What I Wish I'd Always Known About Love

Yes, I'm getting a little philosophical and psychological, talking about that thing we all crave. Love love love.

I have never known someone who did not want, or dream about, or fret over LOVE. The need of it is deep within us all, starting with the need to be loved by our parents, and our young friends. Then, one day, thoughts turn to romantic love, and we are never quite the same again, as we go through phase after phase, simply learning what it takes to own that kind of love. I don't care if you are straight or not, ugly or pretty, male or female... for most of us, that cycle seems to have the same steps we must follow before we find what it was we knew we wanted, but couldn't quite identify it properly.

 

Most of us, at first, confuse lust with love, and try to find it in intercourse, all throughout our teens and early twenties. We think that when we sleep with someone and feel the right connection, we will have found a love that is real. We expect those first lust-loves to last forever, and they rarely ever grow and stay. They instead go out with a nasty argument, a bit of infidelity, or quiet whimpers of remorse. Then we repeat. Again and again, we make the same mistake, because "our hormones made us do it". Some people will never in their lives get past this first phase, as though their hearts are stuck on autopilot and doomed to crash land. For a while, I probably seemed to be this type. At 23, I married a sexy man who wasn't very kind and didn't even speak the same language. Literally. It took him, and the beating he gave me, to figure out that sex wasn't worth the trouble (after many other torrid affairs up to that point), and that it often has nothing to do with love, the emotion we crave.

 

One day, some of us discover that sex and love are not as interconnected as we had hoped and believed. We decide that sex, while it can be a physical way of expressing our feeling for another person, is not a way to make anyone love us, and does not build it if the love is not already there before we begin the foray into the physical. All during my tawdry years of high school, I had a best friend who was male. We spent all of our time together, but were never sexually attracted. Looking back on those times, I loved him, with an honest, real love. Yet, he was not "hot" enough for me, so I sought sex and romance with everyone else. I think that the real issue is that he was too familiar, and I wanted excitement. I did not need physical intimacy from him in order to love him. Not at all. That relationship should have taught me a valuable lesson, but unfortunately, that lesson came much later. I had many heartbreaks left to go.

 

Somewhere finally, we start to define what love is to us, yet it eludes as to where we can actually find it. We become seekers, actively hunting in others' eyes for that thing we need. Though we have come to understand that sex and love are different entities, unless the love comes first, we sometimes will revert back to phase one, out of desperation and loneliness. Even the most physically attractive people sometimes feel desperate and alone, because again, physical attraction has little to do with the emotion called love. We start to find fault in ourselves, and wonder if we deserve or will ever find a close, loving relationship with someone. Some of us, out of frustration or fear of rejection, simply give up, and begin to push every opportunity away from ourselves. The problem at this time is that we put this search above finding who we ourselves really are, which makes it impossible for us to open our heart to something as complex as romantic love in the right way.

 

Yes, I'm going to go back to that old platitude that most of us have heard, and that some probably don't want to believe is true, yet it is. To find love, first, we must love ourselves. To love ourselves, we must know ourselves, and it takes giving up on romantic love sometimes to find who that person is. Most, in High School or College, learn the social and pshycological theories of a man named Abraham Maslow. He created this wonderful little pyramid chart he called the "Hierarchy of Needs". Here is a photo of his chart, for those of you unfamiliar with his theories:

 

 

 

I see something wrong, here. Supposedly, we are supposed to need the steps below to get to the top step. Yet, how can we love and respect if we do not have morality, the ability to solve problems, and a lack of prejudice, or the ability to accept facts? We cannot. So, the pyramid should indeed end with true love at the apex, because it is, in it's true form, the hardest thing to attain, and the thing we all seem to strive most for, and it seems to me that we must be self-actualized (self aware, confident, and comfortable in our own skin) before we can meet the expectations of a lover for longer than the few minutes it takes to have sex. We must realize that we don't need love to be worthy individuals, before we can have it.

 

I have always traveled through life not only learning from my own mistakes, but as an observer learning from the mistakes and successes of others. I learned many things without ever experiencing them for myself. Yet, I adamantly rejected what the old folks told me about loving myself first, and then love would find me...until I saw it for myself. Yes, just when we give up, focus on us... it has a way of falling into place. Much like everything else, love is always in the last place you look.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Not sure why I felt like writing this today. It just started writing itself. Hope some of you at least thought more about things because you read this. You don't necessarily have to agree with me. I just want you to think. :)

Reviews

[angelinmypocket]

True to life and shows a lot of wisdom about life itself. Unfortunately, I think we are all destined to make our own mistakes in order to learn from them...and until they are made, we will not learn. It's in the realization of who and why we are that we begin to learn our own self worth.
Love/liz/angelinmypocket

[Windsong]

This is so heartfelt, and I definately agree with your beliefs.

[Oxonian]

Hi Constance,
Guess this is thought provoking and personal. I will start by saying is that I am a Trainer (helping unemployed people back into mainstream employment) and have used Maslow's theory. At one interview I was asked to demonstrate this using a vase a different sized stones�.Anyway that is another story.
A long time I came to the realization that love is not all that it is cracked up to be. Love changes and the search for love can consume if allowed to do so. The example of your high school friend illustrates this perfectly. Though you loved him � it wasn't the right type of love. And if you had slept with him you might have ended up not loving him and losing someone important.
'Even the most physically attractive people sometimes feel desperate and alone, because again, physical attraction has little to do with the emotion called love.'

I ask you this, how often have you got to know someone you initially didn't find physically attractive and ended up either liking or loving them regardless? I think the problem is that love is constantly changing. The person you love today is not necessarily the person they will be the next day. Can you love someone unconditionally?
Could go on forever, but I won't. Thank you for your post. Different from the norm.

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

And you are asking me for my POV. Thanks for writing this piece, it's very ispiring. Yes loving one self may attract that out side love, but how does one beging to love themselves? How do you know you love yourself when you say you do? Uhmmmm? You really hve me pondering.

[jmt8921]

I think this is a universal experience. I've often wondered what the difference was between having a close friend you feel comfortable with, like for who they are, and love, and being "in love", is. It seems like they should be the same, but most people look for something more. A sexual excitement maybe. Seeking out the unknown, and ending up with someone who will just hurt them, instead of the person they realy care for and feel comfortable with. Because there's not that type of thrill with someone you've already become attached to, but really, that's how you should do it. I'm rambling now... anyway. Good thinking.

[A.J. Smith]

Thought-provoking, indeed. I've been down a similar (often rocky and painful) path of self-discovery and self realization--particularly about the matter of true love. I think you make a good point that Maslow may not have been completely accurate about what belongs in which upper tiers; however, I think his fundamental premise is sound. It's hard for someone who lives day-to-day just countering the risks at the base of the pyramid to invest much time worrying about what's up near the apex. I guess I'll just consider myself blessed enough to live a life in which I have the luxury of pondering such matters. i suspect, for many of us, if we do value continual personal growth, enlightenment, evolved thinking, as we get older and start to engage in existential rumination, love must be part of our thinking. What is love must be right up there with what is life and what is death in terms of the most basic questions we ask ourselves. I just know I've learned at least two things about love over my years: there is a huge difference between sex and making love; I want to find true, unconditional love with one woman and to share and build that love until my last day here. Well, you've accomplished you objective with me...made me think. You turned out a well-written thought piece, my friend. Thanks for writing this and being so candid. I'll stop back to see what others have to say.