirteen days have passed without. '

I would suggest leaving out the last sentence, because it sounds awkward. You've successfully aroused the curiosity with the first sentence, and the second doesn't really need to be there.

I also agree with one of the reviewers here that you use the word 'eyes' a bit too often.

Overall, great writing!

[Bette]

wonderful and so sad! you are a great story teller, well done

[just rose.]

This is stunningly gorgeous. I don't know what else to say about this but that it speaks to me on a level beyond words, is beautifully penned, has pitch perfect diction and moves me to my soul.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

WOW... again you leave me in awe with your delivery and creativity... to me this speaks of how when loved one passes we can still hold them in our heart while moving on to love another.

[Ed Hart]

deep, sad, wise...whatever you reach for, you make it yours...