A Letter I'll Never Send To Him

Really, honestly, just what the title says.

Dear Ex (insert name that is no longer important to me),

 

    I thought I had deleted all of you, every shred of evidence, the day I knew you'd broken my heart, though you lacked the courage to tell me, and told me only with your silence. Today, I found a piece I had forgotten, while looking through old sent emails. I ran across a long stream of communication between you and I, with pictures, and little bits of who you were, and why I loved you. The funny part is, I actually, sort of, smiled.

 

   I'm not angry with you anymore, for falling out of want of me and leaving me for her. I've moved on, and found someone with whom I feel a deeper connection than I had ever thought possible. I forgave you, really, from the start. When you finally wrote to explain the why, you said, "I just never really could love you like I thought that I should," and you were right. A part of me, I think, knew it all along, but I couldn't help but love YOU, the sharp witted soldier with a gentle touch, who always seemed to read my thoughts. I no longer think the year I spent talking to and weekending with you and writing you poetry was a waste. I understand now that my words never meant a thing, that you never really read them, yet it doesn't matter... they all meant something for me. You gave me something, in return, even if it wasn't the love that I sought. I just realized today what it was that you gave me...

 

   I am quite certain that these words I wrote to you you do not remember, but I do, so well. So do countless others who read them on Myspace and thought that you and I were meant to be, just as I did:

"Sweet silent provocation

Slipped to me in a gaze

A memory ready to be made

A heart about to risk breaking

Though ruptured by multitudes

Not so very long ago.

 

 

The past thunders in my ears

A warning signal beacons

I stand and ignore the blare

It is a choice I make tonight

To listen instead to your eyes

And my own fluttering senses.

 

 

 

A few feet between our fleshes

Feels wide as an Arctic ocean and I

Dare to cross it in my fragile lifeboat

Dripping with the salt of my fear

Anxious to be on dry land again

Praying my footing shall be sure.

 

 

 

Shall we climb mount truth ?

Or will we succumb to the

Searing valley of regret?

Neither you nor I can say

Where my crossing will lead us

And yet I fall into your arms

Almost effortlessly.

 

 

I shall know nothing of regret."

 

 

 

You see, I do not regret- not a thing! Had I not known you, after the other hurts, deeper than any you could have given... I would not have been ready for HIM. My heart would have closed off, in the way that yours did when you saw how much I loved you. So you did not give me love, but you did give me the ability to love and trust again. I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of the heart you thought you'd broken. 

 

Warmest Regards,

C (whose name is no longer important)

 

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

This is really, really powerful. I love how you included your poetry in it, too - it seems so natural. The way you start and finish the letter with the little, offhanded, parentheses-enclosed thoughts is an amazing touch as well. Excellent.